Category Archives: sexes

THE ADONIS EFFECT

(A note: My absence from blogging has to do with my writing having gone indefinitely to the dogs. I dedicate this post to Gauri, who has no compunctions declaring her poor taste in public. After writing this, I feel a longer break from blogging (like a permanent one) would do wonders to my writing. Like killing it mercifully and sparing my long suffering readers.)

With my six pack abs threatening to break out any time now (definitely before we see another Communist Chief Minister for West Bengal), I am in imminent and eminent danger of getting kidnapped by some amorous babe.
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Why do I think so, you ask, with an incredulous look crossing your pie-face?
Well, for one, Nature is telling me that. The street dogs that are chasing me these days are all female. I have ways to tell that, and I am not telling. Some incredibly attractive and slim chicks recently propositioned me on Southern Avenue during some of my evening walks, but I heard later that they were all shemale prostitutes. Sigh, what is this world coming to?
And this Italian gymnast: did I tell you about her?
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This Italiano was all gaga over me, mamma mia, and even made a CD for me, professing her eternal love. Included were pictures of her in positions that can politely be referred to as contortionately promising (or compromisingly torsionate, whatever). I, to my internal regret, rejected this cd rom-antic proposition. If you looked at her postures you would think she would never break a bone because of a singular lack of visible osseous tissue, but this rejection surprisingly broke her heart.
This led me to mull over why women find certain men irresistible, and I have found some factors, based on several randomised double-blind* trials (and tribulations).
*both parties in love being blind.

1. Clean navel: I have a sinking feeling that this is a mandatory requirement in the days when women don’t think twice before drifting caudally in their own pleasure seeking trails. A tatooed belly button would take you to new depths of a relationship, surely.
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Even collected lint looks distinctly better in the dark when offset in the backdrop of a splendid tatoo. Not to talk of the taste: not Lindt, at any rate!

2. Seat, not suit: You think the ladies feel a thrill learning how much you splurged on yourself for that striped suit that looks like the ones prisoners proudly wear to the marriage party when their jailor’s ugly and visibly pregnant daughter gets packed off to one of them (always keep your sentences short and clear, as well)? Women want to see you buy things for them, not for yourself. Also, they prefer to see some stuffing in the body part where men land when they have disputes in public beer bars. Such stuffing, apart from arousing some romantic notions of horse-borne knights, also reassure them that the prospective victim is of reasonable physical and financial well-being.

3. The Collar of Money: Wear a crisp shirt, but if your collar lacks the stiffness outstandingly evident in the Aussie upper lip post the non-racist diurnal attacks on Indian students, your appeal will not be sticking its neck out for attention. And if you think the ‘Collar of Money’ is green, you must be an Oriya.

4. Waist not, want not: It is a common sight to see a man with a bulging waist strung together by a strip of leather. Now, this will just not do, unless your woman is similarly predisposed, with the rewards of a thousand desserts tucked under the petticoat. Slim is in, in more ways than you can reckon.

5. Inwaist wisely: Now that the bulls are on the ramp-age, you have to know more about the correct inwaistment.
When I was more younger, I was taught that women like a bulge above the waist line. I spent the better part of my youth pursuing ways to buttress my aging middle. It was only much later that I realised that the required bulging had to be below the waist line. I tried carrying a lot of visiting cards in my wallet to create the effect before I actually understood the exact location of the prescribed prominence (I know, finally, why my hydrocele patients often sport nice looking wives).
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Now, in my advisory capacity of Master of Love Affairs (MLA), I do better. After all, a Master better. Do better. You know what I mean.

6. Tie Tonic: If you want to attract a girl with a sense of humor, all you need to do is to wear your best ties
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and look for the one sinking on the floor, hysterically pointing fingers at you and choking on her words. Trust me, this kind of girl (and you may find many) will talk to you when you approach her.
7. Pocket Appeal: Keep at least three pens in your shirt pocket.
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At least one of them should have a torch or camera in it, and should stand out in prominence. This is primal body signal to available women that you have a large pen. You know, a large pen is always useful.
Though it may dig a hole in your pocket sometimes.

8. Check Mate: Wearing large multi-colored checks on your shirt is a clear signal that you are looking for a check-mate in life with your Queen. It is a different thing that the girl may be looking for a different kind of check from her mate, or she may actually be a different kind of Queen.

9. Sole-mate: If you can’t meet her expectations of being a check mate, at least wear large shoes. So that when you open them, she can see that they are very large.
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Chances are she thinks other parts of you are comparably large. If she is bitterly disappointed later on, tell her to “lump it“, or “go sue, Sue!” If you are one of those awesome lispers, chances are you won’t be missunderstood.
10. You tell us: what thing in a man turns him into an Adonis in your eyes?

(pictures from Google Images. Credits missed this time, sorry.)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-30-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday. (Bill Maher)

We had another earthquake the other night. You know, California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government. (Jay Leno)

Republicans will ask what Sonia Sotomayor wants done about Roe Versus Wade expecting her to say, “Any which way they can get across the border, row or wade? ” (Gil Stern)

Somehow Michael Phelps seems to have developed a pot belly. (Jeff Funnekotter)

Okay, which will close first –Guantanamo or GM? (Gil Stern)

The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson. (Alex Kaseberg)

Good thing it wasn’t October, or A-Rod wouldn’t get to first base. (Cam Hutchinson)

This week, a woman in Texas admitted she cheated with a guy so soon after having sex with her husband that she had twins by two different fathers. And all I can say is, “Damn, that John Edwards is good!” (Bill Moher)

Helio Castroneves breezing to victory in Sunday’s Indy 500 was hardly even taxed. (Gary Loewen)

A report says that U.S. students are lagging in biosciences. That’s hard to believe when we have so many teachers who will go the extra distance to teach their students about biology first hand. (Jim Barach)

A teenager from Germany who auctioned her virginity on the internet for $14,000. was notified she must pay half in taxes. Apparently in Germany virginity goes for fifty cents on the dollar. (Bill Williams)

Cheney again spoke on TV. What is it about vice presidents that makes ’em talk too much? Don’t ask Joe Biden, he’ll tell us over and over again! (Gil Stern)

When Dick Cheney was vice president, he didn’t say two words, now he can’t shut up, he’s talking more after being vice president. Can you imagine if this happens to Joe Biden? We’d have to shoot him. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wayne Allwine, who was the voice of Mickey Mouse since 1977 has died at 62. Apparently the role will be taken over by Manny Ramirez, which explains all the female hormones he was caught taking. (Jim Barach)

California lawmakers proposed adding a two-dollar tax on cigarettes Tuesday. The U. S. may add three dollars a pack. Cigarettes are so valuable that pretty soon people will be using dollars for currency inside prisons and cigarettes for currency outside. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-09-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and from the very best seats:
Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks at Yankee Stadium, cost for just the tickets, $5,000.
Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles. (Phil Mushnick)

Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America didn’t really exist. We’re just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled the government. (Argus Hamilton)

It was a gloomy weekend for Republicans. In the Senate they faced the specter of Specter while Obama sought a suitor to replace Souter. (Pat Costa)

The Catholic Church is encouraging the use of Twitter to send prayers. This new technology is changing liturgy. “Our Father who art in heaven” is now replaced with “OMG.” (Alan Ray)

Drug manufacturers have dumped 271 million pounds of pharmaceuticals into waterways that serve as drinking water. Turns out Michael Phelps was getting higher swimming in the pool water than he was when he was using the bong. (Jerry Perisho)

The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that it took him 10 times longer to pick a dog? (Craig Ferguson)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be time to study the legalization of marijuana. Actually, recent polls of Californians show most people support such legalization. I guess they feel that it’s high time. (Janice Hough)

Just a day after saying he wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road. Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman. (Janice Hough)

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, he was striking out pretty often… in bed. (Pedro Bartes)

Russia insists it has no plans to step up its military presence in the Arctic. Sending troops up to the North Pole can only mean it could be the start of another Cold War. (Jim Barach)

Porsche has unveiled its first four door sedan. It’s for the man who is having his mid-life crisis but just can’t quite yet afford to abandon his wife and kids. (Jim Barach)

Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing teams to the pitch that was coming. He’s now had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron’s record but nobody ever thought he’d break Bill Clinton’s. (Argus Hamilton)

I hear that President Obama called the IRS to see which tax evader he could nominate for the U. S. Supreme Court. (Bob Holzer)

Fox is already cowering down to the President– In response to President Obama’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air ” America ‘s Most Wanted” TWICE a week. (M. Hennigan)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-02-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Not so very long ago we were all told that a black man would be President when pigs fly. On the 100 day of Barack Obama’s Presidency… swine flu! (Author Unknown)

Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget? (Jay Leno)

They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico. (David Letterman)

Americans are becoming more optimistic about the nation’s economy, a new survey showed Wednesday. This explains why Fox News didn’t carry the Obama news conference. No need to alarm Republicans. (Joe Hickman)

I’m glad you’re all in a good mood, but I’m a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City. (Jay Leno)

With the new tax, cigarettes now cost $10 a pack in New York. Cigarettes are so expensive, second-hand smoke has been renamed “pre-owned” smoke. (Bill Williams)

No matter how bad your job is, remember: You are not the Mexican Minister of Tourism. (Will Durst)

I had a rough day yesterday with this swine flu business. I walked into my bank wearing a mask — it was all downhill from there. (Jeff Showell)

Hollywood is working on a new movie about Chrysler: “Chitty Chitty Bankrupt.” (Jake Novak)

Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I’m not sure what to do this year. I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm. (Jay Leno)

A Chicago cemetery unveiling a Wrigley-themed mausoleum. Can you imagine, if the Cubs ever break their current one-century slump, everybody rolling over at once? Best guess is it would spark the mother of all urned runs. (Steve Schrader)

The home runs are flying out of the new Yankee Stadium, to give you an idea, ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer could score there without hiring a hooker. (Alex Kaseberg)

Miss California Pageant officials admitted Thursday that they paid for breast implants for Miss California Carrie Prejean to help her win the Miss USA pageant. Their little plan backfired. Just her luck, she got a gay judge who only looked at her shoes. (Argus Hamilton)

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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-11-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

How many miss the good old days, when America was just morally bankrupt? (Gil Ross)

One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down, on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay? (Jay Leno)

London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese communists are now the capitalists, France’s president is Hungarian, the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards. (Argus Hamilton)

A seismologist said that his warning of the quake in Italy was removed from the internet. Officials said his warning was based on shaky research. (Robert Stupple)

Plaxico Burress, released by Giants, awaits next shot with another team. (Dwight Perry)

President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute monarchy she’s got first claim on the job. (Argus Hamilton)

Washington State’s execution team has resigned. Apparently they heard that the economy was going to cause a lot of heads to roll. (Jim Barach)
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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-04-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? (Jay Leno)

Ruth Madoff is now accusing Bernie Madoff of having an extra-marital affair. Like Bernie wasn’t screwing enough people before. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama is in London but he is still following his Final Four – Chase, Wells Fargo, JP Morgan and Bank of America. (Janice Hough)

MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their network. If it works, Fox News said they’ll start doing actual news again. (Craig Ferguson)

Researchers at the University of Westminster in England have developed a simple and convenient way of screening for STDs which involves sending a used tampon through the mail. The company said they might start testing this for free with some women… no strings attache (Pedro Bartes)

Last night, the audience was as quiet as a General Motors showroom. (David Letterman)

The Senate is reviewing how college picks the number one team. Thank goodness they finally have the economy back on track and the war in Iraq under control. (Jim Barach)

In a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn’t find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She’s not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn’t find anybody to pray with either. (Jay Leno)

One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down, on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)

The average American now works to support one spouse, three kids, four banks and two car companies. (Sid Knowles)

China says it wants to replace the U. S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard. (Jay Leno)

The Senate Judiciary Committee plans to hold hearings on the Bowl Championship Series in college football. They want to probe anti-trust violations. When the BCS installed a Microsoft operating system in their computer they were just asking for it. (Argus Hamilton)
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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-28-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here’s what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They’ll screw up the place in six months. Six months! (Jay Leno)

There is a heavyweight boxing contender named Christobal Arreola. And contender is no titular title, this Arreola is no boob, he is quite a knocker in the ring, but we will keep you abreast of Arreola’s progress. (Alex Kaseberg)

Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven’t paid them yet. (Jay Leno)

President Obama told reporters Tuesday that his budget will build a foundation for economic recovery. He warned it could get worse before it gets better. Things are so tough that even people not in Obama’s administration aren’t paying their taxes. (Argus Hamilton)

Special Relationship starring Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Julianne Moore as Hillary begins filming in July about the Lewinsky scandal. It faces delays. The producers want to audition two hundred more actresses for the role of Monica Lewinsky. (Argus Hamilton)

A local high school student explained global warming was due to the extra hour of daily sunshine due to daylight savings time. (Stan Kegel)

At a newsconference last night, President Obama promised to reduce the deficit by borrowing another two trillion dollars. Looks like someone at the White House forgot to lay off President Bush’s speechwriters. (Jake Novak)

Yankee Stadium is being sold, everything must go. Madonna wants to buy home plate. It’s for old time’s sake because everybody on the Yankees has scored with Madonna. (Jerry Perisho)

Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is back in front of the TV cameras to talk about the AIG scandal. It is very appropriate, if you think about it. Who is better to talk about screwing people than Eliot Spitzer. (Pedro Bartes)

The ex-wife of former corporate CEO George David is asking for a divorce settlement of $53,000 a week. She says she isn’t asking for alimony. Just call it her end-of-marriage bonus. (Jim Barach)

In his upcoming tell-all book, Bob Barker says he once seriously considered an offer to appear in porn movies. But, oral sex just isn’t the same when someone keeps yelling, “Come on down!” (Jerry Perisho)

President Obama on Sunday proposed a cap on executive salaries in all publicly traded corporations in the United States. This idea will never make it through Congress. All the executives have to do is tell Barney Frank that they won’t be able to afford to make campaign contributions and the salary cap will die in committee. (Argus Hamilton)

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