Category Archives: satire

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-14-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Politicians in the state of Iowa have voted to rename their Department of Elder Affairs. They’re changing the name to the Department of Aging. Have they thought this through? I mean, now, elderly people will be calling the D. O.A. (Jay Leno)

A wide-ranging study on American religious life found that more Americans say they have no religion at all. Which is weird because every time most Americans check their 401(k) they say: “Oh God!” (Pedro Bartes)

Tobacco-rich North Carolina is close to passing a law banning public smoking. No smoking in North Carolina? Next thing you know the state will make it illegal to marry your sister! (Jake Novak)

History is a story that repeats itself; right now it’s on Chapter 11. (Gil Stern)

Americans in rapidly growing numbers have ceased using “Bullshit” or “B S” for statements that are ridiculously stupid, biased, and untrue. Instead, they call such statements “a Limbough” to honor the man whose every utterance seems to epitomize the term. (Stan Kegel)

President Obama will reverse the Bush administration’s limits on government spending for embryonic stem-cell research today. The White House is hoping scientists will discover a way to use stem cells to regrow the stock market. Nancy Pelosi is especially excited about the move, as she is hoping to use stem cells to help her grow a penis. (Jake Novak)

Iowans asserted their need for that two-million-dollar congressional earmark to study pig odor. Now’s the time. They would have asked earlier, but it wasn’t til the presidential candidates left that Iowans were sure the smell was coming from the hogs. (Argus Hamilton)

There’s a new swingset up at the White House for the Obama girls. This will mark the first time there have been swingers at the White House since the Clinton administration. (Tim Hunter)

In North Korea, they’re grooming President Kim Jong Il’s son to take over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea know, this doesn’t always work out the best. (Jay Leno)

President Obama wants public schools to go beyond math and reading proficiency and include classes on “creativity” and “imagination.” Kids who grow up with more creative imaginations and less math and reading ability have great career opportunities in the White House budget office. (Jake Novak)

Two junior high school teachers in Utah are accused of having sex with the same 13-year-old student. Isn’t that a sign of the bad economy? Teachers cannot afford their own students and now have to share. (Pedro Bartes)

In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, they’ll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit. (Jay Leno)

Britney Jordan, the top NCAA women’s basketball scorer at 31.3 points per game for Texas A&M-Commerce, once worked as an exotic dancer in Philadelphia, The Dallas Morning News reported. No wonder they’re moving up in the poles. (Dwight Perry)

The FDIC hinted Friday it might have to borrow billions of dollars in order to insure everybody’s bank deposits. The overall economy is to blame. In the last four months fifty million Americans have had to switch brokers, from to stock to pawn. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In light of recent developments, the famous phrase “Not for all the tea in China” will be changed immediately to “Not for all the T-Bills in China.” (Paul Feehan)

The case is finally coming to court of a North Carolina firm that collected human body parts for transplants, which was closed because the owners kept inaccurate records. It appears the owner just doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Although the owner put his heart and soul into it, he just didn’t have a good head for business. (Jerry Perisho)

So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, “Wow! There really hasn’t been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.” (David Letterman)

There was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. They are calling it the city’s biggest snow job since that stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

I’ll miss New York but both New York and California have their downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets.” (Conan O’Brien, whose NBC show is relocating to Los Angeles)

President Obama says it’s only the “rich few” who oppose his spending plan. What he meant to say was that after his plan is enacted, only a few of us will be rich. (Jake Novak)

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government’s “Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.” (Jay Leno)

Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s monthly batting averages, March to October, for the 2008 season: 1.000, .305, .293, .264, .236, .193, .178, .100. No word on whether he answers to the nickname of “Stock Market.” (Dwight Perry)

Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He’s enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama’s policies is Rush Limbaugh. (Argus Hamilton)

Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, “Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?” Have you seen Rush lately? (Jay Leno)

According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges. (Craig Ferguson)

The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college kids want to play in the snow this week they don’t have to go to Mexico and get killed trying to buy some. (Argus Hamilton)

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THE LINES OF HADES

After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.

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(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)

Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.

Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:

American youth first learn to do sex when they lick ice cream cones or try charging iPods with their asses. A small minority learn sex around the same time they can pronounce the word ‘innocent’.
Indian boys first learn slapping and kicking, while the girls learn to deliver and breast-feed babies and get addicted to K serials, by which time they begin to understand how things might work.
Rich Indian-American boys learn the ‘withdrawal method’ first.

Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-28-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get his daughters a dog in April. The Obama’s joke that Barack will be the official Pooper Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he’s been picking up all the crap Bush has left. (Pedro Bartes)

The term Broadband is derived from the two primary uses of high speed internet access: downloading porn (broads) and illegal MP3s (bands). (Dave Hitt)

According to a survey among historians, out-going President George Bush was only the 6th-worst president we’ve ever had. Another example of why we need a national playoff system. (Tim Hunter)

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman has been offered $1 million and benefits to make a porn movie. Filmmakers told her to “shake her babymaker,” and she pulled out a rack of test tubes. (Jerry Perisho)

The NBA is producing “Vaccines For Teens” public-service announcements, featuring Grant Hill and Lisa Leslie, on the importance of getting timely inoculations. Baseball’s version, we hear, stars Jose Canseco and A-Rod’s cousin. (Dwight Perry)

On actress Meryl Streep’s record 15 career Oscar nominations: I hate to say it, but someone puts up numbers like that, it’s just hard not to think “steroids.” (Hugh Jackman)

Cheez-Its has created a new type of cracker that looks like Scrabble tiles. Perfect for people who like to play with their food. (Tim Hunter)

The Power Within motivational group has dropped Michael Phelps as a speaker. Talk about charisma. When he walks in, he tends to light up the joint. (Alan Ray)

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout our country’s history. It was disturbing to discover the chapter on Bill Clinton was comprised primarily of limericks about Nantucket. (Alex Kaseberg)

A 73 year old college basketball player in Tennessee has been ruled ineligible to play. He’s so old that the years it will take until his graduation have been renamed “the final four”. (Jim Barach)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-21-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There’s an exciting new concept to lower the unemployment rate. If you’re over 45, you’re not unemployed; you’re on “early retirement.” (Robt Stupple)

President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic. (Jay Leno)

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for. (Jay Leno)

On Tuesday, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking drugs. Barry Bonds called A-Rod and advised him, “Don’t go getting a big head!” (Jerry Perisho)

Ah, spring training. There is nothing like the sound of the crack of bat, the smack of the ball hitting the mitt, the smell of fresh mown grass, the pop of the plunger coming out of the syringe. (Alex Kaseberg)

Now Senator Burris is putting out another story of how he got picked by Blagojevich. No wonder folks look at him as if he’s a crook; he’s a second-story man. (Gil Stern)

Alaska officials have told Governor Sarah Palin she owes back taxes on the thousands of dollars she received in state per diem funds while living at her home in Wasilla. You know what could be next: Yep, a cabinet post in the Obama administration. (Tim Hunter)

Barack Obama says the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn’t want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter. (Argus Hamilton)

Local libertarians are proposing the quickest and surest way of stopping the recession would be abolishing the income tax. Congressmen would not need to worry about their income as it would be adequately provided by lobbyists. (Stan Kegel)

“Dancing with the Stars” has chosien Lawrence Taylor as a contestant. Do not — I repeat, do not — tell him to go break a leg. (Frenchie McFarlane)

That’s the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things. (Jay Leno)

The country is suffering a nationwide nursing shortage. There is only one way to fill the nursing gap; Salma Hayek. She’ll nurse anybody. (Jerry Perisho)

Rihanna’s album sales have gone up since she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown a week and a half ago. You know what they say in show biz, a big hit helps album sales. (Pedro Bartes)

Well, here’s the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail. (Jay Leno)

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn’t work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-14-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Monday is President’s Day. Legend has it George Washington heaved a silver dollar across the Potomac. To commemorate the event, this week Congress will throw lots of money away. (Alan Ray)

Money talks and taxes are how it eats its own words. (Gil Stern)

Spring training is just around the corner. Next week, pitchers and catchers and pharmacists report. (Gary Loewen)

Michael Phelps relationship with Kellogg’s has gone up in smoke. (Tim Hunter)

I just noticed that if you divide the 2009 FDA budget by the population of the US, you get $6.25, exactly enough to buy every American a bulk pack of Keebler’s Cheese and Peanut Butter Crackers. Coincidence? I think not! (Paul Benoit)

When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes. (Conan O’Brien)

People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here’s how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm. (David Letterman)

Today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.’s in a room full of politicians — they had to flip a coin to see who’s going to tell the first lie. (Jay Leno)

The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars a congressman makes, a prostitute makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama says without Lincoln’s presidency, a black man might never have been elected President. All due respect to Lincoln, but without George W. Bush’s efforts, a black man might not have been elected President.(Janice Hough)

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, in New York people are going to Knicks games just to see something that sucks worse than Wall Street. (Scott Witt)

A woman who ran an escort service servicing Wall Street gave an interview to ABC and said that some of the banks CEO’s were her clients. I don’t believe her, why would the banker pay to have sex if they have been screwing the country for free for years?. (Pedro Bartes)

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Many Americans previously clueless about geography are expressing a sudden interest in the Netherlands. (Marv Kaminsky)

See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour? (Jay Leno)

President Obama’s admission that he screwed up vetting cabinet appointees drew raves for his honesty Friday. The last president never admitted screwing up on the job. It took a DNA test to get the president before that to admit he screwed anything. (Argus Hamilton)

Sarah Palin celebrated her 45th birthday Wednesday. And she did it like always with her traditional chocolate moose cake. (Pedro Bartes)

These days Barack Obama has to be thinking, Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted longer than this. (Janice Hough)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The trouble with the economy is that we’re operating in the red while hoping to get money out of the blue. (Gil Stern)

I don’t want to just ruin everybody’s day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high. (David Letterman)

If we learn anything from the current confirmation hearings, it is that we could significantly reduce the national debt by routine audits of senators, congressmen and other elected officials. And why not add CEOs and other executives of major corporations to that list? (Stan Kegel)

Barack Obama’s Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. It seems like a tradition that high ranked politicians have a brother than taints their names. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, Jimmy Carter and his brother Billy, and Jeb his brother George (Pedro Bartes)

There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they’re very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes. (Jay Leno)

You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes. (Jay Leno)

Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. (Craig Ferguson)

According to a CNN survey, almost 50% of office romances lead to marriage. The other 50% lead to job promotions. (Pedro Bartes)

Beleaguered Citigroup, which had secured the naming rights to the Mets’ new ballpark for the next 20 years, is reportedly thinking about backing out of the deal. Assuming there’s no penalty for early withdrawal. (Dwight Perry)

US Airways is now charging $7 for a pillow. That’s sort of high considering they get their goose feathers for free. (Norm M)

Mothballed basketballer Stephon Marbury hasn’t played a minute for the Knicks this season but is still collecting his $21.9 million salary — or nearly as much as Serena Williams, the highest-paid women’s athlete in history, has made in her entire career. Just think,Serena plays tennis, but Stephon has the bigger racket. (Dan Daly)

Republican Senator Jim DeMint says the White House will “create crisis” and “panic” to push President Obama’s stimulus bill. DeMint says creating crisis and panic should only be used in order to start a war. (Jim Barach)

Because of a huge budget crisis, California is now going to delay paying tax refunds. To which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.” (Jay Leno)

Nancy Killefer withdrew her nomination to the Obama administration because of tax problems. Running from a job over taxes — in Washington this is becoming known as the 100-yard Daschle. (Doug Austen)

A California woman who already had six kids gave birth to octuplets after taking fertility treatments. Fertility treatments for someone with six children? Isn’t that like giving a laxative to someone who has just eaten at Taco Bell? (Jim Barach)

A Florida couple paid $155,000 for a clone of their dog that died. Those people need to be spayed and neutered. (Bob Barker)
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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-31-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And so just how popular is our new president? The way I see it, if it ain’t Barack, don’t fixate! (Tom Mitchell)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday, so it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They will have one politician sitting in the White House, and the other one sitting in the big house. (Jay Leno)

Governor Rod Blagojevich will be the guest on “Larry King Live” Monday night. Viewers are invited to call in with their questions — $5 for the first minute, $1.50 for each additional minute. (Todd Long)

Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that’s refreshing, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)

The email system in the Obama White House crashed Monday morning. Political historians say the last thing to go down in the White House was Monica Lewinsky. (Jerry Perisho)

Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president. (Craig Ferguson)

They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off. (David Letterman)

Remember that plane US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson river? Great news. FEMA just showed up to help the passengers get out. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That’s a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees’ payroll for a season and a half. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland. (Conan O’Brien)

PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house. (Craig Ferguson)

The Super Bowl is Sunday. The NBC play-by-play team will be there giving the most in-depth analysis. Of what’s up later on NBC. (Alan Ray)

In Tampa, where Sunday’s Super Bowl game will take place, there are 43 strip clubs, many within walking distance of the football stadium. Dancers at strip clubs during Super Bowl week can make $2,000 per day. And, there is no “illegal use of the hands” rule. (Jerry Perisho)

Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Sunday news shows that Congress spending two hundred million dollars on birth control will help stimulate the American economy. This is crazy. An economy that is screwing this many people doesn’t need any more stimulation. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There’s outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he’s hostile to gun rights. (Argus Hamilton)
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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-24-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Every single TV network was covering the inauguration except Fox; they’re still doing a recount. (Jay Leno)

Obama’s getting things done fast. In two days he’s taken as many oaths of office as Bush did in eight years. (Doug Austen)

Lake Erie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Amazingly enough, even with two million people on the mall, there were no arrests in D.C. Not that were was no crime. After all, Congress was still in session. (Will Durst)

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That’s the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner. (Jay Leno)

President Obama re-took the Oath of Office Wednesday because the Chief Justice forgot to make him say the word faithfully. Everyone had the same thought. If that had happened when Bill Clinton took the oath there’d have been no grounds to impeach him. (Argus Hamilton)

For we comics, losing Bush is like losing a trusted drug dealer. (Will Durst)

President Obama signed an executive order on Thursday to close the military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Rumors say Dick Cheney will buy it and turn it into a fancy hotel and gun range. — A place where congressmen and senators can go to relax and shoot off their frustrations, at lobbyists expense, of course. (Joe Hickman)

In his inaugural speech, Barack Obama promised change but that every person in the US is going to have to sacrifice and work hard for it. To which every person in the US said; “Whoa. When we said we wanted change we didn’t mean we wanted to have to do anything.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Historians and sports experts generally agree Barack Obama is the fittest president in history. Do you know who our second fittest president was? Bill Clinton. He once did fifty push ups in a row. And that was just on one intern. (Alex Kaseberg)

The most successful Olympic product pushers of all time: 1) Decathlete Bob Mathias, Wheaties cereal. 2) Gymnast Mary Lou Retton, Energizer batteries. 3) East German women’s swim team, Colonel Conk’s Moustache Wax. (Dwight Perry)

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. That is so sexist. I’m not asking for equal pay here but 160 times more pay? Where is that scary feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred? Get her on the phone. (Alex Kaseberg)

LeBron James’ being will be on the cover of the February issue of GQ magazine. Meanwhile, NFL star Plaxico Burress will be on the cover of Guns & Ammo. (Jerry Perisho)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son, Jeb Bush, would make a great President. If Jeb Bush does become President, the White House would have seen more Bush than, well, when Clinton was there. (Alex Kaseberg)

Las Vegas oddsmakers installed USC as a 2 ½-point favorite over Texas and the Florida-Oklahoma winner by 7 ½ over Utah in next week’s football Final Four semifinals … And then the blasted alarm clock went off. (David J. Wardell)

The F.D.A. has approved a new drug that will give people longer eyelashes. Well, thank God we are not wasting time and money on cancer research. (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton is being considered to replace his wife as a senator of New York, making it the first time Bill is interested in Hillary’s seat. (Pedro Bartes)

Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it’s not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money. (David Letterman)

A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right, Middle East, a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world? U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Conan O’Brien)

Hustler’s Larry Flynt and Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” are asking for $5 billion in federal bailout money. Speaking of federal money going to those doing lewd acts, when does Larry Craig start drawing his pension? (Jerry Perisho)

The Boy Scouts are launching a campaign to draw more Latino members. Apparently, now old ladies not only need help to cross the street, but also the border. (Pedro Bartes)

How shocking was the much-maligned Pac-10’s 5-0 record in bowl games? That’s like turning on the television on election night,and finding out Ron Paul is ahead. (Brad Dickson)

According to several plastic surgeons, the bad economy has reduced the number of breast implants. So now, if you want to see big boobs, you have to see those who manage the country’s economy. (Pedro Bartes)

Lynn Tucker got a late start on her boxing career, but she has a great excuse. The 30-year-old mother of seven, set to debut in Friday’s local Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl, stated “I’ve always wanted to do this, but I’ve been pregnant my entire adult life. I got married when I was 18, and I’ve been pregnant ever since. The factory’s closed.” (Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail)

Democrat Al Franken has defeated the incumbent US Senator from Minnesota Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Wow, what a close vote! You know what Minnesota needs? They need a Rod Blagojevich to help streamline the election process. (Jerry Perisho)

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