WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In light of recent developments, the famous phrase “Not for all the tea in China” will be changed immediately to “Not for all the T-Bills in China.” (Paul Feehan)

The case is finally coming to court of a North Carolina firm that collected human body parts for transplants, which was closed because the owners kept inaccurate records. It appears the owner just doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Although the owner put his heart and soul into it, he just didn’t have a good head for business. (Jerry Perisho)

So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, “Wow! There really hasn’t been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.” (David Letterman)

There was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. They are calling it the city’s biggest snow job since that stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

I’ll miss New York but both New York and California have their downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets.” (Conan O’Brien, whose NBC show is relocating to Los Angeles)

President Obama says it’s only the “rich few” who oppose his spending plan. What he meant to say was that after his plan is enacted, only a few of us will be rich. (Jake Novak)

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government’s “Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.” (Jay Leno)

Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s monthly batting averages, March to October, for the 2008 season: 1.000, .305, .293, .264, .236, .193, .178, .100. No word on whether he answers to the nickname of “Stock Market.” (Dwight Perry)

Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He’s enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama’s policies is Rush Limbaugh. (Argus Hamilton)

Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, “Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?” Have you seen Rush lately? (Jay Leno)

According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges. (Craig Ferguson)

The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college kids want to play in the snow this week they don’t have to go to Mexico and get killed trying to buy some. (Argus Hamilton)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-28-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get his daughters a dog in April. The Obama’s joke that Barack will be the official Pooper Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he’s been picking up all the crap Bush has left. (Pedro Bartes)

The term Broadband is derived from the two primary uses of high speed internet access: downloading porn (broads) and illegal MP3s (bands). (Dave Hitt)

According to a survey among historians, out-going President George Bush was only the 6th-worst president we’ve ever had. Another example of why we need a national playoff system. (Tim Hunter)

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman has been offered $1 million and benefits to make a porn movie. Filmmakers told her to “shake her babymaker,” and she pulled out a rack of test tubes. (Jerry Perisho)

The NBA is producing “Vaccines For Teens” public-service announcements, featuring Grant Hill and Lisa Leslie, on the importance of getting timely inoculations. Baseball’s version, we hear, stars Jose Canseco and A-Rod’s cousin. (Dwight Perry)

On actress Meryl Streep’s record 15 career Oscar nominations: I hate to say it, but someone puts up numbers like that, it’s just hard not to think “steroids.” (Hugh Jackman)

Cheez-Its has created a new type of cracker that looks like Scrabble tiles. Perfect for people who like to play with their food. (Tim Hunter)

The Power Within motivational group has dropped Michael Phelps as a speaker. Talk about charisma. When he walks in, he tends to light up the joint. (Alan Ray)

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout our country’s history. It was disturbing to discover the chapter on Bill Clinton was comprised primarily of limericks about Nantucket. (Alex Kaseberg)

A 73 year old college basketball player in Tennessee has been ruled ineligible to play. He’s so old that the years it will take until his graduation have been renamed “the final four”. (Jim Barach)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-21-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There’s an exciting new concept to lower the unemployment rate. If you’re over 45, you’re not unemployed; you’re on “early retirement.” (Robt Stupple)

President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic. (Jay Leno)

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for. (Jay Leno)

On Tuesday, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking drugs. Barry Bonds called A-Rod and advised him, “Don’t go getting a big head!” (Jerry Perisho)

Ah, spring training. There is nothing like the sound of the crack of bat, the smack of the ball hitting the mitt, the smell of fresh mown grass, the pop of the plunger coming out of the syringe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Now Senator Burris is putting out another story of how he got picked by Blagojevich. No wonder folks look at him as if he’s a crook; he’s a second-story man. (Gil Stern)

Alaska officials have told Governor Sarah Palin she owes back taxes on the thousands of dollars she received in state per diem funds while living at her home in Wasilla. You know what could be next: Yep, a cabinet post in the Obama administration. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama says the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn’t want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)

Local libertarians are proposing the quickest and surest way of stopping the recession would be abolishing the income tax. Congressmen would not need to worry about their income as it would be adequately provided by lobbyists. (Stan Kegel)

“Dancing with the Stars” has chosien Lawrence Taylor as a contestant. Do not — I repeat, do not — tell him to go break a leg. (Frenchie McFarlane)

That’s the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things. (Jay Leno)

The country is suffering a nationwide nursing shortage. There is only one way to fill the nursing gap; Salma Hayek. She’ll nurse anybody. (Jerry Perisho)

Rihanna’s album sales have gone up since she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown a week and a half ago. You know what they say in show biz, a big hit helps album sales. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, here’s the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail. (Jay Leno)

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn’t work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers. (Argus Hamilton)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-31-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And so just how popular is our new president? The way I see it, if it ain’t Barack, don’t fixate! (Tom Mitchell)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday, so it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They will have one politician sitting in the White House, and the other one sitting in the big house. (Jay Leno)

Governor Rod Blagojevich will be the guest on “Larry King Live” Monday night. Viewers are invited to call in with their questions — $5 for the first minute, $1.50 for each additional minute. (Todd Long)

Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that’s refreshing, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)

The email system in the Obama White House crashed Monday morning. Political historians say the last thing to go down in the White House was Monica Lewinsky. (Jerry Perisho)

Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president. (Craig Ferguson)

They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off. (David Letterman)

Remember that plane US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson river? Great news. FEMA just showed up to help the passengers get out. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That’s a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees’ payroll for a season and a half. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland. (Conan O’Brien)

PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house. (Craig Ferguson)

The Super Bowl is Sunday. The NBC play-by-play team will be there giving the most in-depth analysis. Of what’s up later on NBC. (Alan Ray)

In Tampa, where Sunday’s Super Bowl game will take place, there are 43 strip clubs, many within walking distance of the football stadium. Dancers at strip clubs during Super Bowl week can make $2,000 per day. And, there is no “illegal use of the hands” rule. (Jerry Perisho)

Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Sunday news shows that Congress spending two hundred million dollars on birth control will help stimulate the American economy. This is crazy. An economy that is screwing this many people doesn’t need any more stimulation. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There’s outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he’s hostile to gun rights. (Argus Hamilton)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-06-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. So lawyers are losing their jobs, C.E.O.’s are being forced to work for a dollar a year, and Ann Coulter’s jaw has been wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever when you think about it. (Jay Leno)

When he accidentally shot himself in the right thigh Saturday, Plexico Burrass also shot himself in the foot. (Jerry Crowe)

Atheists filed suit against the Kentucky Homeland Security office because of the mention of God in the state anti-terror law. Legal analysts doubt their chances. They don’t really have a prayer. (Alan Ray)

The Swiss are likely to approve legalized prescription heroin. Apparently they feel it could give their economy a real shot in the arm. (Jim Barach)

Bush says he wants to be remembered as the man who liberated 50 million people. Well, when you think about it, he did. Thanks to him, 50 million Americans are now liberated from their savings account, their 401(k)s, car payments, mortgage… (Jay Leno)

Right wing pundit Ann Coulter has broken her jaw, and the doctor has wired it shut. He didn’t wire it shut for medical reasons. He said it was the holidays, he wanted to do something nice for people. (Jay Leno)

Planned Parenthood is now selling abortion gift certificates on its website. Finally a Christmas gift your teenagers can actually USE! (Jake Novak)

The headline in yesterday’s paper read, “Obama could change makeup of Supreme Court.” I sure hope this doesn’t turn into another controversy over putting lipstick on pigs. (Gary Hallock)

General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said: “Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that’s just not us.” (Conan O’Brien)

This week, President Bush was awarded the International Medal of PEACE award. How did that happen? (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he wants history to see him as the liberator of millions. Which is another clue that he will issue a blanket pardon to his entire administration. (Jim Barach)

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the latest economic decisions have put the economy on the right track. Shouldn’t we veer a little bit to the left? We have been on the right track for the last 8 years, and the economy is wrecked. (Pedro Bartes)

ANOTHER KIND OF EVIL

(CNN) — A Virginia woman whose husband and daughter were gunned down in last week’s terror attacks in India says the attackers should be forgiven.
“We must send them our love, forgiveness and compassion,” Kia Scherr told reporters Tuesday of the Mumbai attackers, nine of whom were killed by Indian forces. “As Jesus Christ said long ago, they know not what they do.

“They are in ignorance, and they are completely shrouded and clouded by fear, and we must show that love is possible and love overpowers fear. So that’s my choice.”

Full story here.

Am I alone in thinking that this attitude is evil? A philosophy of forgiving evil is tantamount to supporting it, and puts at risk the safety and lives of countless others. On top of that, evil should be condemned and destroyed because it is anti-life. However, Gandhians and Christians are known to be big on forgiving killers and other humans who are hell-bent on destroying life, security and happiness of others. The killers of baby Moshe’s parents did not know why they were torturing and killing them, is that lady saying that?

Another reason I hate religion. I know I am not being very coherent, but I hope you, dear Reader, will pitch in with your views and enrich this post.

So, what do you think?

SAVING THE TERRORIST

I have been in Mumbai in the situation it finds itself in at present. I have been in the forefront of a disaster management team (to flatter a rag-tag army of residents, nurses, ward-boys and Superintendents in a Hospital) when the Babri Masjid riots took place in 1992, and, not much later, when the Bombay Stock Exchange and Air India were blown up.

I saw from close quarters how barbaric people can be in the headwinds of the irrationality of collectivism (often religion). I am talking of general wholesale slaughter of any person of a community if he made the mistake of being seen. It cut both ways, and this was doubly unfortunate during the Babri Masjid riots.

I wonder, upon learning that the poor little innocent boy who shot a few people in the railway station (the name changed from Victoria Terminus to the more elegant-sounding and hip CST), wants to live. Poor baby! How can you not want to?
I was thinking if I were the surgeon operating on him (assuming he had major gunshot wounds-which he had not), wouldn’t I have been tempted to let my knife slip near a major vessel and see some major bleeding, thereby causing, if not death, definitely major morbidity?

I would well be tempted, truth to tell. I would have controlled my temptation by telling myself, “He is precious to the country for what secrets he will reveal and your job is to heal, not to kill”. A moment after I think this, I am reminded of the Afzal Mahmoods of the world who got escorted and released by a rat-faced Indian Foreign Minister when Taliban terrorists hijacked an Indian plane to Kandahar.

I am happy I am not treating this dear little kid. I would have actually wrung his neck with my bare hands. Forget the knife (I cannot commit surgical murder-for that I expect to be paid), but with my bare hands, I would have loved to pinch his jugulars and lovingly choke his larynx. A ‘thank you for visiting India’ on behalf of the hundreds of people killed and maimed by him and his friends.

Nevertheless, I wonder: “What is the duty of a doctor to the enemy in times of war?”
I know the textbook answer. I am not sure how real it is. Especially in this kind of war.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-15-08

Posted from Jamshedpur Airport, which is, in spite of its name suggesting a shed for an airport, has this amazing, blindingly fast WiFi network. And Kolkata doesn’t have an airport with WiFi: the shame!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And Barack Obama being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, “The United States can only have one president at a time,” to which Bush said, “Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” (Jay Leno)

Only 69 days until Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be weird not having Dick Cheney in charge. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too. We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth. (Janice Hough)

And in the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as appropriations committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there. (Jay Leno)

A bailout is where there’s too much money but never enough. (Gil Stern)

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with no actual powers. So, no big change there. (Will Durst)

It was a terrible week on Wall Street. The economy is in tatters. You know, this is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes. (Craig Ferguson)

The Democratic Party in Kansas wants to make November 4 a national holiday to remember the historic election that Obama just won. But later they were reminded that Obama already has a holiday: Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

The clothing industry is laying off 10,000 workers. Not because of the recession, but due to the fact Sarah Palin has stopped shopping. (Tim Hunter)

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, “Well, hasn’t she helped him enough already?” (David Letterman)

Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it… until Laura told him it was about him. (Pedro Bartes)

Having built the most extensive Web database ever seen in politics, Barack Obama says he’ll communicate directly with the electorate on certain sensitive issues. Meanwhile, the Republicans report that in the next presidential election, they’ll be perfecting smoke signals and something called the telegraph. (Jerry Perisho)

One thing that will be different about Barack Obama’s time in the White House is that there will be young girls running around. It’s been a long time since that happened, if you don’t include interns. (Tim Hunter)

The economy is rough. In Century City, an entertainment attorney could only afford a Costco coffin to sleep in during the day. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House handed another forty billion dollars to AIG Monday on top of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill. The president’s approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet. (David Letterman)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-08-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

FOX news reported today that the election never happened. It was all just a dream. (Tim Hunter)

There was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples. (Jay Leno)

At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call. (David Letterman)

According to the latest polls, 100% of American voters are sick of this election. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Anybody mind if he starts a little early?” (David Letterman)

So, Barack Obama won, John McCain lost. Let this be a lesson to us all: never, EVER stand up David Letterman. (Tim Hunter)

And of course the big mantra was “Yes, we can!” Unless you’re a gay couple in California, then it’s, “No, you can’t.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama and Democrats will gain control of Congress and the White House. World reaction is pouring in. Australia’s prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency. (Craig Ferguson)

After Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers from Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren. Who will probably ask, “What’s a newspaper?” (Janice Hough)

According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama. (Jay Leno)

Democrats’ plan is to get the country out of the mess the Republicans got it into while trying to get it out of the mess the Democrats got it into. (Joe Hickman)

Democrat Barack Obama came up a big winner in the presidential race in Dixville Notch, N.H., where the nation’s first Election Day votes were cast and counted early Tuesday. I don’t want to say it’s over, but if you check e-Bay, someone in Alaska is selling designer clothing. (Pedro Bartes)

Barney, the White House dog, bit a Reuters reporter yesterday. Bush and the rest of the White house staff were mad at Barney; he was supposed to bite Keith Olberman. (Pedro Bartes)

President-elect Barack Obama, will make his promise good and get a rescue puppy for his two young daughters. So far they have in mind a runaway dog name Lieberman, a terrier named Bill Ayers, or a bitch pitbull named Sarah. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It’s the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers. (Jay Leno)

Suddenly, McCain’s supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow… and then asked her if she was seeing anyone. (Bob Mills)

So many voters were deciding on state issues like abortion and same-sex marriage. Do you realize, with a same sex marriage, there can be no abortion? I didn’t hear anybody using that argument. (Joe Hickman)

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian lost his bid for Congress and blamed it on a political system he says is “too corrupt.” It had nothing to do with the fact that all of the people who supported him are dead. (Paul Seaburn)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-27-08

This is another mega post.

PART ONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The federal government will bail out the financial industry. It’s broke, operationally defunct, and is headed by greedy, power grabbing weasels. And the financial system ain’t in good shape either. (Alan Ray)

The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over. Then, they asked for $700 billion. (Jay Leno)

You know the way a bailout works? Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail. (Jay Leno)

Bush is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too. (Bill Maher)

The federal government announced a plan to spend a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan. It was either that, or Sarah Palin’s idea to sell it all on eBay. (Bill Maher)

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11. (Jay Leno)

By ceasing campaigning and returning to Washington to skuttle the Bush “Bailout Plan,” John McCain hopes to convince the American voter that it is he and not his opponent who is most fit to make the changes necessary to stop the Bush policies that are throwing the country into a depression. (Stan Kegel)

The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it’s called socialism. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman. (Jake Novak)

An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e-mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, “Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It’s like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes)