Category Archives: sex

THE LINES OF HADES

After the minor display of irritation shown by some local youths in Lahore (that the world perversely perceived as a terror attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team), the ripples are rolling like the surface of a hijab blown by the wind. Cause: comments by the Brits.
Now, we all know how crazy they are.

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(pic: the Jugum penis-UK, 1880-1920, device to prevent incontinence and masturbation)

Look at some of their historic medical devices– a large number being designed unsuccessfully to prevent men from becoming master baiters. They had too much time (and some other things) on their hands. Now, is it not obvious that Chris Broad is as crazy as the rest of them? At least that is the opinion of the 100-odd people in Pakistan who can tell the difference between a bazooka and a mashooka (most people in that peaceful country think they are both names for bombs). Former Pak cricket captain Mr. Javed Miandad, that high priest of reason, has called for Mr. Broad to be banned. A broadband connection is not difficult to make in Pakistan, these days, apparently.

Mr. Younis Khan, current Pak captain, is of the same opinion. Any reasonable man would realise that the world, recession-hit and with free time in hand, is plotting to give a bad name to Pakistan, whose reputation is right up there with Michael Jackson. Mr. Khan has said that “On top of that, if the kids here stop playing cricket when we become pariahs, they will become terrorists”. Which, Government sources say, would be a big deterioration from merely marrying into their families.
All sane men who carry assault rifles to the toilet understand this reality. The problem, as the Government sees it, is how to make the world understand that it (the world) is like a drug addict that needs to wake up.
Elsewhere in the world, Sanjay Gupta refused the offer of US Surgeon General because he wanted more time for watching pornography and self abuse (the technical term he used was ‘marriage’). He was puzzled to note some missed calls from Bill Clinton.
In an interesting coincidence, the New England Journal of Medicine published a paper showing cultural differences in sexual education and the ‘first time’ the young learn to have sex. The ‘Conclusion’ section is reproduced below:

American youth first learn to do sex when they lick ice cream cones or try charging iPods with their asses. A small minority learn sex around the same time they can pronounce the word ‘innocent’.
Indian boys first learn slapping and kicking, while the girls learn to deliver and breast-feed babies and get addicted to K serials, by which time they begin to understand how things might work.
Rich Indian-American boys learn the ‘withdrawal method’ first.

Mr. Sanjay Gupta will soon be doing a live program on this important subject, according to a spokesman identified only as a Mr. Larry K.

WOMEN ARE CHASTE, MEN ARE ROGUES, AND OTHER FAIRY TALES

The suggestively titled magazine More has found in a survey that “one in four young women has slept with more than 10 people, compared with one in five men who had done the same”. The poll was held in the UK, as you can read from this article. The new article was mistakenly printed in the New Cars section.

The article does not say how many of these ‘people’ are themselves or their pets, but that will be the contents of another one with 5000 Diggs.

Critics of the survey are quick to point out that while the article says “half of those questioned admitted they had been unfaithful, whereas only a quarter said they had been cheated on by a boyfriend”, it does not specifically say whether the respondents felt they had cheated on themselves by bonking their neighbors’ pets.

The survey also found that most young women would rather sleep with their MacBooks than with the men they married, because they did not believe in sex within marriage and sex with love. For that, they had themselves or their cheat-shits.

Scientists estimate that the average British woman surrenders her virginity as soon as she gets her first iPhone or iPod, which is around infancy, but say that these other events are “mere epiphenomena”. A venerable journal of social science, the Son Sun, recently reported that men with condoms stuck on the outside of their shirts were more potent and fertile than men who were more conservative, as deduced from their “wearing underwear over their trousers while catching the Tube.”

A spokesperson for the British Sluttistical Institute claimed that, by the yardstick of the More survey, most people in Britain have had sex with every other. The Secretary of the Institute, Mr. Bansi Lal, stated that the survey needed follow up to prove an exciting new hipothesis that “Indians in UK are the only Indians really getting laid.”

When questioned about the hipothesis being contradicted by the high birth rates in India, Mr. Lal said, “Arrey, that is because we are getting [bleep]ed by those Pakistani [bleep]ers!”

(Indian) Union Health Emperor Mr. Ambumani Ramadoss could not be contacted. His office said he is busy on a mission in the UK.

Ex-Home Minister Shivraj Patil was also unavailable, as he was busy generally [bleep]ing around.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-10-08

There will not be an issue of Humerus News next week.

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to a new survey by the Pew Social and Demographic Trends Project, more Americans would rather have more free time than money. If the economy continues slowing, their wish will be granted pretty soon. (Pedro Bartes)

The slowing U.S. economy has led to the most significant drop in illegal aliens coming in from Mexico since 9/11. Who knew that President Bush’s immigration policy revolved around starting a depression? (Jim Barach)

I was thinking about this, and I’m no political genius. I’m no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy. (David Letterman)

Jenna Bush gets married on Saturday. It’ll be a very small wedding. The president has only invited his supporters. (Alan Ray)

The U.S. government plans to help Iraq build a mega shopping complex in downtown Baghdad. Security will be a factor. It’ll bring new meaning to the phrase “shop ’til you drop.” (Alan Ray)

A new poll suggests that George W. Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, to what Bush said: “Number 1 baby, number 1!!!” (Pedro Bartes)

President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. (Conan O’Brien)

Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn’t do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

They’ve discovered a way to make a human being absolutely invisible. All you have to do is run for president as a Republican. (Patrick Gorse)

President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don’t want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can’t, of course, anymore. (Jay Leno)

Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn’t have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator. (Argus Hamilton)

Drake University has become the third college in the nation to offer a course in wind law, joining the University of Texas and the University of Oregon. It’s a prerequisite course. In order to study environmental law, you first have to pass wind. (Bob Mills)

The Yankees yesterday placed Alex Rodriguez on the disabled list. It’s actually the first time since 2000 that the third baseman has been inactive. Well, other than the playoffs. (Janice Hough)

President Bush’s popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends. (Jay Leno)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-03-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

On the alleged sexual affair with country singer Mindy McCready starting when she was 15 years old: “Apparently, Roger Clemens has been playing in the minors.” (Jay Leno)

This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night..(Pedro Bartes)

Prince William’s image may be hurt by his recent antics with a military helicopter. A rich young man born into privilege who is destined for the throne because of his bloodlines, who is not taking his stint in the military seriously? Thank goodness that could never happen here in America. (Jim Barach)

Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there’s Bill O’Reilly. (Craig Ferguson)

The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to their local gas station. (Jake Novak)

Boy, it is hard to keep up with all these crises we have in America. Remember last week, when everybody in America was obese? Remember that? This week there’s a food shortage. What happened over the weekend? Did we pig out and eat all the food? (Jay Leno)

The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it’s so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer’s point all along. (Argus Hamilton)

Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress. (Pedro Bartes)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-15-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you’ve got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you’ve got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. (Jay Leno)

I have heard that Eliot Spitzer engaged in some kinky things. When a reporter asked him what his favorite form of weird sex was with these professionals, he looked puzzled and replied “Beats me!” And supposedly, his wife tracked him to the hotel one night and called his room from the reception desk below. He said “I can’t talk to you now. I’m tied up at the moment.” (Charles Wukasch)

Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour. (Jay Leno)

Governor Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a call girl in a famous Washington D.C. hotel. It’s not unusual. The number of women who came over on the Mayflower will never equal the number of women who came across at the Mayflower. (Argus Hamilton)

A word has been added to the dictionary. Spitzer, n., a person who spits in other peoples’ faces only to have it blow back in his own. (Scott Witt)

Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don’t think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O. (Jay Leno)

Voters in two Vermont towns have called for the arrest of President Bush and Vice President Cheney should they ever visit. When President Bush was told the law was non-binding and symbolic, he said “Oh, you mean like the Constitution?” (Jim Barach)

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WTF NEWS OF THE DAY

From a Nature News Alert:

From the annals of insect biology comes a cautionary tale for those recovering from their post-New Year’s celebration: heavy boozing has been shown to send male fruitflies, like their human counterparts, into a lusty fog.

In the flies, hypersexuality caused by chronic alcohol exposure has the effect of making the males chase anything with wings — other males included.

Now, all very well, but why should flies get drunk, I ask? And why should a scientist get them drunk?
A fly being down is understandable, but now we need to change the English language:“My fly is up, honey. Let’s fly together!” to one’s lover, seeking redemption from sexual tension. Is anyone listening?

THE NEW HYPOCRITICAL OATH FOR DOCTORS

A bald Professor of the Laconic Medical University came to address a group of young doctors from various public and private hospitals in India who were having a lunch after a medical meeting on stents for heart disease.
“Greetings, my fellow brethren!”
Various voices rose from the audience.
“Arrey, dude! Why are you talking funny like?”
“Who are you, Mister?”

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The bald man rose to his full height.
“I am Hip. Hip O’Crates.”
“Hip? What a cool name!”
“Where are you from, Hip?”

“I am from Kos-sipore.”
“So, tell us, Doc-Hip, what are you doing here?”

“Gentlemen, I am here for a new project funded by the Bill Gates Foundation. I am heading a project codifying a new list of commandments for doctors. In essence, it will redefine how physicians will behave in the next thousand years.”

Again, several voices rose in repsonse.
“I thought a Code was something that was made into a movie.”
“And I thought a Code is something that women say when they ask a question to a man.”
“What is this new code, Hip?”

“Okay, gentlemen, I will discuss this with you in details. Let me spell out the important portions.
The first line goes like this: I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygeia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath.

“Hey, Hip! What did you smoke?”
“Saala, piyelaa hai!”
“Nahin re, yeda hai!”
“I work in Apollo, too, and I think they suck!”
“Panacea Biotech is a good company. They sponsored the lunch at the last Association meet, you know?!”

Hip O’Crates waved his hands to placate the young crowd.
“Look, er, guys, let me cut this out. Too confusing. Next:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents..

Another loud buzz flowed out from the group.
“ Treat my boss like my Dad, are you kidding me? Some of my Professors barely used to be sober in the day!”
“Yeah, and one of mine got slapped in the ward when he tried to gainfully palpate the buttocks of an intern!”

Hip O’Crates shuddered, and continued.
“ … and to live my life in partnership with him.”
A wisecrack: “ Provided he has a very pretty daughter!”
Laughter.

“… and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine.”
“ Very funny, what money?”
“I lost whatever I earned in the bars, gambling tables, and stock market,
re!”
More laughter.

“… and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage and to teach them this art – if they desire to learn it – without fee and covenant”
“ Teach your enemy what you know? Arrey, I will happily shave my head if my boss’ son became blind or lame! Bugger is undercutting my cases left and right, you know?!”

Hip was sweating now: “… to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no one else.”
A senior surgeon remarked, “My driver has been assisting me for so long that he does all my simple cases. Very reliable! This way, I can take time off to play the stock market, you know? Who can afford to miss out on this bull market, yaar?”

“ I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment”
“ What’s a diet?”
“What does diet matter to the modern doc? Unless it means supplements. The ones for which the company-wallahs took us for that Alaska trip last year? You went, na?”
, a thin man with a goatee asked his neighbor.

A little dizzy, Hip intoned,“ I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect.”
“Not even to Prakash Karat or Mamata?”
“Or even to the makers of movies like Welcome and Om Shanti Om?”


“ Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy.”

“Hey, man, Why are you Wadeing into a controversy that will only bring you eternal sore Roe?”

Hip: “ In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.”
“Make that guard my wife and my tax consultant!”
The audience was thoroughly enjoying this now.

“ I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.”
“Do you wanna starve, Hip?”
“Yeah, do you know that unless you operate on all the stones that would pass off spontaneously in the piss, or are harmless and asymptomatic, you can’t ever hope to make a Europe trip with spouse? Be practical, man!”

“I will remain free of sexual relations with both female and male persons”.
“Only if you are a vet! Haraharhar!”

“What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.”
Now a few voices again expressed outrage at his proposals.
“Hip, but if you don’t, what will you chat about in the parties and conferences? People won’t refer you cases if you are so boring!”
“And if you don’t keep dropping the names of the VIP patients you have treated, whether in real life or in your dreams, people won’t get impressed. And, you know, boss, if you don’t impress people, no one gives a rat’s rectum to your ability. It’s all marketing and packaging, you know?”

Hip continued, voice choking,
“ If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.”

“What…?”
“Hey, Hip, just reverse that and we will be fine, okay?”

Hip quickly realised his policy needed to change. He said,
“In other words, gentlemen, let me rephrase this new code:
I swear by all my sponsors that I will be careful of my teachers’ kids, especially if they are competitive. And I will live with my teacher if his daughter is good at oral sex.
I will rely on expensive nutritional supplements for the healthy and the sick, and I will deal with abortions according to the local laws, practise for profit the holy art of sex determination and female feticide.
I will get a confidentiality waiver from all my patients, and exploit each case to the utmost in my material self interest. I will, where possible, avoid inflating my statistics to the media beyond reasonable proportions.
I can show the photographs of any of my patients, but I will not circulate the nude pictures of the film actresses who I photograph in the nude while they are under anesthesia.
I will not have sexual relations with the pets or domesticated animals of my patients. I will, however, use all protective measures to prevent unwanted pregnancies during such encounters that are never shown in Animal Planet.
I will not do anything unethical. The definition of ethics will be shortly drafted by an Ethics Panel consisting of Bill Clinton, Jagdish Tytler, Mayavati, George Fernandes, Vladimir Putin, Hugo Chavez and Larry Craig.”

DEATH BY IMPOTENCE!

ED AND THE MALE WORLD

Erectile Dysfunction (ED), originally from the Latin Impotentia coeundi, is one of the major diseases of mankind, and can be loosely defined as an inability to achieve an erection for successful penetration.

In normal populations, the incidence of major Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is 5 to 20%. Even in the young, ED occurs in around 13%, according to a study on boys between 18 and 25 years. This is remarkable, because ED is known to be seen in older, not younger men, as a rule.

One of the most respected and cited studies on the epidemiology of erectile dysfunction is the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. The study showed that 52% of 1,290 men aged 40 to 70 years had some degree of dysfunction, and almost 10% had total absence of erectile function.

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A new article in The International Journal of Impotence Research has some interesting things to say, based on a large study on the sexual habits of more than four thousand men, both gay and straight.

Most men in the prime of their sexual lives (18 to 44 years) use no drugs for sex, while some do it for recreational use, and fewer because they need to use them medically.

The recreational use of ED drugs is increasing, and seems to have a negative effect. The study says that, on surveying the participants’ perceptions and self assessments after taking ED drugs, their confidence and performance suffered unless they took drugs again.

As lack of confidence in one’s ability to gain and hold erections has been identified as an important psychogenic risk factor for ED, the findings have important implications. Recreational users of ED medications may be vulnerable to becoming psychologically dependent on pharmacologically induced erection.

Therefore, the young kids out for a trip on Viagra are rooting for trouble!

WHO CARES ABOUT ED, A BORING MALE DISEASE?

ED is now more than an andrologist’s way of making bread. It is now a sentinel for a variety of diseases. What are they?

* ED may be the first symptom of coronary heart disease in a young man. In fact, ED is now considered a strong indicator of heart disease, with strong correlation as to severity. In other words, the more severe the heart disease, the greater the liability to be having ED. Men who have less than expected degree of erection, or have it only to lose it midway (lazy erections) are likely to have a cardiovascular cause of ED.

* ED may present in an undetected diabetic.

* It is seen in long-standing smokers, alcoholics (whiskey dick or brewers’ droop), and those with lipid disorders, prostatic diseases, etc.

* Evidence has linked hypertension to ED.

* Drugs used in the treatment of various diseases can also cause ED.

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IMPOTENCE IN INDIA

India has been called the country of unconsummated marriages because of the phenomenon of ‘honeymoon impotence’, when ED manifests on the first attempt. Impotence in India is mainly psychogenic, unlike the rest of the world, where three-fourths of cases are said to be due to organic, not psychological causes. Of course, once a man becomes impotent, he suffers enormous loss of confidence and self-image, leading to further performance anxiety. So the psychological overlay (no pun intended, for once) is also visible here.

HOW DOES ONE TREAT ED?

If you are a man facing ED, the sensible thing is not to hide it, but come out with it to a physician. Screening for hypertension, diabetes and heart disease will follow. Smoking should stop, as should excessive boozing.
Then what?
Based on what is wrong with the patient, the treatment is commenced.
Usually, drugs like Cialis (tadalafil) are the first line of treatment. Among the ED drugs, a lot has changed since Pfizer came out with Viagra. Leftist limpos: please note that Viagra was not invented by a Government pharma company.
Cialis (Tadalafil) is now a preferred drug for ED patients. It works for 36 hours, can be taken irrespective of food, and one does not need to time the drug intake with sex, thereby making for a better experience. In contrast, Viagra (sildenafil) works for only four hours and needs to be taken half an hour or so before sex.
In some cases, the doctor may advise the patient to inject a substance like papaverine or a prostaglandin (Alprostadil) into the penis just before sex. Rigidity is best achieved with injections.
In psychological cases (performance anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, etc.), counselling and appropriate treatment is advised.
Specific cases where the penis loses rigidity due to blood leaking from the veins respond well to vacuum suction devices.

SURGERY FOR IMPOTENCE?

In a small percentage of cases, where there is no response to any of the above, the andrologist might consider implants. These are devices that are implanted inside the penis (and partly in the scrotum). One device (essentially a semi-rigid rod of silicone with metal wires), called the AMS prosthesis, may lead to a permanent semi-erect state. In India, it costs around 60,000 rupees (around 1150 USD). A local version has been made by andrologist Rupin Shah and costs only Rs. 10,000 ($250). The better prostheses (e.g., the three-part inflatable AMS prosthesis) enable erection only during sex (on demand). A pump (implanted in the scrotum) needs to be activated to push in fluid inside an implant in the penis. The implant fills with water, and the penis becomes hard. This costs around Rs.220,000 ($5050).

One problem with the penile implant is that any infection is disastrous, leads to removal of the device, and permanent impotence. Hard luck!

It should also be remembered that any treatment of ED, like drugs or injections, may cause a persistent, painful, permanent state of erection, called priapism. This condition is an emergency.
Unless treated within four hours, it leads to permanent impotence.

To sum up, a man’s inability to achieve a satisfactory erection is not a laughing matter. It may be a sign of serious underlying disease which can eventually kill him.

Note: pictures are mine!

A SPASM OF TRUTH

POOJA

“I am married. I have a wonderful man as a husband. And two little beauties as kids. I am a wife and a mother”. For the uncountable-th time, Pooja spoke silently to her self. Not to herself, but to her self. A self she had not allowed to prevail over her values.
Pooja was what a college brat would have called a ‘one-piece’. As Indian a product as a reincarnating hero in a Hindi flick. She was unclear about God, but a value-driven middle class Indian woman. For her, loyalty, honesty, duty, responsibility and happiness were all one. There were no conflicts in her values. She was very clear about that. In her life, she was doing everything her conservative parents would have expected her to, and she was proud she was living up to their expectations.
A few years back, Pooja’s life had suddenly undergone a change. She had left her old, small town of Cuttack and moved on to the capital city of the Indian money and movie market, Mumbai. Here she had got married to Raja, a man who made wildlife documentaries for a living.
Busy with her working life (Pooja was a busy research fellow at a ‘me-too’ generic drug production lab) and with her unforgiving domestic pulls, she did not have time for frivolity, except when she was with her children.
She had many men looking her over every morning at work and in places she was seen, like the schools, the local restaurants and the markets. Men were taken by her incomplete beauty, and could not but keep staring at her honeyed eyes, trying to read some hope in them. Her body and her face had a common appeal, an unfailingly provoking femininity. However, she never encouraged a soul. Fidelity always figured high in her list of values.
One Tuesday, her boss called her over to his room. She would have to meet a Mr. Jay over lunch. Bummer, she thought. Jay was a representative of a US company intending to market the drug which Pooja was working on. “Just see that he has a clear idea of what we are looking to do in the coming year, so that they don’t have false expectations from us”, her boss, Dr. Krishnan, said.

MEETING JAY

Lunch was to be at the Hyatt, a hotel that had universal appeal for its hospitality and class.

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Pooja went over to the restaurant called M, expecting Mr. Jay to be a young, dashing American executive with ‘brand’ screaming from every accessory. She was shown to a lonely table where she found a middle aged man examining a glass of water. Jayendra Ramaswamy was Jay to most of his American colleagues, and indifferent to it. In fact, Jay seemed to be indifferent to most things on earth. People who knew him called him an impractical dreamer, one who would never give an immediate and practical solution to a burning problem. Instead, they would say, he would rubbish the whole concept or premise that had led to the problem being discussed and offer utopian solutions that would never be possible. However, he was a hard man to argue with across the table, and had remained steady at his job as Head, International Marketing.

“Hi, I am Pooja”.

“Hmmn. Jay. Hi.”

“I hope you didn’t have to wait too long?”

“Well, actually I did, but now I think it was worth it.”

Pooja could not respond. She was transfixed with the look on Jay’s eyes. Sharp, penetrating to the entrails, and, in one word, sexy. The man himself was not impressive to look at, with a wide stubble of recently shaved hair on his head, and rimless glasses on a largish, broad nose. But the moment he started talking, he created an image of a man who was too big for the present, a concept rather than a being. His words were crisp and witty, and there was an unplanned insolence about him that captivated Pooja. She realised quickly that she was trespassing her own set limits when she noticed herself leaning towards the table, getting enticed in the joyous network of Jay’s words.

Jay was smiling and saying, “All these truths are derivative truths, like the fact that this Fried Chicken carries 800 calories as the sum of its constituents, is covered up with egg batter, and will cause intense thirst an hour after this is eaten. However, the basic truth is that if this did not have the egg or the 800 calories in it, it would not be fit to be called a Fried Chicken. So, we might then ask, ‘what gave thirst: the chicken or the egg?’ “

THE THRILL OF TOGETHERNESS

As surreal as the lunch was, it opened up a new dimension to Pooja’s life. She swam willingly in the currents of her conscious attraction for Jay, and would spend hours each day talking to him, or texting him.
It was one of those ‘Art of Living’ type lectures that opened her eyes. It is all ‘Maya’, she heard the guru say: “Grasp the conscious, and shut the door of the imagination. Thereby you shut the door of temptation, and look through the window of duty, of love, of selflessness into the material world.”

Pooja tried, but failed to resist the charm of Jay’s utopia, his careless egoism, his nonchalant attitude towards how the world saw him. It seemed that he was clear and right about most things (though he was never righteous in his attitude), and did not give a damn to anyone who thought otherwise.

Over a period of time, it became clear that she loved him, and he seemed to know it, but he did not seem to want to capitalise on that.
“How could you not love me?”, his smile seemed to say. He did reciprocate at times, like when he held her hand while laughing at his own joke, or dropping his left hand briefly on her thigh while driving with his right.

THE PREDICTABLE TURMOIL

At home, Pooja found it difficult to reciprocate to her husband when he loved her, though she played her part without trying to excuse herself. The more she thought about it, the more impractical her situation seemed to get. She felt physical pain thinking of her love and the reality of her marriage with someone else. “No, this has to stop”, she told herself.

She consciously stopped calling him. He did not ask why. He did not violate the space she had created between herself and Jay. He seemed to have accepted her sudden turning back.
Pooja, since that day, gave every waking moment to her work and to her children, subduing that part of her that seemed to want nothing more than a few moments of laughter, a few minutes of that magic that encapsulated what she felt with Jay. Strong-willed that she was, she managed to crush her love, and focus on her family values.
Till tonight.

TONIGHT

She was alone at home, when Jay appeared at her door.
She remembered nothing else, except that it seemed that they closed all physical space between them in just a heartbeat.

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Jay said nothing. Neither did she. They simply kept the embrace on till they fell on the bed. She had never experienced such intensity in sexual intercourse. It was so much more than a physical orgasm. It was like a spiritual experience, a bhakti for her man, a love that washed out her long held values.
As she lay, clad in a thick layer of sweat, her pulse throbbing wildly, she had a flash of light, a realisation of her self, a nirvana. She was a fool not to have realised the value of her love, she thought.

“ I have wanted you since the time I saw you first. I can’t live my life without you. Don’t leave me, jaan”, she whispered out aloud.

“Uh, what, honey? I’ll never leave you!”, said Raja, her sated husband. Drained out at the unexpected pre-dawn sex , he lay over her, pleased to have made her happy, finally.

“MAKE MINE LARGE, PLEASE!”

Every now and then, I read some article that compels me to expose a small portion of my vast cerebral warehouse of useless information that has done me no good in life, except to increase my blog traffic. Here is an example of the above.
Acknowledgements: I have a deep feeling of gratitude to my close friend, Dr. Mahalingam, who has kindly provided me with the analysis.

bottle-opener.jpg

MEASUREMENT STUDIES

According to an Indian study published in The International Journal of Impotence Research:

Apprehension about the normal size of penis is a major concern for men. Aim of the present investigation is to estimate the penile length and circumference of Indian males and to compare the results with the data from other countries. Results will help in counseling the patients worried about the penile size and seeking penis enlargement surgery. Penile length in flaccid and stretched conditions and circumference were measured in a group of 301 physically normal men. Erected length and circumference were measured for 93 subjects. Mean flaccid length was found to be 8.21 cm, mean stretched length 10.88 cm and circumference 9.14 cm. Mean erected length was found to be 13.01 cm and erected circumference was 11.46 cm. Penile dimensions are found to be correlated with anthropometric parameters. Insight into the normative data of penile size of Indian males obtained. There are significant differences in the mean penile length and circumference of Indian sample compared to the data reported from other countries. Study need to be continued with a large sample to establish a normative data applicable to the general population. (sic)

Of course, if more such studies are held in India, many unemployed men will volunteer regularly and get paid for an erection (an irresistible and lucrative concept). Such studies will then be condemned for phallacious sampling error.

I do not have the full access to this article (my subscribing to this particular journal would be suspicious, would it not?), and would need to spend $30 on it. I know that the day is not far when $30 would be like the same number in Indian rupees, but I skipped it. The day you guys and gals pay me to read this blog, I will buy all Nature subscriptions.

[As an aside, if you hear someone say modestly, “Oh, I am just an average Joe”, you can assume he has measured himself in erecto flagrante to be 13 cms and possibly forgotten that there was a decimal between the 1 and the 3. In case this pertains to any of your blog intros, you know what to edit.]

What, then, has this study accomplished? For one, it got the authors the attention of a world (in)famous blogger, and raised the bar, so to speak, for others to measure up to.

Is there really some truth in the study that Indian organs are smaller than other international brands? In the 2001 Gomez study, the average erect penis length of adult men worldwide read: United States 12.9 cm, France 16 cm, Italy 15 cm, Germany 14.48 cm, Japan 13.0 cm, Saudi Arabia 12.4 cm, Brazil 12.4 cm, India 10.2 cm and South Korea 9.6 cm.

Indian or, at least, Keralite men now seem to be in the same league of nations, and this should be some comfort to the citizens of this beleaguered nation.

Measurement studies have some inherent problems:
* Those who measure themselves and report the numbers have always given more generous figures than those who have been measured by others.
* The best way to measure erect penile length is by injecting papaverine into the spongy tissue of the penis. Many studies have not done so.
* The ambience in which the study has been conducted has a bearing on the results, as full erection would be unlikely when the candidate is uncomfortable or shy.
For these reasons, several studies have had low scientific value.

MYTHS:

* Demographically, the concept that African men have longer penises is said to be a myth.

* There is no relation between your nose or hand and your penis size. I mean this if said body parts are not in anatomical contiguity or continuity.

* There is weak statistical correlation between shoe size and Junior’s size (who would have thought of this?). It is said that the penis and limb development both stem from the COX HOX gene, and so they are related. “Grief! Now they measure penis size in feet?” I thought, alarmed. A recent study, thankfully, contradicted this hypothesis.

*Longer is better: not so, unless you a) belong to Sex and the City, b) are a pretty size queen, or c) are gay (not always). Women prefer thicker organs, which lead to more clitoral stimulation. That said, there is a definite role for the stimulation of the cervix or the vaginal fornices (the T or A Spots) in some women in achieving orgasm. In these women, a longer penis would be more full filling.

FEELING SMALL?

A penis less than seven centimeters (stretching just over two inches) that is otherwise normal is called a micropenis. Some of these men may benefit from those dreadful growth hormone brands whose vendors are priority customers of your Spam Folder.
The penis size may be lengthened by phalloplasty operations that divide the deep ligaments attaching the organ to the pubic bones and add another two to three centimeters to it.
Silicone or PMMA injections may increase penile girth up to 900% and may be the secret behind the magnificent endowment of male porn stars.

However, apparently, there is no opposite disease of excess!