WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-19-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Jesse Jackson said on Fox News Sunday that he wanted to cut off Barack Obama’s testicles. Now he thinks of it. If our last two presidents had had this done we never would have gone to war in Iraq and Bill Clinton would have retired with his dignity intact. (Argus Hamilton)

It was so hot (in New York) Madonna called A-Rod’s wife just to get the cold shoulder. (Jay Leno)

Dan Uggla struck out 3 times, grounded into a rally-killing double play and committed a record three errors. The headline on the game should have been, THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGGLA.” (Randy Youngman)

The White House has rejected a plan to regulate greenhouse gases, saying it could cripple the U.S. economy. And if there is anything the Bush administration knows about, it’s crippling the economy. (Jim Barach)

If Obama reverses any more positions and moves any farther to the right, he’ll be invited to deliver the keynote address at the Republican convention. (Scott Witt)

Cuba announced it will send a rowing team to the Olympics. They started training last month and haven’t been seen since. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama and a kangaroo pull up to a gas station. The gas station attendant takes one look at the kangaroo and says, “You know, we don’t get many kangaroos here.” Barack Obama replies, “At these prices, I’m not surprised. That’s why we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.” (Andy Borowitz)

Barack Obama told a town hall meeting in Georgia Wednesday that parents need to make sure their kids are able to speak Spanish. So that’s his economic policy. He is going to have Americans pose as illegal immigrants so they can get low-paying jobs. (Argus Hamilton)

A record number of babies were born in the U.S. in 2007. Apparently, sperm banks were like any other banks in 07, carelessly giving loans to everybody (Pedro Bartes)

The SEC has sent subpoenas to 50 hedge-fund managers as it investigates charges of stock market manipulation. But the probe may be undermined by the fact that the along with each subpoena, the SEC investigators all enclosed resumes and job applications. (Jake Novak)

A record number of babies were born in the U.S. in 2007, proving that millions of Americans are paying for higher gas prices by cutting back on birth control. (Jake Novak)

A recent poll from online dating website Match.com found that Americans think that Barack Obama is a better kisser than John McCain. Unless you are a hardcore conservative, because nobody is kissing their asses better than John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

The U.S. government is considering allowing drilling for off-shore oil Too bad the real money is in going after off-shore tax cheats. (Jake Novak)

Jesse Jackson became the third pastor to bedevil Barack Obama Sunday. He’s had tiffs with a Baptist pastor, a Church of Christ pastor and a Catholic priest. Just because Barack Obama isn’t a Muslim doesn’t mean he can’t be hounded into becoming one. (Argus Hamilton)

JESSE JACKSON

I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? (Jay Leno)

Rev. Jesse Jackson is apologizing for saying he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. Hey, if Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it, no one can! (Jake Novak)

Jackson complained that Obama was “talking down” to black people, which is getting in the way of Jackson’s attempts to continue lying to and inciting them. (Jake Novak)

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off. (Jay Leno)

Fox News revealed the rest of the comments that Jesse Jackson made about Obama, which included something the media cannot say on the air: “The N-word.” I thought we knew already that he had used the word Nuts! (Pedro Bartes)

Jesse Jackson was caught by a microphone saying he’s so angry at Barack Obama for talking down to black voters that he’d like to cut off his testicles. Let’s hope he doesn’t. Otherwise Barack Obama may be giving his acceptance speech in Denver at Mile High Voice. (Argus Hamilton)

Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn’t like him. You know, it’s kind of like Bill with Hillary. (Jay Leno)

The Reverend Jesse Jackson is being praised for saying he’d like to castrate Barack Obama. Among those agreeing with Jackson is moveon.org, which thinks Obama has become far too conservative and is changing its name to cutthemoff.org. (Scott Witt)

Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, “Keep your hands where I can see them!” (Jay Leno)

Jesse Jackson apologized Tuesday for saying he wants to cut off Barack Obama’s testicles. He was always polarizing. Back when Jesse Jackson ran for president his bumper stickers said Run Jesse Run and Republicans placed them on their front bumpers. (Argus Hamilton)

Jesse Jackson says he’s trying to put his remarks about cutting Barack Obama’s nuts off behind him and he says that Obama has accepted his apology. In fact, if he’s elected, Obama says he’ll appoint Jesse Jackson Secretary of “Nut Cutting.” (Conan O’Brien)

THE CANDIDATES

Enough already, with the jokes about John McCain’s age. We think it’s absolutely disgusting the way we and others make fun of him… So what if his first job was as an “Used Ark Salesman.” Whose business is it that when McCain first saw “Peter, Paul and Mary” they were in Bethlehem? Who cares that his favorite game show was “Let’s Make A Wheel?” Is it anyone’s business that as a young man his idea of “fast food” was an antelope? Or that he bought his first suit at a discount men’s shop called, “Manny of Mesopotamia.” Let’s leave the poor guy alone for Christ’s sake! Whom, by the way, McCain knew personally. (Jackie Nelson)

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a farmhouse, and much to his surprise, Barack Obama answers the door. The salesman says, “I was expecting the farmer’s daughter.” Barack Obama replies, “She’s not here. The farm was foreclosed on because of subprime loans that are making a mockery of the American Dream.” (Andy Borowitz)

Normally on Fridays we would tape our show at 4:30, but to accommodate sen. John McCaain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Sen. McCain wasn’t available at 4:30 because that’s when he eats dinner. (Conan O’Brien)

On Barack Obama appearing at a fundraiser with Hillary Clinton and telling the audience “Hillary rocks”: Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain’s economic adviser, former Sen. Phil Gramm, is under fire for calling Americans a bunch of whiners. He also said the country is in a mental recession. Apparently we’re experiencing a mental slowdown. Kind of like President Bush. (Jay Leno)

At a town hall meeting in Georgia, presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama told an audience that they needed to make sure that their children could speak Spanish. So in the future, when Chinese people come to collect the money we owe them, our kids can say “No hablo Ingles.” (Pedro Bartes)

Today’s New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies. (Conan O’Brien)

Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton will appear together this week for unity meetings. At their first stop, they will perform “Riverdance” in clogs on “America’s Got Talent.” (Willam Hale)

John McCain is getting speech coaching from President Bush’s debate consultant. Is that a good idea? Using President Bush’s debate coach is like using Britney Spears as a dance instructor. (Jim Barach)

This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players. (Conan O’Brien)

John McCain’s new speech coach told him to stop speaking out of the sides of his mouth. McCain says he can’t help it. As a politician it’s just a habit to speak out of both sides of his mouth. (Jim Barach)

Even though he gets Social Security benefits himself, John McCain continues to attack the system, mostly because the small type on those checks is just too hard to read. (Jake Novak)

Barack Obama made three separate visits to Chicago-area gyms in one day this week. Apparently, he wants to be fit to run away in case he sees Jesse Jackson with a pair of scissors. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush has acknowledged America is in a tough economic time. It would be nice if he also acknowledged his policies are responsible for it, or that he will do something to fix it, but at least he knows it is there. (Jim Barach)

The ordinance initiative to changing the name of the Oceanside Wastewater Treatment Facility to the ‘George W Bush Sewage Plant’ will be on the November ballot. I don’t think that’s fair; Bush does the opposite to a Wastewater Treatment Facility; the plant transforms crap into something reusable, whereas Bush transforms usable stuff into crap. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The EPA says Vice President Cheney wanted a climate report on global warming changed. Apparently Cheney hasn’t met a report that couldn’t be fixed with some scissors and a black marking pen. (Jim Barach)

On Vice President Cheney’s recent checkup: “During the procedure he waterboarded a nurse. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Despite battling brain cancer, Ted Kennedy rushed back to the Senate yesterday to cast the decisive vote on Medicare legislation. Kennedy was later informed that the bill did not actually call for allowing Americans to use Medicare to pay their bar tabs. (Jake Novak)

Nancy Pelosi demanded a new round of stimulus checks for Americans Monday. The last check didn’t work out so well. The people who spent it are broke again and the people who put it in the bank are waiting for the bank to open so they can get it out. (Argus Hamilton)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recommended oil drilling in already-explored Alaska leaseholds Tuesday. She won’t yield on offshore or wildlife preserves. The Democrats are not opposed to drilling, they are just opposed to drilling in areas that have oil. (Argus Hamilton)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is calling President Bush “a total failure”. Coincidentally, that’s the same thing everyone calls Pelosi’s plastic surgeon. (Jake Novak)

THE COURTS

A gay Michigan man is suing Bible publishers for printing the books that say homosexuality is a sin. If he wins, that will open the door for every one handed thief in the Middle East to go after part about “an eye for an eye”. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS

The Democratic party banned fried food at the convention in Denver next month. No wonder they want to reduce it to three days. Four days without fried food and the Southern states will secede, and how do you square that with nominating Barack Obama? (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

The California Lottery announced plans Wednesday to offer a lifetime supply of gasoline to the winner in the next state lottery. It’s not very practical. Leave it to the geniuses in Sacramento to fill up a house with gasoline during fire season. (Argus Hamilton)

The Stop Smoking Hotline in New York reported Friday that phone calls for help tripled after the city’s new ten-dollar-a-pack tax kicked in last week. The city’s government has done the impossible. They somehow managed to make crack cost-effective. (Argus Hamilton)

The California National Guard joined the firefighting effort Thursday. However, state officials said it wasn’t enough and asked the White House to send federal troops. As much oil as there is under California, it’s a shock they’re not here already. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

The World Trade Center rebuilding project collapsed Wednesday amid design flaws and red tape. It’s all the new regulations. The Building and Safety Commission is insisting that nothing can be rebuilt in New York until the terrorists die of old age. (Argus Hamilton)

Officials in Denver will give homeless people free movie tickets and zoo passes during the Democratic National convention. Democrats were afraid there were going to be many beggars around. After all, Obama has been offering change since he started the campaign. (Pedro Bartes)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The TSA is testing out security lines for “pilots only” at several airports. These lines boost efficiency because they use breathalyzers instead of metal detectors. (Jake Novak)

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn’t that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he’s right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. Apparently no more. (Jay Leno)

Atlanta is replacing all its “Men at Work” signs with gender-neutral ones after a women’s magazine editor complained of bias. Apparently, the new signs read “Men at work and women too but for 40% percent less money.” (Pedro Bartes)

THE ECONOMY & TAXES

Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. (Jay Leno)

According to a study, many people are using the stimulus checks sent by the government on porn. Therefore, Bush was right when he said the checks were going to help with the foreclosure problem; they are giving everybody a tent. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a recent poll from Monster.com, 48% of this year’s college graduates say they plan on moving back in with their parents. The other 52% will move with their grandparents, because that is where their parents are living already. (Pedro Bartes)

Freddie Mac is hoping to bolster its balance sheet by selling $10 billion worth of new stock. Now they just have to find 10 billion people who haven’t read or watched the news in the last six months. (Jake Novak)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Maybe this was Bush’s plan all along against illegal immigration – just run the economy down and wait for them to leave? (Pedro Bartes)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Tony Blair canceled a trip to Gaza Tuesday after Israeli police discovered an assassination plot by the Palestinians. If Tony Blair had been killed it would have turned the whole world against the Palestinians, but Israel warned him anyway. The main theological difference between the Torah and the Koran is sportsmanship. (Argus Hamilton)

Newcastle United soccer fans protested in England Monday when they heard Osama bin Laden’s family is trying to buy the team. You can imagine how this is going to work out. Whenever the team plane flies into New York, it really flies into New York. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

In a Bastille Day celebration, France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy hosted the leaders of Syria, Israel and Palestine. It was considered a brave and inspired diplomatic gesture right up until the moment Sarkozy surrendered France to the Syrians, Israelis and the Palestinians. (Alex Kaseberg)

Spain opened bullfighting season Saturday, drawing bullfighting fans and animal rights protesters to Madrid. There’s a worldwide effort by activists to stamp out blood sports. Thousands were hurt Tuesday during the Running of the Banks in Pasadena. (Argus Hamilton)

The Running of the Bulls got underway in Pamplona to begin bullfighting season in Spain Tuesday. Hundreds of young bulls chased daredevils down city streets. At the end of the season the surviving bulls are castrated and endorsed by Jesse Jackson. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iran’s government got caught doctoring a photo of its Shahab-3 missile test last week showing four missiles launching when it was really only one. The Iranians love their new photo-editing software. Tomorrow they’re going to release a photograph of Neil Armstrong planting the Iranian flag on the moon. (Argus Hamilton)

The United Arab Emirates have canceled the debt owed them by Iraq. Trying to collect on a loan to Iraq is pretty much like trying to collect on a subprime mortgage. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, “McDachsunds.” (Conan O’Brien)

A study says that China will pass the U.S. economically by the year 2035. To do that, all any nation needs to do is pretty much stay where they are right now. (Jim Barach)

AFRICA

The South African government is pushing to temporarily legalize prostitution in the country during the World Cup. Apparently, they want everybody to score to make soccer more interesting. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A study says that test tube babies are just as healthy as those conceived naturally. Meaning the test tube babies are formed in an alcohol free environment. (Jim Barach)

The American Society for Plastic Surgery said Thursday cosmetic procedures are down this year. Gym memberships fell nationwide for the first time in decades. It turns out that walking ten miles to work every day can turn anybody into a supermodel. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

The National Parks Superintendents Association held its annual meeting in Utah on Wednesday. It could be their last meeting. No one’s sure about the future of the parks system but next year’s summit will be held at Yellowstone National Refinery. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Baseball’s second half begins. What does it mean when Alex Rodriguez has two strikes on him and no balls? Cynthia took those too. (Alan Ray)

Alex Rodriguez was named by a Boston stripper as a former lover Tuesday. She kept him up all night four years ago to help her Red Sox beat the Yankees in the playoffs and win their first World Series in eighty years. The Chicago Cubs just put her on retainer. (Argus Hamilton)

Josh Hamilton stunned fans last night with an incredible 28 homers in the first round of the home run derby. The only guy who hit more homers last night was Alex Rodriguez back in his hotel room. (Jake Novak)

It is so hot in Washington, the Nationals are striking out on purpose just to feel the breeze coming off of their bats. (Alex Kaseberg)

Brett Favre text-messaged the Green Bay Packers Saturday saying that he wanted to cancel retirement and play again. His farm income isn’t even enough to pay his gasoline bills. This morning he took his shotgun behind the barn and put down his SUV (Argus Hamilton)

Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton stole the show at Yankee Stadium with his home runs and comeback story during All-Star week. After three years on alcohol and drugs he came back to play baseball. Not everyone has what it takes to make it in Hollywood. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama may sponsor a NASCAR car. When asked how he felt about a black presidential candidate sponsoring a NASCAR car, one NASCAR fan said; “What’s a black presidential candidate?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna Night was held on Thursday at a Grand Prairie minor league game in Texas. Couples who denied any romantic link between them got in for a buck. When Dick Cheney showed up with Big Oil they were laughed out of the ballpark. (Argus Hamilton)

The American League beat the National League in a 15-inning marathon All-Star Game last night. The game took so long, both teams came dangerously close to running out of pitchers, catchers and steroids. (Jake Novak)

Troubled NFL Star “Pacman” Jones is changing to his given name, Adam. In a related story, OJ Simpson has changed his name to Nelson Mandela. (Alex Kaseberg)

L.A. Clippers star Elton Brand has bolted the team and signed an $82 million contract with the Philadelphia 76ers. Clippers fans would be outraged… if there were any Clippers fans. (Jake Novak)

Babe Ruth’s cap and Lou Gehrig’s warm-up jacket were auctioned for three hundred grand each in New York this week. Collectibles are like gold during economic uncertainty. Whenever there is inflation or a weak dollar, ballplayers who died early do very well. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

WALL-E was number one at the box office Sunday. It’s about a trash-compacting robot’s quest for the mechanical love of his life. He’s not the first character to pick up trash while looking for love but he’s the first to do it in a children’s movie. (Argus Hamilton)

Thousands of people lined up to see the first showings of the new Batman “Dark Knight” movie at midnight and 3AM today. It also served as a reunion for all the idiots who lined up for the new iPhone last week. (Jake Novak)

“The Dark Knight” is out in theaters. Batman is like a soldier fighting terrorism. Much of his protective gear he had to pay for himself. (Alan Ray)

Six Flags watched its stock price drop on Wall Street to forty-eight cents a share Wednesday. The economy is terrible for theme parks right now. It’s hard to compete with the thrill of pushing your car up a hill and then coasting to the grocery store. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The New Yorker magazine is in trouble for its cover cartoon of Barack in Arab dress and Michelle outfitted as a terrorist. Going after the other side, look for next week’s cover to show Cindy spoon-feeding John in the White House Assisted Living Center while a nurse feels to see if his diapers are dry. (Scott Witt)

The Barack Obama campaign is irate over a “The New Yorker” cartoon cover which depicts Barack Obama as a Muslim and his wife, Michelle, as a terrorist. A spokesperson for “The New Yorker” replied; “Why can’t you see? We’re so clever that we are intentionally making an offensive caricature to illuminate its absurdity . . . oh my god, we really are total douche-bags.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The New Yorker ran a cover cartoon Monday of Barack Obama dressed up as a Muslim terrorist. It shows his wife dressed as a Black Panther. Barack Obama is offended, John McCain is offended, and Hillary is offended they didn’t run it three months sooner. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins Saturday in France. They then sold the baby pictures to a tabloid for twenty million dollars. For the first time ever, retired racehorses who’ve been put out to stud think they’re in the wrong racket. (Argus Hamilton)

A leading psychiatrist says that Christie Brinkley and her husband need therapy. They’ve done the next best thing by airing out their personal lives to the media and public every day during their divorce trial. (Jim Barach)

Christie Brinkley smiled for photographers as she left a Long Island courthouse Thursday after her divorce case settled. She looks great. When tough times force Americans to choose between prescription drugs and food, supermodels don’t think twice. (Argus Hamilton)

Formula One’s Max Mosley sued the London Mail Monday to defend his right to enjoy kinky sex. He says the hookers who spanked him on video were dressed as German guards, not Nazis. Reality show producers are following this trial like it’s the pennant race. (Argus Hamilton)

Robert Downey Jr. signed Saturday to star as Sherlock Holmes. The detective was addicted to liquid cocaine. Of course there won’t really be liquid cocaine in the syringe when Robert Downey Jr. films the scene, in the movies they always use iced tea. (Argus Hamilton)

Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp announced Tuesday that this year’s Farm Aid concert will be in New England. It’s an annual event. Farm Aid started out as an appeal to the American people to give money to suffering farmers, now it’s the other way around. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick has filed for bankruptcy, claiming he owes his creditors between $10-50 Million. He won’t say where the money went. but it’s a safe bet it wasn’t for veterinarian bills. (Jim Barach)

Larry King is coming out with an autobiography. “It has everything,” say the critics… “Romance, violence, suspenders…” (Pedro Bartes)

EDUCATION

California is going to require algebra to be taught as early as the 8th grade. That means as many as half of the children starting out in Kindergarten this year may be in school long enough to learn it. (Jim Barach)

RELIGION

Pope Benedict is the first Pope to ever use a cell phone. Can you imagine how hard it must be for the Pope to explain to the patrol officer that he was using the cell phone while driving the pope-mobile because God was calling him? (Pedro Bartes)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Nine British women were facing prostitution charges after being arrested during the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos. Apparently, the competition sucked. (Pedro Bartes)

A 75-year-old San Francisco woman has taken up stripping. Even though there are no restrictions in San Francisco’s strip joints, customers stay within three feet of her, just to avoid stepping on her boobs. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do. (Author Unknown)

United Fire & Casualty Co., the Cedar Rapids, Iowa-based property and casualty insurer, said it was flooded out of its headquarters and expects to incur costs because it’s not fully covered by insurance. (C. Bloomberg)

The bad news for Detroit is that GM CEO Rick Wagoner is announcing huge job cuts and production cutbacks. The good news is GM will now allow foreclosed Detroit residents to live in the company’s unsold monster SUV’s. (Jake Novak)

Thousands of Americans are lining up to buy the new Apple iPhone 3G. It might seem like a waste of time, but standing in line for days to get an overpriced item is great practice for what it’s going to be like to buy gas in this country by the end of the year. (Jake Novak)

Apple sold one million of its new 3G iPhones over the weekend. So that’s one million Americans who will be using those phones to call their parents and beg for gas money. (Jake Novak)

Dow Chemical is buying rival chemical company Rohm and Haas for about $18.8 billion. The combined company is hoping to match China toy makers and Mexican tomato growers in the production of poisonous substances by the year 2015. (Jake Novak)