WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-13-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

An extra second will be added on at the end of the year so that we can stay in sync with atomic time. Wow, even the clocks need a bailout. (Tim Hunter)

Don’t you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt. (Jay Leno)

Wow, was it cold yesterday here in New York. I mean frigid. Ladies and gentlemen, it was so cold Plaxico Burress was packing two heaters in his pants. (Marc Ragovin)

Illinois Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday for trying to sell a seat in the Illinois Senate. He could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. (Conan O’Brien)

At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. (David Letterman)

Don’t you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they’ll give her all the money. (Jay Leno)

President-elect Obama says Governor Blagojevich should resign. Or, as Blagojevich would call it, “have a going out of business sale.” (Todd Long)

Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what, Illinois is getting a new governor. (David Letterman)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested and charged with trying to sell the Senate seat formerly held by Barack Obama. The voters of Illinois are shocked. Thousands of them rolled over in their graves. (Patrick Gorse)

I’m trying to figure out what to buy my dad for Christmas. It’s between a subscription to Sports Illustrated or an Illinois Senate Seat. (Tim Hunter)

In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton is lobbying for the role of Tinkerbell in a new Peter Pan movie. Is that a good idea? When Tinkerbell drinks the poison and Peter Pan pleads for everyone to believe in her to save her, I’m pretty sure Paris would be, well, screwed. (Alex Kaseberg)

O. J. Simpson was sent to prison for armed robbery Friday. Thirty-two years ago, O.J. was voted Most Admired Man in America. It stood as the biggest mistake in judgment Americans ever made right up to the day George W. Bush was sworn in as president. (Argus Hamilton)

You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole.(David Letterman)

The White House Christmas tree has 25,000 lights on it. When they first turned it on, it had 26,000 lights. But Dick Cheney shot out a thousand of them. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

There’s been another legal effort to force state officials to produce a copy of Obama’s birth certificate. Apparently, some people believe he was born in Indonesia, which is ridiculous because we all know he was born in Jerusalem. (Pedro Bartes)

SAVING THE TERRORIST

I have been in Mumbai in the situation it finds itself in at present. I have been in the forefront of a disaster management team (to flatter a rag-tag army of residents, nurses, ward-boys and Superintendents in a Hospital) when the Babri Masjid riots took place in 1992, and, not much later, when the Bombay Stock Exchange and Air India were blown up.

I saw from close quarters how barbaric people can be in the headwinds of the irrationality of collectivism (often religion). I am talking of general wholesale slaughter of any person of a community if he made the mistake of being seen. It cut both ways, and this was doubly unfortunate during the Babri Masjid riots.

I wonder, upon learning that the poor little innocent boy who shot a few people in the railway station (the name changed from Victoria Terminus to the more elegant-sounding and hip CST), wants to live. Poor baby! How can you not want to?
I was thinking if I were the surgeon operating on him (assuming he had major gunshot wounds-which he had not), wouldn’t I have been tempted to let my knife slip near a major vessel and see some major bleeding, thereby causing, if not death, definitely major morbidity?

I would well be tempted, truth to tell. I would have controlled my temptation by telling myself, “He is precious to the country for what secrets he will reveal and your job is to heal, not to kill”. A moment after I think this, I am reminded of the Afzal Mahmoods of the world who got escorted and released by a rat-faced Indian Foreign Minister when Taliban terrorists hijacked an Indian plane to Kandahar.

I am happy I am not treating this dear little kid. I would have actually wrung his neck with my bare hands. Forget the knife (I cannot commit surgical murder-for that I expect to be paid), but with my bare hands, I would have loved to pinch his jugulars and lovingly choke his larynx. A ‘thank you for visiting India’ on behalf of the hundreds of people killed and maimed by him and his friends.

Nevertheless, I wonder: “What is the duty of a doctor to the enemy in times of war?”
I know the textbook answer. I am not sure how real it is. Especially in this kind of war.

IS BIN LADEN DEAD?

On yet another anniversary of the epochal 9/11 attack by the al Qaida, it is time to take stock of the multi-billion dollar war on terror.
The first and foremost question to be answered is: Why has Bin Laden not been killed or captured? Where is he?
The answer is clearly difficult. It is guessed that he is in the North West Frontier of Pakistan. He is clever: not only does he not use telephones or other devices that could allow him to be tracked, but also has a very loyal close circle who have not yet betrayed him in spite of the bounty offered for information about him.
The area where he is likely to be living is not easy in terms of intelligence-based tracking operations. To the Americans, most bearded tribals of the region would look similar from a distance, I have no doubt. Over and above that, there is no good intelligence that is paying off.
A recent spurt of American attacks in Pakistan, including the Waziristan region, based on a combination of human and satellite intelligence, has resulted in the deaths of the wives and children of the terrorists, and has precipitated a crisis with the Pakistani army. Similar tactics have been more successful in Iraq, if reports are to be believed.
So, back to the question: is bin Laden alive?
It is inconceivable that Laden is alive without medical care, suffering as he is from advanced kidney disease. His medical care could not be available without the connivance of the local Pakistani authorities. Therefore, if he is alive, it is unlikely that he will be found, as he would be protected by the Establishment (read ISI). If he is dead, we will soon know. In a day or two, a video showing the al Qaida leader should be telecast from al Jazeera. If it doesn’t come through, chances are he is dead.
Even if he is alive, it is possible that he may not be found till he (and many of us) is an old man. History repeats itself, from the time of the Nazis till the recent arrest of Radovan Karadzic.
The worst scoundrels always seem to escape for the longest time.
For an interesting discussion on this subject at the Washington post, click here.
Read my previous posts Harry Potter and the Cave of Osama and Bin Laden is Dyeing!.

EBOLA-RE BOLA-RE

Ebola is a dreaded name. It is a deadly virus that kills virtually all it infects. It is seen mostly in Africa. The danger of Ebola to the world is because of the real threat of it being used as an agent of bioterror, as I have mentioned in my Foolitzer-winning article on Bioterrorism that appeared in The New York Times an Indian newspaper. In the said article, I reported on the possibility of scientists within terror groups hiding a deadly virus within a benign bacterium which, when treated with antibiotics, would release the virus and cause a highly infectious and lethal disease that could decimate society:

Recently, Popov has talked about an experiment in synthetic biology that fuses plague and Ebola virus. The scientific premise of this Soviet research is to hide a deadly virus particle inside the genome of a more innocuous bacterium.
In this case, infection in the test subject would result in plague like symptoms. Once the treatment (usually tetracycline) for the plague is given, the virus is expressed fully. It is feared that the resultant walking ‘Ebola bombs’ could devastate populations. Ebola, if you didn’t know, has an almost cent percent mortality in man.

Scientists have launched a major attack on the disease by successfully testing a vaccine against Ebola in primates. Human trials are awaited. To read about the challenges of producing an Ebola vaccine, read this interesting and short report.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial. (Jay Leno)

According to a research, a big number of Americans are still reluctant to vote for minorities, which is bad news for blacks, women and Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes’ blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people. (Argus Hamilton)

Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It’s not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said. (Argus Hamilton)

What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph Nader. That’s the only one there. (Jay Leno)

Well, you know who’s thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John McCain. He’s not the oldest guy anymore. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama was accused of plagiarizing words from another politician. He says it’s no big deal, that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and that in four score and seven years from now, who will remember? (Jim Barach)

President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession. (Andy Borowitz)

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There’s no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it’s Dallas, what could happen? (Argus Hamilton)

Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of: John McCain. (Jay Leno)

Several states are investigating Bud and Miller Brewing for caffeinated alcohol products. Apparently the drinks keep you just awake enough to get in your car and drive while drunk. (Jim Barach)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-16-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It is always surprising how astute some politicians can be in assessing the political climate. This can be best demonstrated by Newt Gingrich’s amazingly accurate public prediction several months ago that, “John McCain has as much chance of winning the Republican nomination as the Giants have of winning the Super Bowl.” (Gill Ross & Stan Kegel)

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn’t get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich. (Jay Leno)

The Westminster Dog Show is tonight. Did you know the most popular dog this election year is named for the candidates as well the election? It’s the combination Bullmastif and Shih Tzu, that’s right: the Bull Shih Tzu. (Alex Kaseberg)

Senate Republicans blocked a bid by Democrats to add $44 billion in the stimulus package to help the elderly. Another sign Republicans hate John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful. (Jay Leno)

Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens testified in a Congressional hearing today on his alleged use of steroids. He stated, “No one gave me shots anywhere on my body — no ifs, no ands, no butts.” (Jim Ertner)

Valentine’s Day chocolates are like congressmen — smooth outside, nuts inside. (Joe Hickman)

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton (Pedro Bartes)

Shaquille O’Neal started practicing Monday with his new team, the Phoenix Suns. His legend precedes him. Shaquille O’Neal’s arrival in Phoenix with Valentine’s Day approaching reminds us all that love is grand, and divorce is a hundred grand a month. (Argus Hamilton)

Ron Paul says Republicans are acting “Too much like Democrats”. Which means they are actually starting to lose elections. (Jim Barach)

The US is preparing to shoot down one of its own satellites that is falling to Earth. When will this shot be heard around the world? I guess we’ll have to wait and read about it in the newspaper’s orbit-uary page. (Gary Hallock)

According to a British Tabloid, Heather Mills cheated on Paul McCartney for six month with a secret lover. Apparently, Heather had a leg on both relationships. (Pedro Bartes)

Man it is cold back East. It was so cold in Washington, Roger Clemens had to lie to congress about never having injected anti-freeze into his butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-29-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Mitt Romney’s tried to run a perfect campaign. Looks like he’s been dipped in a polyurethane bath. Flip-flopped so much he’s in danger of triggering a Stage Four John Kerry Alert. His campaign ads should close with “I’m Mitt Romney, and I both approve and disapprove of this ad.” (Will Durst)

“Charlie Wilson’s War” got rave reviews as a comedy set during the Cold War. The world was safer then. During the Cold War, world peace depended on the balance of power between the U.S. and Russia, while today it depends on the president’s blood sugar level. (Argus Hamilton)

Jamie Lynn Spears’ 19 year old boyfriend may be charged with felony carnal knowledge of a minor. Spears and her boyfriend both live In Louisiana, where sex is against the law with anyone under 17. Unless they are a blood relative. (Jim Barach)

A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from liposuctioned fat could be used to increase women’s breast size without the use of implants. Today Bill Clinton called for a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research. (Gary Bachman)

Rupert Murdoch, who is about to take over Dow Jones, has told the staff he expects big things and will no longer allow the Dow Jones 30 Industrials to be just average. (Scott Witt)

Voters in Iowa got a short break from the presidential candidates over Christmas. Explains why the state legislature is proposing a bill to proclaim everyday Christmas. (Bob Hirschfeld)

Officials at the U.S. State Department are trying to bring calm to Pakistan… but so far all they can offer is the Patriots-Giants game on free TV. (Jake Novak)

Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman in the Gallup Poll Wednesday ahead of Oprah and Queen Elizabeth. It doesn’t mean she’ll be president. If people told pollsters the truth, Britney Spears would have won this award for the last five years. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton’s mother Kathy is auctioning off celebrity items on eBay to raise money for charity. The auction items include several pair of Paris’ jeans. They are popular because they are so easy to get into. (Jim Barach)

Russian President Vladimir Putin was chosen as Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”. Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who has no regard for civil rights, Gore said “Been there.” (Jim Barach)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-22-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The major issues in the upcoming presidential primaries is now clear. For the Democratic candidates, it is who has the support of the best entertainment celebrity, while for the Republicans, it is who has the support of God. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush said Monday the U. S. economy is safe and sound. And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war against recession. Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children. (Joe Hickman)

‘Tis the season for Middle East peace talks. Unfortunately, everybody wants to make the other guy sleep in the stable. (Joe Hickman)

If I had to sum up our overly-entitled and lowered-standards society in one sentence it would be: Madonna is being inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Alex Kaseberg)

Ron Paul set an all-time record Sunday for the most money raised in one day by a presidential candidate with a six-million-dollar haul. It’s unprecedented. It’s the only record to be broken all year without the help of performance-enhancing drugs. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Lieberman has endorsed John McCain for president. Of course, the Connecticut senator is from a different faith than others in Washington. He is bipartisan. (Alan Ray)

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Paris-Hilton-sex-video-partner Rick Salomon, two months after tying the knot. Gosh, if those two down-to-earth, stable kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have? (Alex Kaseberg)

Lynne Spears, Britney & Jamie Lee’s mother, had her book on parenting put on hold. The publisher decided it would be a safer bet to go with Lindsay Lohan’s book on safe driving. (Alex Kaseberg)

Die-hard Dallas Cowboy fans are blaming Tony Romo’s poor performance in their 10-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Romo’s squeeze, Jessica Simpson. That is silly. The only way Jessica could lose a game for the Cowboys was if Jessica tallied-up the official score. Let’s face it, if having wild sex with a hot blonde made you play really lousy football, than that would mean the Oakland Raiders are dating Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)

Fred Thompson told Republicans Tuesday he wants to be the horse they ride to the White House. He said they just need to saddle him up. It’s ad-libbing like this that makes the Writers Guild feel like they’ve got the upper hand in the strike talks. (Argus Hamilton)

American men are named the fourth-worst lovers in the world. Mostly because we still prefer to make war not love. (Pedro Bartes)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-08-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

According to the latest numbers, our country’s national debt is growing by $1 million every minute. The Bush administration called its best economists and came up with a solution to save money: A 23-hour day. (Pedro Bartes)

December 7 is Pearl Harbor Day. Senator Ted Kennedy always commemorates the occasion in a fitting way. He goes out and gets bombed. (Alan Ray)

A man who claimed to have a bomb strapped to his chest, took hostages at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters in New Hampshire and demanded to talk to Senator Clinton. This was the scariest time for Hillary since the night Bill mistakenly took Viagra instead of Lipitor. (Alex Kaseberg)

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 G. O.P. presidential race, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate. “This could be huge for Huckabee,” said Stenson Partridge, a veteran G. O.P. consultant. “Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.” The Reverend Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said “I talked to Jesus last night and He didn’t mention anything about it.” (Andy Borowitz)

Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection for both his wife and his mistress seven years ago. He was sleeping with two women while recovering from prostate surgery. The Mitchell Report is expected to name sixty-four ballplayers and one mayor. (Argus Hamilton)

Porn star Mary Carey, who ran for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger, is auctioning off her autographed, recently removed breast implants. It is not an uncommon idea; boobs in politics have been on sale for years in congress, ask lobbyists… (Pedro Bartes)

Ted Kennedy has signed a deal to write his autobiography. Although Kennedy is a little sensitive about including the word “auto” in his “biography”. (Jim Barach)

The Pope, is purging all modern music from the Vatican. The Pope is especially adamant that the priests give up their two favorite bands Boyz II Men and the Backstreet Boys. (Alex Kaseberg)

Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama during her speech in Iowa. The frontrunner is fading, the challenger can’t win, and the guys with all the talent can’t get any votes. This isn’t a presidential race, it’s the college football rankings. (Argus Hamilton)

On a feral cat which survived 19 days with its head stuck in a jar: That’s nothing. President Bush has survived living in a bubble since 2004. (Pedro Bartes)

New Jersey is preparing to scrap the death penalty next week. It makes sense, they’ve been outsourcing the death penalty to the private sector for years. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears again tops the list of the most frequent searches on Yahoo, but it’s not because she’s popular — it’s just that the confused performer keeps trying to find herself. (Scott Witt)

The government in Brazil is putting condom dispensing machines in public school restrooms to combat AIDS. If it works, it may be tried in the U.S., only they will be placed in the teachers’ lounge. (Jim Barach)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-01-07

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Washington D. C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease of any city in the United States. The government is clearly to blame. You can’t screw that many taxpayers each day and not catch something. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush left town Thursday for Christmas vacation. Of course, it’s a working vacation. He’ll have to write Santa Claus and encourage him to stay the course even though North Pole funding for Elf & Reindeer Health Care has been cut drastically. And just when Rudolph needs a nose transplant.It’ll cost a fortune… there are so few red nose donors. (Joe Hickman)

Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe has been approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” Absinthe was the liquor of choice among 19th century French Bohemians and is widely believed to have been a major contributor to Vincent Van Gogh’s decision to lop off his ear. However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Bob Mills)

Man it was raining hard in Los Angeles. How rainy was it? It was so rainy Lindsay Lohan was arrested for driving her row boat under the influence. It was so rainy, Britney Spears had to put on her Burberry panties. It was so rainy even Paris Hilton was smart enough to come in out of the rain. (Alex Kaseberg)

Huge crowds jammed malls and stores on Black Friday. It’s not clear if the lines were filled by shoppers or foreclosed Americans looking to get out of the cold. (Jake Novak)

Stephen King told Nightline that if the Bush administration didn’t think waterboarding was torture, they should waterboard Jenna Bush. Jenna said that she has been waterboarded several times in the past, mostly at friend’s parties with beer bongs. (Pedro Bartes)

Detroit has been named the US’s most dangerous city; to which the city of Trenton, New Jersey cried as one: “Wait ’til next year.” (Alex Kaseberg)