Category Archives: Wordpress

BLOG BAZAAR CHAOS (BBC)

In one of those infinitely crazy moments that have always exemplified His Non-existence, the Great God overseeing the Virtual World (Webramha) decided to amuse himself by putting together a bunch of virtual people and getting them to interact with each other, with each taking up the last thread of a mad conversation. Some of these folk may resemble familiar people, but you alone are responsible for assuming any resemblance. The following is the excerpt from the BBC WordPress Report.

Dirtymindoc: Hi, gays, I mean guys! How are you feelin’? Heh, heh, if you know what I mean? My old girlfriends always had hard feelings for me, you know?
Pal’s Coughing Phallus: I had a late night thought: do feelings go through your hands and mind at the same time? And if my Hand’s feelings are due to Hormones, are my Mind’s feelings due of Mormones?
Dirtymindoc: Yes, more moans, Pal! That is our religion.
Kool Karni Nita: In India, according to the last Special Committee on Religions Report, there are more than 743 of them. Of this, there are 733 variations of Hinduism.
Flabbydoc: There are 733 variations of the push-up. Would you like to see one where I keep the scapula protracted?
Dirtymindoc: Interesting. Can you keep your scapula protracted when you are, you know, pushed up? Heh, heh!
Pal’s Coughing Phallus: I had a late night thought: Can Don do push-ups?
Kreema: I saw Don 23 times and blogged about it 24 times. Did you read them, ki na?
Litterabuse: I have don something akin to it 42 times. :-p
Shefolly: Why did Michelle Obama smiley at the Queen? Read my latest blog post over at my other blog. Just make sure you are wearing a tie. And please don’t go beyond smiling.
Flabbydoc: Smiling is an aerobic exercise. As research has shown us again and again, it is anerobic exercise which can burn fat in 7 days. I challenge you to smile intensely for 7 days and see the difference.
See-smut: It was the difference that caught her eye. He was so strikingly unsmiling. She thought, a warm summer breeze would freeze near him. The river stood silently beside her. Brooding. Grim. Cold.
Shefolly: It is cold in London today, as brilliantly shown in Penniless Dope’s latest blog post. However, many (less intelligent, hélas!) deny this, while the Pope….
Pal’s Coughing Phallus: The Pope is (according to the Authority on Authoritarians) God’s Weapon of Mass Distortion. I had a late night thought: is Distortion of Reality part of Reality or a part of Distortion?
Cracked Nippil: You get Distortion of Reality if you drink too little beer. I would normally drink real fucking beer back home, not the kind of donkey piss that I am forced to have now that I am stranded in Mumbai with a stacked chick and that I am suffering from what my fucking doctor calls as ‘Nippil Distortion, that perverted jerk!
Kreema: Distortion was one of my exam questions this year. As you know, I am one of the most awarded bloggers in here. I even did an award-winning tag on ” Eighty Distorted Things in My Life” where I had 127 smileys in the main post and 289 of them in the 66 comments that followed.
Kool Karni Nita: Me too don’t like too many comments. That is why I have made a limit of 15,000 comments for each post. That way, I don’t have to answer too many comments, and I get more time to devote to my hubby and my freelance work.
Dirtymindoc: Yeah, I like ‘free lance‘. Heh, heh!
Rada: He…he… he was actually trying to touch my feet, imagine that!! Thinking he could get pubbed in Dishypundit, but am so not into all this, you know?! I was with my daughter when this…
Danish Bobby : You know, my daughter asked me, “If you get free speech in the US, where do you get a free lunch?”
Shocki: It was a free lunch where Kavita met him. His manly looks instantly got her attention, but it was when he smiled that her heart went fluttering. Subconsciously, she fingered her wedding ring, while the baby in her belly gave her a smart kick. Choking her tears, she looked away.
Flabbydoc: Looking away is a great way of exercising the sternomastoid muscle. If you really want to develop six packs in the neck, you must look away and up, and hold it for ten seconds. Repeat a hundred times in one set, and four sets of this will give you great results in a few years. But you will look different (though in a weird direction)!
God: I am the One giving Directions here. Cut (the freakin’ crap)!

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A CEMENTED MIND

I have probably (almost) never used this blog to post random thoughts to voice my personal thoughts, or express my angst at various issues in my personal life, this being an inherently happy blog and all, but this is as good as any a time to show that we can do it, too.
No, I am not going to expose to you my dietary secrets (like how I eat around ten egg whites a day on many days of the week), or to allow a thought to lingerie in your mind that I wear red underwear (I don’t need to). You get the gist.

So, politicians and humans, here is a CT scan of my mind: a rear glimpse of a genius.

* I have suddenly had my bank account frozen because my Chartered Accountant ‘forgot’ to show in my income a large (by my BPL standards) sum of investment (ironically in bona-fide Government bonds) in my income tax returns. On top of that, he offended the IT Officer by not attending the summons in person. I had no idea, and bang! Yesterday on, I am frozen out of access to money! Did I hear some asshole write about how money was no longer a defining aspect of his life? If you see him sometime, tell him he is just that. I am not going to ask you to cough up a bit of your old family jewels fortune, so relax your sphincters!
In the meanwhile, life is very on-the-edge, almost like a battle for Chief Me-jester of Maharashtra. I am fuming, once more, about the essential brutality of the Government apparatus: it never gave me a warning or notice. It seems it is not required by Indian law. Perhaps not in any law. The motto of Government is ‘Pay your taxes, and then breathe. If you stop breathing, do likewise.’

* I am actually thinking of spanking my CA for being such a bad boy: he has had all my bank statements showing the course of the funds (all from my income, my savings, FDs, etc.), but he ‘simply forgot’ to show it. I have a feeling he did this to screw me, so that I end up paying a hefty bribe to the ITO, with whom he would then share the spoils. A classic bureaucratic trap for the sucker!

* I have had no time to respond to the several interesting comments on my previous post on Another Kind of Evil, including Shefaly’s ‘You Are Better Than That, Doc’ remark. Provocative, that, I tell you. Even Indians have a right to respond, though you wouldn’t know it if you go by our history.

* WordPress has taken a toilet break after coming up with the breathtaking new 2.7 version. If you see this blog resembling a wall of the Taj Mahal hotel in Mumbai, with gaping holes in places where your world-famous blogs were proudly linked, despair not, for I have alerted the Blog-wizards.

* I found a great site for listening to music: Songza.

* In the festive season, I am doing a great job of staying motivated in my eating patterns. I don’t deny myself any treats, but I have cut portions immensely. A nibble of cake, half a sandesh, one cookie, etc., all the while cherishing each particle of food in my mouth with my eyes closed. Satiety comes quick when you savor each morsel of food, with your mind single-mindedly (clever, that!) minding the flavor, texture, aroma, and overall experience of the food.

* Yesterday was the first time I saw a Punjabi wedding. What I found so remarkable was how sexist modern Indian society still is. The groom’s family kept the bride’s on tenterhooks by coming in 90 minutes late, while I was chafing at the hungry delay. Soon after the groom’s arrival, those of us from the ‘girl’s side’ were respectfully asked to let the groom’s (large) party sit at the tables. The latter then wasted no time to complain forcefully to the authorities how unacceptable the service was: apparently, the reason was there was no one to serve the jalebis! I wanted to offer my services, but certain people suspected that I would ensure ample spillage of jalebi juice on the expensive sleeves of the complainants, and my offer was gracefully and drily turned down.

* I was on a TV talk show late at night on, I kid you not, Maradona! My role was to lie to the gullible public how much I admire Maradona and football, and then talk a bit about his weight loss surgery and stuff. You know how it is: flanked on either side by two journos who have spent their lives chasing the God of Football, I was off-side, all at sea while the two guys kept boring holes in my brain with anecdotes on how close they were to him, yada, yada, yada. I literally begged the anchor to pull the red card on me, and I slunk off the studio at 1.30 am. The show continued till 3 am, when the anchor ensured that Maradona was safe in his hotel room and had moved his bowels for the first time ever on Asian soil.

* After a very long time, two posts on one day, one mourning morning actually!

Want more? Oh, yeah, I don’t miss no groans or howls! I hear ye, I hear ye!

WHY I WON’T LIVE IN THE US OF A

WordPress Editor’s knot: This here Rambodoc artickle do not meet out usual hi standards. We has decided to spike it, but owing to political pressure (the Indian Govt screamed ‘discrimination’ and threatened to throw a nuke on Sri Lanka to avenge their loss in a recent cricket Test series) and the fact that we have nothing new to offer, we have decided to say ‘screw u’ to u and ur good taste. We has made, like, some grammur corrections to make it easy for u to read. Hear it is: njoy!
Signed: Ed. Wall Mickey.

Given my pro-American philosophical, political, economic and one-night stands, many people ask me why I do not move to the US or did not do so back when my testosterone levels started surging. I am too polite and modest to tell them that my testosterone surge is a permanent state of body and mind, like a Floyd Landis. The only difference is that he cycles on crack, I crack in cycles. PJs apart, however, there are significant reasons why I have not migrated to the US of A:
1. Damaging attitude of people: People with the names of Katrina, Ike, Hanna, among others, suddenly create damage to towns. Apparently they create giant winds and flood the streets with some secret apparatus, like a secret Right-wing Pee Society. Note that they don’t ever have last names. Except Sarah, aka Hurricane Palin. People like these could one day even run for President, so who wants to live in a country like that? It is far safer to be ruled by illiterate educated, insane sober, mindless wise, casteist balanced, evil objective and corrupt clean politicians like Mayawati, or ideologically crackpot pure Chinese stooges Indian patriots like Mr. Karat.
(I thought Sarah Palin was a Cosmo cover model- Ed.)

2. A minority President of the USA: Americans have learnded from India how to give power to their minorities. All of us knowed this for years. So far, they was free from this minor heart disease. Now they may have a Black as President. This is not bad in itself, of course, given that many of our own (Indian) fair leaders have been black, and I am not talking skin color here. They may have a closet Socialist as President: someone who wants to tax the shit out of me! Next thing, he will be taxing memories and excess baggage (like if you weigh over a BMI of 40, you pay 1 percent extra income tax per unit increase in BMI), too.
What if he started taxing you on your relationships? I mean, like: a) if your relationship enters the unforgivable American long term (six months) you pay a 1 percent cess from your income, and this keeps increasing arithematically every year till you are broke, or b) If you enter another relationship, which the Department of Homeland Insecurity registers as your fifth, there’d be a 5% cess on your income tax, plus the alimony you would have paid your ex-wives.
I don’t think I would do well in that kind of environment, you know!
(Such crap, but what can I do?-Ed.)

3. A Minority President of the USA (part two): If a future President is an economist, we would be in even more danger. Imagine what-all madcap theories would be tested to create equality between men and women, men and men, men and animals (women would say there already is such equality), women and animals (some men would say animals are superior). Politically correct, economically and socially disastrous. In the end, the country created could be called IndUS.
In case a female is voted or selected as President, I demand that the Black Box codes be locked off every mid-cycle (menstrual, not a Hero cycle) from her. The Codes could reside with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but he or she would probably forget the box in the toilet. Next thing you know, a guy like Larry Craig picks it up the next time he wants to adopt a wide stance in public. Who knows what could happen next: nuclear ransom for sex?
If Saracudda become President, the Box coulda been sent off to India, where the code activation and launch could happen at the first ring of the telephone. This could be India’s major first contribution to nuclear non-proliferation.
(Some blogs could be banned, like this one should-Ed.)

4. A minority President of the USA (teesra bhag): If a Jindal or Shah or Singh became POTUS, imagine the crisis: bhangra as the national dance, free visas for Indians, freedom to spit and pee by the highways, and right for Jersey cows to graze and crap at the same time as an immigrant Greek Bhaiya called Neo Lactophilos milks the udders, which squirt pure ghee. Another set of cows would produce lassi, and the cows on diets would produce chhaas. Edison cloned across the US, think of it (author goes to toilet to vomit, feet in narrow stance, and falls down. Craig is innocent?!)!
(Who’s Craig? I heard of Bill Clinton n M’knicker Chewinsky or somthn’- Ed.)
5. Large swathes of Americans get addicted to sex: I am worried if a few females there get addicted to me (don’t miss how classy I was to avoid the temptation of a pun on the ‘addict’ word), I might get into Miss Fortune again and again. Instead, if a few guys feel that way about me, I would get a bit behind in my carear.
(What is this guy, only nuts?- Ed.)

6. I get shit scared of politicians who appeal to religion or invoke God as the sheet anchor of one’s moral premises. In the name of God, can we avoid religion altogether from poly tricks? I would never migrate to a country where God guides policy making. At my neck of the woods, it is usually money or votes which do so, and this is more familiar.

Now, you tell me more reasons you/I should sit back in India!
(Thank God, it’s over, now I gotta front page it, they say!- Ed.)