Category Archives: racism

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-30-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday. (Bill Maher)

We had another earthquake the other night. You know, California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government. (Jay Leno)

Republicans will ask what Sonia Sotomayor wants done about Roe Versus Wade expecting her to say, “Any which way they can get across the border, row or wade? ” (Gil Stern)

Somehow Michael Phelps seems to have developed a pot belly. (Jeff Funnekotter)

Okay, which will close first –Guantanamo or GM? (Gil Stern)

The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson. (Alex Kaseberg)

Good thing it wasn’t October, or A-Rod wouldn’t get to first base. (Cam Hutchinson)

This week, a woman in Texas admitted she cheated with a guy so soon after having sex with her husband that she had twins by two different fathers. And all I can say is, “Damn, that John Edwards is good!” (Bill Moher)

Helio Castroneves breezing to victory in Sunday’s Indy 500 was hardly even taxed. (Gary Loewen)

A report says that U.S. students are lagging in biosciences. That’s hard to believe when we have so many teachers who will go the extra distance to teach their students about biology first hand. (Jim Barach)

A teenager from Germany who auctioned her virginity on the internet for $14,000. was notified she must pay half in taxes. Apparently in Germany virginity goes for fifty cents on the dollar. (Bill Williams)

Cheney again spoke on TV. What is it about vice presidents that makes ’em talk too much? Don’t ask Joe Biden, he’ll tell us over and over again! (Gil Stern)

When Dick Cheney was vice president, he didn’t say two words, now he can’t shut up, he’s talking more after being vice president. Can you imagine if this happens to Joe Biden? We’d have to shoot him. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wayne Allwine, who was the voice of Mickey Mouse since 1977 has died at 62. Apparently the role will be taken over by Manny Ramirez, which explains all the female hormones he was caught taking. (Jim Barach)

California lawmakers proposed adding a two-dollar tax on cigarettes Tuesday. The U. S. may add three dollars a pack. Cigarettes are so valuable that pretty soon people will be using dollars for currency inside prisons and cigarettes for currency outside. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-28-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get his daughters a dog in April. The Obama’s joke that Barack will be the official Pooper Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he’s been picking up all the crap Bush has left. (Pedro Bartes)

The term Broadband is derived from the two primary uses of high speed internet access: downloading porn (broads) and illegal MP3s (bands). (Dave Hitt)

According to a survey among historians, out-going President George Bush was only the 6th-worst president we’ve ever had. Another example of why we need a national playoff system. (Tim Hunter)

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman has been offered $1 million and benefits to make a porn movie. Filmmakers told her to “shake her babymaker,” and she pulled out a rack of test tubes. (Jerry Perisho)

The NBA is producing “Vaccines For Teens” public-service announcements, featuring Grant Hill and Lisa Leslie, on the importance of getting timely inoculations. Baseball’s version, we hear, stars Jose Canseco and A-Rod’s cousin. (Dwight Perry)

On actress Meryl Streep’s record 15 career Oscar nominations: I hate to say it, but someone puts up numbers like that, it’s just hard not to think “steroids.” (Hugh Jackman)

Cheez-Its has created a new type of cracker that looks like Scrabble tiles. Perfect for people who like to play with their food. (Tim Hunter)

The Power Within motivational group has dropped Michael Phelps as a speaker. Talk about charisma. When he walks in, he tends to light up the joint. (Alan Ray)

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout our country’s history. It was disturbing to discover the chapter on Bill Clinton was comprised primarily of limericks about Nantucket. (Alex Kaseberg)

A 73 year old college basketball player in Tennessee has been ruled ineligible to play. He’s so old that the years it will take until his graduation have been renamed “the final four”. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-21-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There’s an exciting new concept to lower the unemployment rate. If you’re over 45, you’re not unemployed; you’re on “early retirement.” (Robt Stupple)

President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic. (Jay Leno)

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for. (Jay Leno)

On Tuesday, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking drugs. Barry Bonds called A-Rod and advised him, “Don’t go getting a big head!” (Jerry Perisho)

Ah, spring training. There is nothing like the sound of the crack of bat, the smack of the ball hitting the mitt, the smell of fresh mown grass, the pop of the plunger coming out of the syringe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Now Senator Burris is putting out another story of how he got picked by Blagojevich. No wonder folks look at him as if he’s a crook; he’s a second-story man. (Gil Stern)

Alaska officials have told Governor Sarah Palin she owes back taxes on the thousands of dollars she received in state per diem funds while living at her home in Wasilla. You know what could be next: Yep, a cabinet post in the Obama administration. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama says the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn’t want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)

Local libertarians are proposing the quickest and surest way of stopping the recession would be abolishing the income tax. Congressmen would not need to worry about their income as it would be adequately provided by lobbyists. (Stan Kegel)

“Dancing with the Stars” has chosien Lawrence Taylor as a contestant. Do not — I repeat, do not — tell him to go break a leg. (Frenchie McFarlane)

That’s the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things. (Jay Leno)

The country is suffering a nationwide nursing shortage. There is only one way to fill the nursing gap; Salma Hayek. She’ll nurse anybody. (Jerry Perisho)

Rihanna’s album sales have gone up since she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown a week and a half ago. You know what they say in show biz, a big hit helps album sales. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, here’s the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail. (Jay Leno)

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn’t work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-15-08

Posted from Jamshedpur Airport, which is, in spite of its name suggesting a shed for an airport, has this amazing, blindingly fast WiFi network. And Kolkata doesn’t have an airport with WiFi: the shame!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And Barack Obama being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, “The United States can only have one president at a time,” to which Bush said, “Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” (Jay Leno)

Only 69 days until Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be weird not having Dick Cheney in charge. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too. We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth. (Janice Hough)

And in the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as appropriations committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there. (Jay Leno)

A bailout is where there’s too much money but never enough. (Gil Stern)

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with no actual powers. So, no big change there. (Will Durst)

It was a terrible week on Wall Street. The economy is in tatters. You know, this is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes. (Craig Ferguson)

The Democratic Party in Kansas wants to make November 4 a national holiday to remember the historic election that Obama just won. But later they were reminded that Obama already has a holiday: Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

The clothing industry is laying off 10,000 workers. Not because of the recession, but due to the fact Sarah Palin has stopped shopping. (Tim Hunter)

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, “Well, hasn’t she helped him enough already?” (David Letterman)

Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it… until Laura told him it was about him. (Pedro Bartes)

Having built the most extensive Web database ever seen in politics, Barack Obama says he’ll communicate directly with the electorate on certain sensitive issues. Meanwhile, the Republicans report that in the next presidential election, they’ll be perfecting smoke signals and something called the telegraph. (Jerry Perisho)

One thing that will be different about Barack Obama’s time in the White House is that there will be young girls running around. It’s been a long time since that happened, if you don’t include interns. (Tim Hunter)

The economy is rough. In Century City, an entertainment attorney could only afford a Costco coffin to sleep in during the day. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House handed another forty billion dollars to AIG Monday on top of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill. The president’s approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet. (David Letterman)

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WHY I WON’T LIVE IN THE US OF A

WordPress Editor’s knot: This here Rambodoc artickle do not meet out usual hi standards. We has decided to spike it, but owing to political pressure (the Indian Govt screamed ‘discrimination’ and threatened to throw a nuke on Sri Lanka to avenge their loss in a recent cricket Test series) and the fact that we have nothing new to offer, we have decided to say ‘screw u’ to u and ur good taste. We has made, like, some grammur corrections to make it easy for u to read. Hear it is: njoy!
Signed: Ed. Wall Mickey.

Given my pro-American philosophical, political, economic and one-night stands, many people ask me why I do not move to the US or did not do so back when my testosterone levels started surging. I am too polite and modest to tell them that my testosterone surge is a permanent state of body and mind, like a Floyd Landis. The only difference is that he cycles on crack, I crack in cycles. PJs apart, however, there are significant reasons why I have not migrated to the US of A:
1. Damaging attitude of people: People with the names of Katrina, Ike, Hanna, among others, suddenly create damage to towns. Apparently they create giant winds and flood the streets with some secret apparatus, like a secret Right-wing Pee Society. Note that they don’t ever have last names. Except Sarah, aka Hurricane Palin. People like these could one day even run for President, so who wants to live in a country like that? It is far safer to be ruled by illiterate educated, insane sober, mindless wise, casteist balanced, evil objective and corrupt clean politicians like Mayawati, or ideologically crackpot pure Chinese stooges Indian patriots like Mr. Karat.
(I thought Sarah Palin was a Cosmo cover model- Ed.)

2. A minority President of the USA: Americans have learnded from India how to give power to their minorities. All of us knowed this for years. So far, they was free from this minor heart disease. Now they may have a Black as President. This is not bad in itself, of course, given that many of our own (Indian) fair leaders have been black, and I am not talking skin color here. They may have a closet Socialist as President: someone who wants to tax the shit out of me! Next thing, he will be taxing memories and excess baggage (like if you weigh over a BMI of 40, you pay 1 percent extra income tax per unit increase in BMI), too.
What if he started taxing you on your relationships? I mean, like: a) if your relationship enters the unforgivable American long term (six months) you pay a 1 percent cess from your income, and this keeps increasing arithematically every year till you are broke, or b) If you enter another relationship, which the Department of Homeland Insecurity registers as your fifth, there’d be a 5% cess on your income tax, plus the alimony you would have paid your ex-wives.
I don’t think I would do well in that kind of environment, you know!
(Such crap, but what can I do?-Ed.)

3. A Minority President of the USA (part two): If a future President is an economist, we would be in even more danger. Imagine what-all madcap theories would be tested to create equality between men and women, men and men, men and animals (women would say there already is such equality), women and animals (some men would say animals are superior). Politically correct, economically and socially disastrous. In the end, the country created could be called IndUS.
In case a female is voted or selected as President, I demand that the Black Box codes be locked off every mid-cycle (menstrual, not a Hero cycle) from her. The Codes could reside with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but he or she would probably forget the box in the toilet. Next thing you know, a guy like Larry Craig picks it up the next time he wants to adopt a wide stance in public. Who knows what could happen next: nuclear ransom for sex?
If Saracudda become President, the Box coulda been sent off to India, where the code activation and launch could happen at the first ring of the telephone. This could be India’s major first contribution to nuclear non-proliferation.
(Some blogs could be banned, like this one should-Ed.)

4. A minority President of the USA (teesra bhag): If a Jindal or Shah or Singh became POTUS, imagine the crisis: bhangra as the national dance, free visas for Indians, freedom to spit and pee by the highways, and right for Jersey cows to graze and crap at the same time as an immigrant Greek Bhaiya called Neo Lactophilos milks the udders, which squirt pure ghee. Another set of cows would produce lassi, and the cows on diets would produce chhaas. Edison cloned across the US, think of it (author goes to toilet to vomit, feet in narrow stance, and falls down. Craig is innocent?!)!
(Who’s Craig? I heard of Bill Clinton n M’knicker Chewinsky or somthn’- Ed.)
5. Large swathes of Americans get addicted to sex: I am worried if a few females there get addicted to me (don’t miss how classy I was to avoid the temptation of a pun on the ‘addict’ word), I might get into Miss Fortune again and again. Instead, if a few guys feel that way about me, I would get a bit behind in my carear.
(What is this guy, only nuts?- Ed.)

6. I get shit scared of politicians who appeal to religion or invoke God as the sheet anchor of one’s moral premises. In the name of God, can we avoid religion altogether from poly tricks? I would never migrate to a country where God guides policy making. At my neck of the woods, it is usually money or votes which do so, and this is more familiar.

Now, you tell me more reasons you/I should sit back in India!
(Thank God, it’s over, now I gotta front page it, they say!- Ed.)

COMPETITIVE, CRAZY CHAUVINISM

The Thackeray clones are fighting to show who is more viciously pro-Marathi and ‘anti-outsider’.

The heir apparent, Udhav Thackeray, has promised to ‘parcel’ outsiders who come to Mumbai for jobs and send them out in cargo planes.

This came shortly after the original agent provocateur, Raj Thackeray, reiterated his views about how hateful it was that North Indians were “forming groups” and were insensitive to Marathi culture. I have no doubt that if he had his way, anyone who disagreed with his views would likely be banished or buried deep under.

So now two parties are competing to be more hateful and insular. Apparently, this is the easiest and most practical way to get popular votes.

Shame on the public for creating these minor monsters! What else can we expect from them, when they voted to power the same people that slaughtered hundreds of Muslims in 1992? Of course, the Muslim parties were responsible in no small measure for the tragedy.

For outsiders who don’t understand this issue, read about the Shiv Sena.

MEET ANIL, MY CELL-MATE!

Hello. Meet my new cellmate: Anil. He works in a small cell phone company. You know, those companies that bill you for those times you keep saying ‘hello, hello? Damn network!‘? He also runs the marathon, and plays the stock market a bit. Just a wee bit. Getting along in life, get the picture? Sitting next to him: Me.

About the latter: Does not work in a cell phone company. Does not run anywhere. A younger and (arguably) sexier ass than Anil’s does not, somehow, help achieve that kind of mobility. Keeps saying “hello, hello?” to a lot of the PYTs that swarm over him like flies over crap honey. In the stock market, Me was once found looking at other customers more than the listings of the scrips. Obvious neophyte, obvious looser-blogger.

The two of us are going to be cell mates in Tihar Jail, where India’s most notorious criminals and high profile legal guests are hosted by the State. Only that Anil does not know it. I have my side of things planned to a nicety. I will commit a nice little crime, like posting Sardarji jokes in this blog, and get arrested for hurting the sentiments of the poor Punjabis, just like Anil. Alternatively, I will solicit to do surgery on a well known Sardarji like Daler Mehendi, and remove the wrong testicle during a complex brain operation, thereby getting arrested. Clearly, the Court will be bowled by my legal No Ball! Arresting news this will make, too!!

Once in Tihar, Anil and I will be mates (I will arrange that, with my contacts in Cellular Jail).

Now, you, dear reader, must be wondering why I am plotting the destruction of my own career to become the cellmate of an Anil. And why he will be jail-bound. Wonder on!

I wish to take some stock tips from Anil. [Aside:Talking of which, I would be willing to share the same cell with his chauffeur as well, in case it is proven that Anil’s chauffeur, and not Anil, was actually responsible for sending dirty, ethnicentric SMS-jokes over the Reliance network.] Even if I make small change, it will be a few million dollars. After this, I plan to retire and spend my time in leisure. You know, like going to all the doctors’ conferences and looking these hard working asses in the eye and shouting “HA!” at them, before getting swept off in a BMW (notice how controlled my greed is, that I have no wish for further elevation and prosperity) by a couple of young but well-inflated girls with blond teeth, blond hair. As an Ambani, he has the qualifications to give me some advice. I shall certainly try to accomodate his. After all, “India mein muft ki advice bahut milti hai” (In India, you get a lotta free advice- an ad line of a popular cell phone ad of Reliance Mobile).

I know, you want to give me worshipping looks, saying, “What an Idea, Sirjee!”

So, here is my part of the bargain. Enjoy a couple of these Sardarji jokes, and get more at one of the many sites in Planet Google:
Click here for more.

Mr Harpreet Singh Gulati is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific.

Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.

Gulati : “Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don’t know who U are?. I can’t compete with a world champion”

Gary : “How about if I play left handed ?”

Gulati : [Think.. Think..] “OK!”

Gulati is demolished in 4 moves… and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh.

Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed…

Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

* * *

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.

Hari Singh asks the clerk: “Can I take this train to Ludhiana?”.
“No,” answers the Railway man.

“Can I?” asks Gani Singh.

Oye, Chak de phatte, yaaru!