Category Archives: Sarah Palin

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-10-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Mark Sanford of South Carolina still hasn’t resigned. He spent 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don’t think she likes him very much any more. So who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida? I’m guessing Joe Biden. (Rich Orwell)

Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but you want to quit half way through. (Janice Hough)

A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don’t worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying. (Conan O’Brien)

So Sarah Palin has said she will cede power to Alaska’s lieutenant governor. And as a New Yorker, all I can say is: “Sure. What could possibly go wrong?” (Marc Ragovin)

Okay, John Edwards, Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. Hard to believe that the least embarassing V. P. candidate in recent memory is Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

A pending law would put guns in Arizona bars. Normally packing a gun is dangerous, but the risks are minimal thanks to the calming and sensible effects of alcohol. (Alex Kaseberg)

Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Biden said that he and President Obama “misread” the severity of the recession. And former President Bush said “See what can go wrong when you read?” (Janice Hough)

This might be too soon, but right about now you have to think Jenny Sanford is wishing her husband’s “soul mate” had been Sahel Kazemi. (Janice Hough)

The two-hour Michael Jackson Memorial service took place on Tuesday in Los Angeles’ Staples Center. Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson both spoke, and when you throw in Michael Jackson you’ve got three of the best ball handlers in history. (Jerry Perisho)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-15-08

Posted from Jamshedpur Airport, which is, in spite of its name suggesting a shed for an airport, has this amazing, blindingly fast WiFi network. And Kolkata doesn’t have an airport with WiFi: the shame!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And Barack Obama being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, “The United States can only have one president at a time,” to which Bush said, “Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” (Jay Leno)

Only 69 days until Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be weird not having Dick Cheney in charge. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too. We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth. (Janice Hough)

And in the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as appropriations committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there. (Jay Leno)

A bailout is where there’s too much money but never enough. (Gil Stern)

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with no actual powers. So, no big change there. (Will Durst)

It was a terrible week on Wall Street. The economy is in tatters. You know, this is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes. (Craig Ferguson)

The Democratic Party in Kansas wants to make November 4 a national holiday to remember the historic election that Obama just won. But later they were reminded that Obama already has a holiday: Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

The clothing industry is laying off 10,000 workers. Not because of the recession, but due to the fact Sarah Palin has stopped shopping. (Tim Hunter)

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, “Well, hasn’t she helped him enough already?” (David Letterman)

Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it… until Laura told him it was about him. (Pedro Bartes)

Having built the most extensive Web database ever seen in politics, Barack Obama says he’ll communicate directly with the electorate on certain sensitive issues. Meanwhile, the Republicans report that in the next presidential election, they’ll be perfecting smoke signals and something called the telegraph. (Jerry Perisho)

One thing that will be different about Barack Obama’s time in the White House is that there will be young girls running around. It’s been a long time since that happened, if you don’t include interns. (Tim Hunter)

The economy is rough. In Century City, an entertainment attorney could only afford a Costco coffin to sleep in during the day. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House handed another forty billion dollars to AIG Monday on top of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill. The president’s approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet. (David Letterman)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-08-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

FOX news reported today that the election never happened. It was all just a dream. (Tim Hunter)

There was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples. (Jay Leno)

At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call. (David Letterman)

According to the latest polls, 100% of American voters are sick of this election. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Anybody mind if he starts a little early?” (David Letterman)

So, Barack Obama won, John McCain lost. Let this be a lesson to us all: never, EVER stand up David Letterman. (Tim Hunter)

And of course the big mantra was “Yes, we can!” Unless you’re a gay couple in California, then it’s, “No, you can’t.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama and Democrats will gain control of Congress and the White House. World reaction is pouring in. Australia’s prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency. (Craig Ferguson)

After Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers from Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren. Who will probably ask, “What’s a newspaper?” (Janice Hough)

According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama. (Jay Leno)

Democrats’ plan is to get the country out of the mess the Republicans got it into while trying to get it out of the mess the Democrats got it into. (Joe Hickman)

Democrat Barack Obama came up a big winner in the presidential race in Dixville Notch, N.H., where the nation’s first Election Day votes were cast and counted early Tuesday. I don’t want to say it’s over, but if you check e-Bay, someone in Alaska is selling designer clothing. (Pedro Bartes)

Barney, the White House dog, bit a Reuters reporter yesterday. Bush and the rest of the White house staff were mad at Barney; he was supposed to bite Keith Olberman. (Pedro Bartes)

President-elect Barack Obama, will make his promise good and get a rescue puppy for his two young daughters. So far they have in mind a runaway dog name Lieberman, a terrier named Bill Ayers, or a bitch pitbull named Sarah. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It’s the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers. (Jay Leno)

Suddenly, McCain’s supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow… and then asked her if she was seeing anyone. (Bob Mills)

So many voters were deciding on state issues like abortion and same-sex marriage. Do you realize, with a same sex marriage, there can be no abortion? I didn’t hear anybody using that argument. (Joe Hickman)

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian lost his bid for Congress and blamed it on a political system he says is “too corrupt.” It had nothing to do with the fact that all of the people who supported him are dead. (Paul Seaburn)

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CELEB BYTES IN HISTORIC TIMES

In these historic times, we (the blog owner and his ears) got to enjoy exclusive conversations with the biggest names in American politics. We (the blog owner and his keyboard) are hereby giving you, Dear Reader, a free sample of what words of snatches snatches of words we (the former We) were so privileged to hear. Enjoy!

BARACK OBAMA:

Do I give Hillary Health, or do I give Bill Foreign Affairs? Should I give Joe Biden oversight on Gas? Or should I call Daniel Craig to loan Miss Moneypenny to Treasury?
I am planning to give a tax break to comedy writers and stand-up comics: I fear they will all lose their jobs once I am in the White House. After Clinton and Bush, what do they get? Funny me, ha-ha!

Those of you who earn less than a thousand dollars a month, you have nothing to fear from me. The rest of you can vigorously copulate with someone of your same sex, or die saving the planet or something!
I say to those of you who did not vote for me, I’ll be your President as well. Don’t think your President is going to spare any chance to screw you, especially if you belong to Wall Street or Main Street! And, mark my words, I’ll screw Arnold Schwarzenegger, too! And that is once I attend Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s Mass.

majmccainarnie-420x0
(pic source: here.)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

I will be back!

OPRAH WINFREY:

There are no red states or white states, there are only black states now in the United States of America. Now that a black is President, we are now really united, for the first time in history. The One has won! Now we blacks can blow our noses on the shoulders of unsuspecting white folk standing nearby!

JOHN McCAIN:

We screwed up, my friends. I have decided to join Saturday Night Live as a regular performer. Most of the votes I got were from people who watched that show. The rest were from morons living in hilly states. I thank all of you for making my tongue-out picture the most emailed picture in history.
I want to tell young Americans one thing I have demonstrated, apart from my scars won in Vietnam, and that is how you can be petty, crabby and nasty while in the race but sublimely gracious in defeat. Remember, there is only one thing that looks good in defeat: Sarah Palin’s dress. Since I can’t wear hers’ I wore my loss in grace.

mccain-palin-gothic1
(pic source: About.com/d/political humor)

SARAH PALIN:

As an Alaskan, I will build a historic bridge across to Paris in 2012. I hear our great countries are historically related. The French President called me a couple days back, and was so… charming. I really got along with him.
I am very disappointed with our Press people, who have been questioning my knowledge. For all of you small-minded hacks there, I do know that Africa is a country. I never said it is a continent (aide switches off microphone).

PRESIDENT BUSH:

Gee! Finally we find that the al Qaida guy from Chicago has got elected to be President? What is America coming to? From moron to Koran?!

HILLARY CLINTON:

This is a historic night. Bill slept alone at home!

BILL CLINTON:

I think I made a seminal contribution to the campaign. I want to be Ambassador-at-large to Africa, and I need to show Sarah Palin a thing or two about drilling rights!

MR SAM LOSER:

YES, WE DID!

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud. (Jay Leno)

The day Congress convenes is the day we should observe Halloween — because that’s when the mistakes we made on Election Day come back to haunt us. (Joe Hickman)

Today John McCain went on the offensive and said that Barack Obama will do and say anything to win the election. Obama countered that later by showing a photograph of Sarah Palin and saying, “Really? I’m the one who’ll say and do anything?” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller. (Conan O’Brien)

The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals. (David Letterman)

Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance. (Jay Leno)

I’m going to vote early. By election day I may not care. (Joe Hickman)

Political pundits have been pointing out that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. And Joe Biden, Rogaine. (Pedro Bartes)

News reports frequently talk about “Toxic Loans” and “Toxic Mortgages,” but the real problem is with the large corporations who invested in these financial transactions. The real problem should be called “Toxic Stock Syndrome.” (Bertrand Piboin)

Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in California stories. Elementary school students in Berkeley are receiving a class credit for “lunch.” Since they learn about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that’s when you know we’re getting too fat in this country, when students are actually majoring in lunch! (Jay Leno)

An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States seem to be in a recession. Those would be the poorer parts. (Scott Witt)

A survey says that when comparing presidential candidates to cars, Barack Obama is a BMW and John McCain is a Ford. Sarah Palin is the trunk of the car since she comes with so much baggage, and Joe Biden is the passenger air bag. (Jim Barach)

If Alaska Senator Stevens were running for reelection in the State of Florida he would be in easily and if his trial were here things would have been different. Every voter seems to be wearing a sticker that states ” I Vote Ted” (Gary Reeves)

It’s not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet. (Jay Leno)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-25-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States seem to be in a recession. Those would be the poorer parts. (Scott Witt)

“W. ” opens today. If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s the Bush family. (David Letterman)

Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems. (Craig Ferguson)

Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you’re the richest man on Earth. (Amy Poehler)

So let’s see. In California Catholic priests who are caught having sex with teen-aged boys and girls are punished by mandatory counselling and transfered to another parish where they can start over with a clean slate. Priests who state they favor allowing same sex marriages to continue are defrocked and excommunicated. Conclusion: Catholic Bishops, at least in California, feel priests committing rape of children is a lot less serious than a priest advocating gay adult couples to continue to marry. That’s the beauty of the First Amendment. It is their right to feel that way. (Stan Kegel)

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They’ve been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The price of oil is way down but stores say they’re leaving prices up for awhile because they don’t want to pay employees to lower them, only to have oil skyrocket again. So here’s how we’re screwed. We have to pay higher prices because of the rising cost of lowering prices.(Patrick Gorse)

Motorola celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first cell-phone call. The first call went to Alexander Graham Bell’s grandson. Everyone today agrees the invention was one small step for man, one giant leap for auto body repair. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says he will guarantee all savings at banks for six months after he becomes President. That is assuming that six months after the election anyone has any savings left. (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama is taking time out from the campaign trail to visit his sick grandmother. Obama is expected to completely restore her health as soon as he’s finished healing the lepers on the way to the hospital. (Jake Novak)

A new report shows that political campaign spending has reached a record $5.3 billion this year. So the best way to fix the economy is to force everyone in Washington to run for re-election every six months. (Jake Novak)

An Irish bookie has already paid off election bets, proclaiming Barack Obama as the winner. Apparently the bookie has never heard of Diebold voting machines. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-27-08

This is another mega post.

PART ONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The federal government will bail out the financial industry. It’s broke, operationally defunct, and is headed by greedy, power grabbing weasels. And the financial system ain’t in good shape either. (Alan Ray)

The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over. Then, they asked for $700 billion. (Jay Leno)

You know the way a bailout works? Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail. (Jay Leno)

Bush is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too. (Bill Maher)

The federal government announced a plan to spend a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan. It was either that, or Sarah Palin’s idea to sell it all on eBay. (Bill Maher)

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11. (Jay Leno)

By ceasing campaigning and returning to Washington to skuttle the Bush “Bailout Plan,” John McCain hopes to convince the American voter that it is he and not his opponent who is most fit to make the changes necessary to stop the Bush policies that are throwing the country into a depression. (Stan Kegel)

The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it’s called socialism. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman. (Jake Novak)

An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e-mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, “Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It’s like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-20-08

AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

If the strategy of the Democrats is to HARASS SARAH, they have to come up with a tactical Palin-drome. (Richard Lederer)

I don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to run a major corporation. For that matter, McCain, Obama and Biden aren’t capable of that kind of job either. (Carly Fiorina, former Hewlett-Packard CEO, now top John McCain aide)

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, “You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that’s still open.” (Jay Leno)

The stock market crashed yesterday, though analysts are calling it a correction. Once again, I don’t think President Bush gets it. Today, he was asked if customers should be concerned about all these bank closings. He said it doesn’t matter — if the bank is closed, just use the ATM. (Jay Leno)

You know that money we have been giving to the banks, they don’t have it any more. (Jon Stewart)

Experts say we’re going through what’s known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. (Jay Leno)

John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. “The fundamentals of our economy are still sound.” To which O.J. Simpson said, “Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?” (Jay Leno)

President Bush has a plan to get us out the financial crisis: In January, he leaves office. (Jay Leno)

John McCain and Sarah Palin are not only saying they won’t give answers, they’re saying you can’t ask questions. (Stephen Colbert)

The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what’s his name, versus Sarah Palin and what’s his name. (Jay Leno)

“He did this,” Douglas Holtz-Eakin told reporters this morning, holding up his BlackBerry. “Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce Committee. So you’re looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that’s what he did.” (McCain Aide, Douglas Holtz-Eakin 9-16-08)

Sarah Palin doesn’t need to know what the Bush Doctrine is — she is the Bush doctrine. (Jon Stewart)

The GOP presidential team is on the stump. NRA member Sarah Palin proudly carries a shotgun with her during three seasons. Moose, caribou, and wedding. (Alan Ray)

This week, Karl Rove said that John McCain’s attack ads on Barack Obama have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you’ve gone too far, that’s like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink. It’s like Keith Richards telling Amy Winehouse to ease up on the drugs. (Craig Ferguson)

(The O. J. Trial) will distract us from the terrible news that we will all be jobless and homeless very soon. The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. On Wall Street, they’re calling it Black Monday, but John McCain was quick to point out that it’s Black Monday — not “old white” Monday. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Sarah Palin is now under criticism for having a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. The governor claims she did it because she wanted to understand people of color. (Pedro Bartes)

Hey, let me tell you something. If all you need to do to become vice president is be a former beauty queen with a tanning bed, then I’m casting my vote for Ryan Seacrest! (Jimmy Kimmel)

Supporters of Palin say, it’s okay she doesn’t know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn’t know what it is. But shouldn’t the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn’t they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let’s be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn’t work out that great. (Jay Leno)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-13-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There is some good news for John McCain: According to the latest polls, McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by 10 points; CBS news poll has the two tied; and the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week. (Conan O’Brien)

As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day? (Sarah Palin)

The role of the vice president is to break ties in the Senate and inquire daily into the health of the president. (John McCain)

A Rasmussen poll shows that Sarah Palin is more popular than both Barack Obama and John McCain. It just shows that in politics, the less they know about someone the better. (Jim Barach)

One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The campaign is coming down to one important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. (Jay Leno)

Google is 10 years old today. For a whole decade Google has been helping you find old friends, get good prices, and in some cases, get vice presidential running mates. (Craig Ferguson)

A study says that a wandering eye could be caused by genetics. In other words, having the wrong genes can result in always trying to get in someone else’s jeans. (Jim Barach)

One of McCain’s ads casts Obama as “the one,” implying he thinks he’s the Messiah. Well, good, maybe he can raise McCain from the dead. (Bill Maher)

Aides to President Bush are reportedly tutoring Sarah Palin on foreign policy. After just two days of training, she has already declared war on Russia and Iran. (Jim Barach)

There’s a new Sarah Palin doll out. It’s ready to take over when your John McCain doll breaks. (Wacky Week)

The Oakland Raiders got thoroughly spanked in their home opener 41-14 by the Denver Broncos. Which leads to the question, what do the Raiders and marijuana have in common? They both get smoked… repeatedly! (William Hale)

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WHY I WON’T LIVE IN THE US OF A

WordPress Editor’s knot: This here Rambodoc artickle do not meet out usual hi standards. We has decided to spike it, but owing to political pressure (the Indian Govt screamed ‘discrimination’ and threatened to throw a nuke on Sri Lanka to avenge their loss in a recent cricket Test series) and the fact that we have nothing new to offer, we have decided to say ‘screw u’ to u and ur good taste. We has made, like, some grammur corrections to make it easy for u to read. Hear it is: njoy!
Signed: Ed. Wall Mickey.

Given my pro-American philosophical, political, economic and one-night stands, many people ask me why I do not move to the US or did not do so back when my testosterone levels started surging. I am too polite and modest to tell them that my testosterone surge is a permanent state of body and mind, like a Floyd Landis. The only difference is that he cycles on crack, I crack in cycles. PJs apart, however, there are significant reasons why I have not migrated to the US of A:
1. Damaging attitude of people: People with the names of Katrina, Ike, Hanna, among others, suddenly create damage to towns. Apparently they create giant winds and flood the streets with some secret apparatus, like a secret Right-wing Pee Society. Note that they don’t ever have last names. Except Sarah, aka Hurricane Palin. People like these could one day even run for President, so who wants to live in a country like that? It is far safer to be ruled by illiterate educated, insane sober, mindless wise, casteist balanced, evil objective and corrupt clean politicians like Mayawati, or ideologically crackpot pure Chinese stooges Indian patriots like Mr. Karat.
(I thought Sarah Palin was a Cosmo cover model- Ed.)

2. A minority President of the USA: Americans have learnded from India how to give power to their minorities. All of us knowed this for years. So far, they was free from this minor heart disease. Now they may have a Black as President. This is not bad in itself, of course, given that many of our own (Indian) fair leaders have been black, and I am not talking skin color here. They may have a closet Socialist as President: someone who wants to tax the shit out of me! Next thing, he will be taxing memories and excess baggage (like if you weigh over a BMI of 40, you pay 1 percent extra income tax per unit increase in BMI), too.
What if he started taxing you on your relationships? I mean, like: a) if your relationship enters the unforgivable American long term (six months) you pay a 1 percent cess from your income, and this keeps increasing arithematically every year till you are broke, or b) If you enter another relationship, which the Department of Homeland Insecurity registers as your fifth, there’d be a 5% cess on your income tax, plus the alimony you would have paid your ex-wives.
I don’t think I would do well in that kind of environment, you know!
(Such crap, but what can I do?-Ed.)

3. A Minority President of the USA (part two): If a future President is an economist, we would be in even more danger. Imagine what-all madcap theories would be tested to create equality between men and women, men and men, men and animals (women would say there already is such equality), women and animals (some men would say animals are superior). Politically correct, economically and socially disastrous. In the end, the country created could be called IndUS.
In case a female is voted or selected as President, I demand that the Black Box codes be locked off every mid-cycle (menstrual, not a Hero cycle) from her. The Codes could reside with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but he or she would probably forget the box in the toilet. Next thing you know, a guy like Larry Craig picks it up the next time he wants to adopt a wide stance in public. Who knows what could happen next: nuclear ransom for sex?
If Saracudda become President, the Box coulda been sent off to India, where the code activation and launch could happen at the first ring of the telephone. This could be India’s major first contribution to nuclear non-proliferation.
(Some blogs could be banned, like this one should-Ed.)

4. A minority President of the USA (teesra bhag): If a Jindal or Shah or Singh became POTUS, imagine the crisis: bhangra as the national dance, free visas for Indians, freedom to spit and pee by the highways, and right for Jersey cows to graze and crap at the same time as an immigrant Greek Bhaiya called Neo Lactophilos milks the udders, which squirt pure ghee. Another set of cows would produce lassi, and the cows on diets would produce chhaas. Edison cloned across the US, think of it (author goes to toilet to vomit, feet in narrow stance, and falls down. Craig is innocent?!)!
(Who’s Craig? I heard of Bill Clinton n M’knicker Chewinsky or somthn’- Ed.)
5. Large swathes of Americans get addicted to sex: I am worried if a few females there get addicted to me (don’t miss how classy I was to avoid the temptation of a pun on the ‘addict’ word), I might get into Miss Fortune again and again. Instead, if a few guys feel that way about me, I would get a bit behind in my carear.
(What is this guy, only nuts?- Ed.)

6. I get shit scared of politicians who appeal to religion or invoke God as the sheet anchor of one’s moral premises. In the name of God, can we avoid religion altogether from poly tricks? I would never migrate to a country where God guides policy making. At my neck of the woods, it is usually money or votes which do so, and this is more familiar.

Now, you tell me more reasons you/I should sit back in India!
(Thank God, it’s over, now I gotta front page it, they say!- Ed.)