Category Archives: Sarah Palin

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-10-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Mark Sanford of South Carolina still hasn’t resigned. He spent 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don’t think she likes him very much any more. So who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida? I’m guessing Joe Biden. (Rich Orwell)

Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but you want to quit half way through. (Janice Hough)

A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don’t worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying. (Conan O’Brien)

So Sarah Palin has said she will cede power to Alaska’s lieutenant governor. And as a New Yorker, all I can say is: “Sure. What could possibly go wrong?” (Marc Ragovin)

Okay, John Edwards, Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. Hard to believe that the least embarassing V. P. candidate in recent memory is Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

A pending law would put guns in Arizona bars. Normally packing a gun is dangerous, but the risks are minimal thanks to the calming and sensible effects of alcohol. (Alex Kaseberg)

Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Biden said that he and President Obama “misread” the severity of the recession. And former President Bush said “See what can go wrong when you read?” (Janice Hough)

This might be too soon, but right about now you have to think Jenny Sanford is wishing her husband’s “soul mate” had been Sahel Kazemi. (Janice Hough)

The two-hour Michael Jackson Memorial service took place on Tuesday in Los Angeles’ Staples Center. Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson both spoke, and when you throw in Michael Jackson you’ve got three of the best ball handlers in history. (Jerry Perisho)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-15-08

Posted from Jamshedpur Airport, which is, in spite of its name suggesting a shed for an airport, has this amazing, blindingly fast WiFi network. And Kolkata doesn’t have an airport with WiFi: the shame!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And Barack Obama being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, “The United States can only have one president at a time,” to which Bush said, “Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” (Jay Leno)

Only 69 days until Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be weird not having Dick Cheney in charge. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too. We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth. (Janice Hough)

And in the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as appropriations committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there. (Jay Leno)

A bailout is where there’s too much money but never enough. (Gil Stern)

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with no actual powers. So, no big change there. (Will Durst)

It was a terrible week on Wall Street. The economy is in tatters. You know, this is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes. (Craig Ferguson)

The Democratic Party in Kansas wants to make November 4 a national holiday to remember the historic election that Obama just won. But later they were reminded that Obama already has a holiday: Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

The clothing industry is laying off 10,000 workers. Not because of the recession, but due to the fact Sarah Palin has stopped shopping. (Tim Hunter)

Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, “Well, hasn’t she helped him enough already?” (David Letterman)

Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it… until Laura told him it was about him. (Pedro Bartes)

Having built the most extensive Web database ever seen in politics, Barack Obama says he’ll communicate directly with the electorate on certain sensitive issues. Meanwhile, the Republicans report that in the next presidential election, they’ll be perfecting smoke signals and something called the telegraph. (Jerry Perisho)

One thing that will be different about Barack Obama’s time in the White House is that there will be young girls running around. It’s been a long time since that happened, if you don’t include interns. (Tim Hunter)

The economy is rough. In Century City, an entertainment attorney could only afford a Costco coffin to sleep in during the day. (Alex Kaseberg)

The White House handed another forty billion dollars to AIG Monday on top of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill. The president’s approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet. (David Letterman)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-08-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

FOX news reported today that the election never happened. It was all just a dream. (Tim Hunter)

There was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples. (Jay Leno)

At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call. (David Letterman)

According to the latest polls, 100% of American voters are sick of this election. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Anybody mind if he starts a little early?” (David Letterman)

So, Barack Obama won, John McCain lost. Let this be a lesson to us all: never, EVER stand up David Letterman. (Tim Hunter)

And of course the big mantra was “Yes, we can!” Unless you’re a gay couple in California, then it’s, “No, you can’t.” (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama and Democrats will gain control of Congress and the White House. World reaction is pouring in. Australia’s prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency. (Craig Ferguson)

After Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers from Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren. Who will probably ask, “What’s a newspaper?” (Janice Hough)

According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama. (Jay Leno)

Democrats’ plan is to get the country out of the mess the Republicans got it into while trying to get it out of the mess the Democrats got it into. (Joe Hickman)

Democrat Barack Obama came up a big winner in the presidential race in Dixville Notch, N.H., where the nation’s first Election Day votes were cast and counted early Tuesday. I don’t want to say it’s over, but if you check e-Bay, someone in Alaska is selling designer clothing. (Pedro Bartes)

Barney, the White House dog, bit a Reuters reporter yesterday. Bush and the rest of the White house staff were mad at Barney; he was supposed to bite Keith Olberman. (Pedro Bartes)

President-elect Barack Obama, will make his promise good and get a rescue puppy for his two young daughters. So far they have in mind a runaway dog name Lieberman, a terrier named Bill Ayers, or a bitch pitbull named Sarah. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It’s the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers. (Jay Leno)

Suddenly, McCain’s supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow… and then asked her if she was seeing anyone. (Bob Mills)

So many voters were deciding on state issues like abortion and same-sex marriage. Do you realize, with a same sex marriage, there can be no abortion? I didn’t hear anybody using that argument. (Joe Hickman)

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian lost his bid for Congress and blamed it on a political system he says is “too corrupt.” It had nothing to do with the fact that all of the people who supported him are dead. (Paul Seaburn)

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CELEB BYTES IN HISTORIC TIMES

In these historic times, we (the blog owner and his ears) got to enjoy exclusive conversations with the biggest names in American politics. We (the blog owner and his keyboard) are hereby giving you, Dear Reader, a free sample of what words of snatches snatches of words we (the former We) were so privileged to hear. Enjoy!

BARACK OBAMA:

Do I give Hillary Health, or do I give Bill Foreign Affairs? Should I give Joe Biden oversight on Gas? Or should I call Daniel Craig to loan Miss Moneypenny to Treasury?
I am planning to give a tax break to comedy writers and stand-up comics: I fear they will all lose their jobs once I am in the White House. After Clinton and Bush, what do they get? Funny me, ha-ha!

Those of you who earn less than a thousand dollars a month, you have nothing to fear from me. The rest of you can vigorously copulate with someone of your same sex, or die saving the planet or something!
I say to those of you who did not vote for me, I’ll be your President as well. Don’t think your President is going to spare any chance to screw you, especially if you belong to Wall Street or Main Street! And, mark my words, I’ll screw Arnold Schwarzenegger, too! And that is once I attend Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s Mass.

majmccainarnie-420x0
(pic source: here.)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

I will be back!

OPRAH WINFREY:

There are no red states or white states, there are only black states now in the United States of America. Now that a black is President, we are now really united, for the first time in history. The One has won! Now we blacks can blow our noses on the shoulders of unsuspecting white folk standing nearby!

JOHN McCAIN:

We screwed up, my friends. I have decided to join Saturday Night Live as a regular performer. Most of the votes I got were from people who watched that show. The rest were from morons living in hilly states. I thank all of you for making my tongue-out picture the most emailed picture in history.
I want to tell young Americans one thing I have demonstrated, apart from my scars won in Vietnam, and that is how you can be petty, crabby and nasty while in the race but sublimely gracious in defeat. Remember, there is only one thing that looks good in defeat: Sarah Palin’s dress. Since I can’t wear hers’ I wore my loss in grace.

mccain-palin-gothic1
(pic source: About.com/d/political humor)

SARAH PALIN:

As an Alaskan, I will build a historic bridge across to Paris in 2012. I hear our great countries are historically related. The French President called me a couple days back, and was so… charming. I really got along with him.
I am very disappointed with our Press people, who have been questioning my knowledge. For all of you small-minded hacks there, I do know that Africa is a country. I never said it is a continent (aide switches off microphone).

PRESIDENT BUSH:

Gee! Finally we find that the al Qaida guy from Chicago has got elected to be President? What is America coming to? From moron to Koran?!

HILLARY CLINTON:

This is a historic night. Bill slept alone at home!

BILL CLINTON:

I think I made a seminal contribution to the campaign. I want to be Ambassador-at-large to Africa, and I need to show Sarah Palin a thing or two about drilling rights!

MR SAM LOSER:

YES, WE DID!

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud. (Jay Leno)

The day Congress convenes is the day we should observe Halloween — because that’s when the mistakes we made on Election Day come back to haunt us. (Joe Hickman)

Today John McCain went on the offensive and said that Barack Obama will do and say anything to win the election. Obama countered that later by showing a photograph of Sarah Palin and saying, “Really? I’m the one who’ll say and do anything?” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller. (Conan O’Brien)

The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals. (David Letterman)

Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance. (Jay Leno)

I’m going to vote early. By election day I may not care. (Joe Hickman)

Political pundits have been pointing out that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. And Joe Biden, Rogaine. (Pedro Bartes)

News reports frequently talk about “Toxic Loans” and “Toxic Mortgages,” but the real problem is with the large corporations who invested in these financial transactions. The real problem should be called “Toxic Stock Syndrome.” (Bertrand Piboin)

Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in California stories. Elementary school students in Berkeley are receiving a class credit for “lunch.” Since they learn about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that’s when you know we’re getting too fat in this country, when students are actually majoring in lunch! (Jay Leno)

An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States seem to be in a recession. Those would be the poorer parts. (Scott Witt)

A survey says that when comparing presidential candidates to cars, Barack Obama is a BMW and John McCain is a Ford. Sarah Palin is the trunk of the car since she comes with so much baggage, and Joe Biden is the passenger air bag. (Jim Barach)

If Alaska Senator Stevens were running for reelection in the State of Florida he would be in easily and if his trial were here things would have been different. Every voter seems to be wearing a sticker that states ” I Vote Ted” (Gary Reeves)

It’s not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet. (Jay Leno)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-25-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States seem to be in a recession. Those would be the poorer parts. (Scott Witt)

“W. ” opens today. If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s the Bush family. (David Letterman)

Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems. (Craig Ferguson)

Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you’re the richest man on Earth. (Amy Poehler)

So let’s see. In California Catholic priests who are caught having sex with teen-aged boys and girls are punished by mandatory counselling and transfered to another parish where they can start over with a clean slate. Priests who state they favor allowing same sex marriages to continue are defrocked and excommunicated. Conclusion: Catholic Bishops, at least in California, feel priests committing rape of children is a lot less serious than a priest advocating gay adult couples to continue to marry. That’s the beauty of the First Amendment. It is their right to feel that way. (Stan Kegel)

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They’ve been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The price of oil is way down but stores say they’re leaving prices up for awhile because they don’t want to pay employees to lower them, only to have oil skyrocket again. So here’s how we’re screwed. We have to pay higher prices because of the rising cost of lowering prices.(Patrick Gorse)

Motorola celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first cell-phone call. The first call went to Alexander Graham Bell’s grandson. Everyone today agrees the invention was one small step for man, one giant leap for auto body repair. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain says he will guarantee all savings at banks for six months after he becomes President. That is assuming that six months after the election anyone has any savings left. (Jim Barach)

Barack Obama is taking time out from the campaign trail to visit his sick grandmother. Obama is expected to completely restore her health as soon as he’s finished healing the lepers on the way to the hospital. (Jake Novak)

A new report shows that political campaign spending has reached a record $5.3 billion this year. So the best way to fix the economy is to force everyone in Washington to run for re-election every six months. (Jake Novak)

An Irish bookie has already paid off election bets, proclaiming Barack Obama as the winner. Apparently the bookie has never heard of Diebold voting machines. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-27-08

This is another mega post.

PART ONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The federal government will bail out the financial industry. It’s broke, operationally defunct, and is headed by greedy, power grabbing weasels. And the financial system ain’t in good shape either. (Alan Ray)

The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over. Then, they asked for $700 billion. (Jay Leno)

You know the way a bailout works? Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail. (Jay Leno)

Bush is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too. (Bill Maher)

The federal government announced a plan to spend a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan. It was either that, or Sarah Palin’s idea to sell it all on eBay. (Bill Maher)

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it’s Chapter 11. (Jay Leno)

By ceasing campaigning and returning to Washington to skuttle the Bush “Bailout Plan,” John McCain hopes to convince the American voter that it is he and not his opponent who is most fit to make the changes necessary to stop the Bush policies that are throwing the country into a depression. (Stan Kegel)

The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it’s called socialism. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman. (Jake Novak)

An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e-mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, “Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control.” (Conan O’Brien)

Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It’s like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes)

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