Category Archives: sex

THE LINES OF HADES

After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.

a159313_0002_optimised-1
(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)

Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.

Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:

American youth first learn to do sex when they lick ice cream cones or try charging iPods with their asses. A small minority learn sex around the same time they can pronounce the word ‘innocent’.
Indian boys first learn slapping and kicking, while the girls learn to deliver and breast-feed babies and get addicted to K serials, by which time they begin to understand how things might work.
Rich Indian-American boys learn the ‘withdrawal method’ first.

Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.

WOMEN ARE CHASTE, MEN ARE ROGUES, AND OTHER FAIRY TALES

The suggestively titled magazine More has found in a survey that “one in four young women has slept with more than 10 people, compared with one in five men who had done the same”. The poll was held in the UK, as you can read from this article. The new article was mistakenly printed in the New Cars section.

The article does not say how many of these ‘people’ are themselves or their pets, but that will be the contents of another one with 5000 Diggs.

Critics of the survey are quick to point out that while the article says “half of those questioned admitted they had been unfaithful, whereas only a quarter said they had been cheated on by a boyfriend”, it does not specifically say whether the respondents felt they had cheated on themselves by bonking their neighbors’ pets.

The survey also found that most young women would rather sleep with their MacBooks than with the men they married, because they did not believe in sex within marriage and sex with love. For that, they had themselves or their cheat-shits.

Scientists estimate that the average British woman surrenders her virginity as soon as she gets her first iPhone or iPod, which is around infancy, but say that these other events are “mere epiphenomena”. A venerable journal of social science, the Son Sun, recently reported that men with condoms stuck on the outside of their shirts were more potent and fertile than men who were more conservative, as deduced from their “wearing underwear over their trousers while catching the Tube.”

A spokesperson for the British Sluttistical Institute claimed that, by the yardstick of the More survey, most people in Britain have had sex with every other. The Secretary of the Institute, Mr. Bansi Lal, stated that the survey needed follow up to prove an exciting new hipothesis that “Indians in UK are the only Indians really getting laid.”

When questioned about the hipothesis being contradicted by the high birth rates in India, Mr. Lal said, “Arrey, that is because we are getting [bleep]ed by those Pakistani [bleep]ers!”

(Indian) Union Health Emperor Mr. Ambumani Ramadoss could not be contacted. His office said he is busy on a mission in the UK.

Ex-Home Minister Shivraj Patil was also unavailable, as he was busy generally [bleep]ing around.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-10-08

There will not be an issue of Humerus News next week.

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to a new survey by the Pew Social and Demographic Trends Project, more Americans would rather have more free time than money. If the economy continues slowing, their wish will be granted pretty soon. (Pedro Bartes)

The slowing U.S. economy has led to the most significant drop in illegal aliens coming in from Mexico since 9/11. Who knew that President Bush’s immigration policy revolved around starting a depression? (Jim Barach)

I was thinking about this, and I’m no political genius. I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy. (David Letterman)

Jenna Bush gets married on Saturday. It’ll be a very small wedding. The president has only invited his supporters. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. government plans to help Iraq build a mega shopping complex in downtown Baghdad. Security will be a factor. It’ll bring new meaning to the phrase “shop ’til you drop.” (Alan Ray)

A new poll suggests that George W. Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, to what Bush said: “Number 1 baby, number 1!!!” (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn’t do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

They’ve discovered a way to make a human being absolutely invisible. All you have to do is run for president as a Republican. (Patrick Gorse)

President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don’t want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can’t, of course, anymore. (Jay Leno)

Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn’t have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator. (Argus Hamilton)

Drake University has become the third college in the nation to offer a course in wind law, joining the University of Texas and the University of Oregon. It’s a prerequisite course. In order to study environmental law, you first have to pass wind. (Bob Mills)

The Yankees yesterday placed Alex Rodriguez on the disabled list. It’s actually the first time since 2000 that the third baseman has been inactive. Well, other than the playoffs. (Janice Hough)

President Bush’s popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends. (Jay Leno)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-03-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

On the alleged sexual affair with country singer Mindy McCready starting when she was 15 years old: “Apparently, Roger Clemens has been playing in the minors.” (Jay Leno)

This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night..(Pedro Bartes)

Prince William’s image may be hurt by his recent antics with a military helicopter. A rich young man born into privilege who is destined for the throne because of his bloodlines, who is not taking his stint in the military seriously? Thank goodness that could never happen here in America. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly. (Craig Ferguson)

The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to their local gas station. (Jake Novak)

Boy, it is hard to keep up with all these crises we have in America. Remember last week, when everybody in America was obese? Remember that? This week there’s a food shortage. What happened over the weekend? Did we pig out and eat all the food? (Jay Leno)

The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it’s so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer’s point all along. (Argus Hamilton)

Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress. (Pedro Bartes)

Continue reading

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-15-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you’ve got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you’ve got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. (Jay Leno)

I have heard that Eliot Spitzer engaged in some kinky things. When a reporter asked him what his favorite form of weird sex was with these professionals, he looked puzzled and replied “Beats me!” And supposedly, his wife tracked him to the hotel one night and called his room from the reception desk below. He said “I can’t talk to you now. I’m tied up at the moment.” (Charles Wukasch)

Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour. (Jay Leno)

Governor Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a call girl in a famous Washington D.C. hotel. It’s not unusual. The number of women who came over on the Mayflower will never equal the number of women who came across at the Mayflower. (Argus Hamilton)

A word has been added to the dictionary. Spitzer, n., a person who spits in other peoples’ faces only to have it blow back in his own. (Scott Witt)

Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don’t think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O. (Jay Leno)

Voters in two Vermont towns have called for the arrest of President Bush and Vice President Cheney should they ever visit. When President Bush was told the law was non-binding and symbolic, he said “Oh, you mean like the Constitution?” (Jim Barach)

Continue reading

WTF NEWS OF THE DAY

From a Nature News Alert:

From the annals of insect biology comes a cautionary tale for those recovering from their post-New Year’s celebration: heavy boozing has been shown to send male fruitflies, like their human counterparts, into a lusty fog.

In the flies, hypersexuality caused by chronic alcohol exposure has the effect of making the males chase anything with wings — other males included.

Now, all very well, but why should flies get drunk, I ask? And why should a scientist get them drunk?
A fly being down is understandable, but now we need to change the English language:“My fly is up, honey. Let’s fly together!” to one’s lover, seeking redemption from sexual tension. Is anyone listening?

THE NEW HYPOCRITICAL OATH FOR DOCTORS

A bald Professor of the Laconic Medical University came to address a group of young doctors from various public and private hospitals in India who were having a lunch after a medical meeting on stents for heart disease.
“Greetings, my fellow brethren!”
Various voices rose from the audience.
“Arrey, dude! Why are you talking funny like?”
“Who are you, Mister?”

240px-hippocrates.jpg

The bald man rose to his full height.
“I am Hip. Hip O’Crates.”
“Hip? What a cool name!”
“Where are you from, Hip?”

“I am from Kos-sipore.”
“So, tell us, Doc-Hip, what are you doing here?”

“Gentlemen, I am here for a new project funded by the Bill Gates Foundation. I am heading a project codifying a new list of commandments for doctors. In essence, it will redefine how physicians will behave in the next thousand years.”

Again, several voices rose in repsonse.
“I thought a Code was something that was made into a movie.”
“And I thought a Code is something that women say when they ask a question to a man.”
“What is this new code, Hip?”

“Okay, gentlemen, I will discuss this with you in details. Let me spell out the important portions.
The first line goes like this: I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygeia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath.

“Hey, Hip! What did you smoke?”
“Saala, piyelaa hai!”
“Nahin re, yeda hai!”
“I work in Apollo, too, and I think they suck!”
“Panacea Biotech is a good company. They sponsored the lunch at the last Association meet, you know?!”

Hip O’Crates waved his hands to placate the young crowd.
“Look, er, guys, let me cut this out. Too confusing. Next:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents..

Another loud buzz flowed out from the group.
“ Treat my boss like my Dad, are you kidding me? Some of my Professors barely used to be sober in the day!”
“Yeah, and one of mine got slapped in the ward when he tried to gainfully palpate the buttocks of an intern!”

Hip O’Crates shuddered, and continued.
“ … and to live my life in partnership with him.”
A wisecrack: “ Provided he has a very pretty daughter!”
Laughter.

“… and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine.”
“ Very funny, what money?”
“I lost whatever I earned in the bars, gambling tables, and stock market,
re!”
More laughter.

“… and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage and to teach them this art – if they desire to learn it – without fee and covenant”
“ Teach your enemy what you know? Arrey, I will happily shave my head if my boss’ son became blind or lame! Bugger is undercutting my cases left and right, you know?!”

Hip was sweating now: “… to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no one else.”
A senior surgeon remarked, “My driver has been assisting me for so long that he does all my simple cases. Very reliable! This way, I can take time off to play the stock market, you know? Who can afford to miss out on this bull market, yaar?”

“ I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment”
“ What’s a diet?”
“What does diet matter to the modern doc? Unless it means supplements. The ones for which the company-wallahs took us for that Alaska trip last year? You went, na?”
, a thin man with a goatee asked his neighbor.

A little dizzy, Hip intoned,“ I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect.”
“Not even to Prakash Karat or Mamata?”
“Or even to the makers of movies like Welcome and Om Shanti Om?”


“ Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy.”

“Hey, man, Why are you Wadeing into a controversy that will only bring you eternal sore Roe?”

Hip: “ In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.”
“Make that guard my wife and my tax consultant!”
The audience was thoroughly enjoying this now.

“ I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.”
“Do you wanna starve, Hip?”
“Yeah, do you know that unless you operate on all the stones that would pass off spontaneously in the piss, or are harmless and asymptomatic, you can’t ever hope to make a Europe trip with spouse? Be practical, man!”

“I will remain free of sexual relations with both female and male persons”.
“Only if you are a vet! Haraharhar!”

“What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.”
Now a few voices again expressed outrage at his proposals.
“Hip, but if you don’t, what will you chat about in the parties and conferences? People won’t refer you cases if you are so boring!”
“And if you don’t keep dropping the names of the VIP patients you have treated, whether in real life or in your dreams, people won’t get impressed. And, you know, boss, if you don’t impress people, no one gives a rat’s rectum to your ability. It’s all marketing and packaging, you know?”

Hip continued, voice choking,
“ If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.”

“What…?”
“Hey, Hip, just reverse that and we will be fine, okay?”

Hip quickly realised his policy needed to change. He said,
“In other words, gentlemen, let me rephrase this new code:
I swear by all my sponsors that I will be careful of my teachers’ kids, especially if they are competitive. And I will live with my teacher if his daughter is good at oral sex.
I will rely on expensive nutritional supplements for the healthy and the sick, and I will deal with abortions according to the local laws, practise for profit the holy art of sex determination and female feticide.
I will get a confidentiality waiver from all my patients, and exploit each case to the utmost in my material self interest. I will, where possible, avoid inflating my statistics to the media beyond reasonable proportions.
I can show the photographs of any of my patients, but I will not circulate the nude pictures of the film actresses who I photograph in the nude while they are under anesthesia.
I will not have sexual relations with the pets or domesticated animals of my patients. I will, however, use all protective measures to prevent unwanted pregnancies during such encounters that are never shown in Animal Planet.
I will not do anything unethical. The definition of ethics will be shortly drafted by an Ethics Panel consisting of Bill Clinton, Jagdish Tytler, Mayavati, George Fernandes, Vladimir Putin, Hugo Chavez and Larry Craig.”