WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-28-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get his daughters a dog in April. The Obama’s joke that Barack will be the official Pooper Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he’s been picking up all the crap Bush has left. (Pedro Bartes)

The term Broadband is derived from the two primary uses of high speed internet access: downloading porn (broads) and illegal MP3s (bands). (Dave Hitt)

According to a survey among historians, out-going President George Bush was only the 6th-worst president we’ve ever had. Another example of why we need a national playoff system. (Tim Hunter)

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman has been offered $1 million and benefits to make a porn movie. Filmmakers told her to “shake her babymaker,” and she pulled out a rack of test tubes. (Jerry Perisho)

The NBA is producing “Vaccines For Teens” public-service announcements, featuring Grant Hill and Lisa Leslie, on the importance of getting timely inoculations. Baseball’s version, we hear, stars Jose Canseco and A-Rod’s cousin. (Dwight Perry)

On actress Meryl Streep’s record 15 career Oscar nominations: I hate to say it, but someone puts up numbers like that, it’s just hard not to think “steroids.” (Hugh Jackman)

Cheez-Its has created a new type of cracker that looks like Scrabble tiles. Perfect for people who like to play with their food. (Tim Hunter)

The Power Within motivational group has dropped Michael Phelps as a speaker. Talk about charisma. When he walks in, he tends to light up the joint. (Alan Ray)

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout our country’s history. It was disturbing to discover the chapter on Bill Clinton was comprised primarily of limericks about Nantucket. (Alex Kaseberg)

A 73 year old college basketball player in Tennessee has been ruled ineligible to play. He’s so old that the years it will take until his graduation have been renamed “the final four”. (Jim Barach)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama’s first speech to Congress was notably different from his predecessor’s in many respects. For starters, no need for subtitles. (Janice Hough)

Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we’re all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. So, in other words, we’re screwed. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Pres. Obama unveiled his federal budget, Thursday. It includes higher taxes for wealthy individuals, $318 billion for universal health care, and a creative new way for the Dodgers to sign Manny Ramirez. (Jerry Perisho)

Michelle Obama has announced the first family will be getting a Portuguese water dog in April. So much for all those naysayers who thought Barack wouldn’t deliver on any of his campaign promises. (Janice Hough)

First Lady Michelle Obama says the first family will get their Portuguese Water Dog some time in April. The White House is currently free of fleas. Just last week, Monica Lewinsky walked through and her flea collar killed them all. (Jerry Perisho)

EX-PRESIDENT BUSH

Former President George W. Bush and wife Laura made a surprise visit this morning to their neighborhood elementary school. Apparently, Laura wanted to talk to some teachers about education, and George wanted to complete second grade. (Pedro Bartes)

My daughter has a book of Presidential jokes or funny stories throughout our country’s history. Sadly, the chapter for President George W. Bush is primarily knock-knock jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

George W. Bush is doing pretty well for a retiree. Our former president will hit the lecture circuit next month for a reported $150,000 per speech, which seems like a lot to pay to hear someone who can’t speak give a speech. Actually, it’s a $150,000 for Bush’s speech and an extra 25 grand if you want to throw shoes at him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE ECONOMY

Some economists feel that the stock market has hit bottom around 7,000, and in any case will not keep losing 200-300 points a day for very long. Well, no more than a month for sure. (Janice Hough)

In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states sent YouTube videos of disasters to Washington. New York apparently just sent a video of the Knicks. (Janice Hough)

Former head of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan says this is the “longest and deepest” recession since the 1930s. The only difference is that when Wall Street executives jump from their windows now, they are wearing their golden parachutes. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

The House of Representatives passed a resolution recognizing the late actor Paul Newman for his actions on and off the screen. “What we have here is failure to communicate”; no, it’s not just a quote from “Cool Hand Luke”, it’s also carved above the doors to the House of Representatives.

Roland Burris, while insisting that he is nothing like Blago, is reported to have responded to calls for him to give up his Senate seat, “What’ll you gimme for it?” (Robt Stupple)

THE STATES

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says he may not take any stimulus money from the Federal Government. Apparently he figures if its going to be anything like what they did for the state following Katrina, why bother? (Jim Barach)

Lawmakers in California want to legalize marijuana. Experts believe the taxation of marijuana can fix the financial crisis. But if it doesn’t, the legalization guarantees at least that nobody is going to have the energy to riot. (Pedro Bartes)

Florida wildlife managers have launched an experiment to see if they can keep crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods by temporarily taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their “homing” ability. Now, if you have a metal plate in any part of your body, you’re screwed. (Pedro Bartes)

LOCAL NEWS

A nearly intact skeleton of a massive Colombian mammoth that died during the last ice age has been found at a construction site in Los Angeles. Isn’t that amazing? There’s a construction project actually underway in Los Angeles! (Tim Hunter)

Las Vegas police have identified the fifty most prolific prostitutes in the city. In this economy, some people go to work, some stay in bed all day, and some do both. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS

Socks, the famous White House cat, who stalked the corridors of power during the Clinton’s reign, has died at the age of 18. It was hard for the Clintons, especially for Bill; you know how much he hates to lose an 18-year-old pussy. (Pedro Bartes)

THE REPUBLICANS

Many across the political spectrum said Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s response to the Obama speech was sing-songy, simplistic and childish. But conservative talk show hosts said this proves he is up to the presidential duty of reading “The Pet Goat.” (Marv Kaminsky)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A New York man was ticketed for going 137 mph in a 1993 Honda Civic in Upstate New York. He was asked how a 16 year old Honda could go so fast. Apparently the man just bought the car from Alex Rodriguez who swears he didn’t put anything extra in the tank. (Jim Barach)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

A detainee released from the Guantanamo Prison said he was the victim of “medieval torture” while he was in custody. The man claimed he’d been waterboarded, exposed to extreme temperatures, that he underwent sleep deprivation and that he was forced to attend several renaissance fairs. (Patrick Gorse)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The State Department warned college students not to travel to Mexico for spring break. They are concerned kids might be able to find a job there and never come back. (Pedro Bartes)

Mexico’s political stability came under question on Tuesday due to anarchy and drug wars. It’s not likely to attract an al-Qaeda presence. If their idea of heaven is seventy-two virgins, they are not going to like Cabo San Lucas during spring break. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Israel announced Monday that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will visit the Palestinian suburbs and Israel next week. She’s going to lecture the Israelis and the Palestinians on how to live side by side, even though they hate each other. No one’s better qualified. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korea says its planned missile launch test is really just part of its plans for a peaceful space program. The starving nation is hoping to safely land a man at a Taco Bell drive thru. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

More than half of all baseball fans say that Alex Rodriguez should be banned from the Hall of Fame for admitting to steroid use. The rest say he should be banned for admitting to dating Madonna. (Jim Barach)

Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Tour this week in Tucson in the Accenture Match Play Championship. Everyone’s glad. He absolutely hates any noise on his backswing, so maybe the stock market will be polite enough not to crash on Thursdays and Fridays. (Argus Hamilton)

A new video game called “Trillion Dollar Bailout” lets the player slap corporate CEO’s who are asking for money. Expanded versions of the game will let you also slap fertility doctors whose patients deliver babies eight at a time, baseball players getting injected with illegal drugs by their cousins, and Joaquin Phoenix. (Jerry Perisho)

Roane State College will have to forfeit a basketball game, the Knoxville News Sentinel reported, because 73-year-old guard Ken Mink flunked a language course, making him academically ineligible. AARP historians couldn’t immediately recall a septuagenarian whose passing problems involved Spanish. (Dwight Perry)

As if Alex Rodriguez needed any more bad publicity, he hitched a ride from the Yankees’ spring-training opener in the SUV of Yuri Sucart — the cousin he said used to inject him with steroids. Nothing unusual there, witnesses say: Sucart did the driving, and A-Rod got stuck in the rear. (Dwight Perry)

The Washington Nationals were understandably angry to learn that Esmailyn Gonzalez, the 16-year-old Dominican phenom they signed, turned out to be a 20-year-old named Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, now 23. About the only way this story could be better is if Gonzalez/Alvarez had invested his $1.4 million bonus with Bernie Madoff. (Dan Daly)

Gearing up to watch Sunday’s Academy Awards: Hope I can stay awake long enough to see if my favorite wins: Alex Rodriguez, who’s nominated for Best Original Story in an Enhanced Performance Apology. (Steve Schrader)

ENTERTAINMENT

The Academy Awards were held last night. The telecast was so long that by the time it was over Brad Pitt had turned into an infant. At the Oscars, Jerry Lewis got a humanitarian award, made of fool’s gold. (Doug Austen)

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in “The Expendables,” a new movie that Sylvester Stallone wrote, directs and stars in. It’s the perfect film for Arnold since nobody can write dialogue for him like Stallone. (Paul Seaburn)

Thanks to the success of “Slumdog Millionaire,” there were literally hundreds of millions of people in India watching the Oscars. In fact, I called Microsoft for help with my computer and actually got a guy in Iowa. (Ira Lawson)

Security personnel at the Oscars Sunday night arrested a man with a bomb. He was carrying a DVD of “The Love Guru.” (Jerry Perisho)

Sean Penn won best actor for “Milk”. Watch for the sequel where he reprises the role in, “And Cookies”. (Bill Williams)

Vivid Entertainment, which makes adult films, has offered Octo-mom Nadya Suleman $1 million and benefits to make a porn movie. Recording sound near Suleman’s pelvic region when she’s naked could be a problem. She just delivered 8 babies; wouldn’t everything echo. (Jerry Perisho)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

The New York Post has dropped gossip writer Liz Smith. Editors plan to try a completely new direction for the paper: Journalism. (Alan Ray)

Rick Santelli, the furious CNBC reporter, blames low income homebuyers for the crisis; apparently they consistently tricked the world’s largest financial institutions into lending them money. (IronicTimes)

A cartoonist for the New York Post is being criticized for portraying a chimpanzee as the author of the federal stimulus plan, and well he should be. To insult a chimp in that manner is deplorable. The plan is so bad that it could not have been created by a creature that high on the evolutionary scale. (Scott Witt)

CELEBRITIES

Meryl Streep admits it: in her younger years, she used to stuff her bra with paper towels to get film parts. She found Bounty towels to be the quicker role picker upper. (Tim Hunter)

Actress Nicole Richie announced via the Internet that she is pregnant with her second child. When she is pregnant, Nicole Richie looks like an aneurism.

Rihanna’s police photos after her beating by Chris Brown were leaked to the media Friday, showing her with blackened eyes, a swollen nose, bloody lips and facial bruises. The beating could have been worse. She could have owned General Motors stock. (Argus Hamilton)

Barbra Streisand recently bought six fur coats at an expensive Fifth Avenue store. Normally that would upset me, but I would rather see Streisand wear fur than see Streisand naked. (Jon Stewart)

Nicole Richie is expecting her second child. So now she’ll be purging for two. (Todd Long)

Charles Barkley will spend 5 days in jail for a DUI conviction. He’ll learn prison is different than the NBA. Instead of 2 guards and a center, a fast break involves 4 guards and a bloodhound. (Alan Ray)

Charles Barkley may lose his deal with T-Mobile due to his recent DUI and future imprisonment. He didn’t care, he’ll have probably more bars than his cell phone. (Pedro Bartes)

Charles Barkley was sentenced to five days in jail Monday for getting arrested for drunk driving in Scottsdale. He was smashed. When the officer told him he was twice the legal limit, he thought that the girl he picked up was thirty-six years old. (Argus Hamilton)

Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen married NFL star Tom Brady yesterday in California. But the wedding night turned out to be a bust when Bundchen found out that Brady really isn’t much without his offensive line. (Jake Novak)

Former N.F.L. star Michael Vick will be allowed to finish his 23-month sentence under home confinement because there is no room for him at a halfway house. Lucky dog. (Doug Austen)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to a new survey from “Health Plus” magazine, 77% women in their 40s say their sex lives are better now than ever before. The other 33% are still married or faithful to their husbands. (Pedro Bartes)

The Vatican proclaims that men and women sin differently. Women are more likely to make sins with pride and envy, while men are more likely to makes sins with Madonna and Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to a recent survey in the UK, 1 in 5 workers would have sex with their boss to get promoted. The other four would just do it to keep their jobs. (Pedro Bartes)

A 68-year-old Indiana woman has been recognized as the most married woman in the world with her 23 marriages. Isn’t that amazing? And, not one of them has been to Larry King! (Jerry Perisho)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The U.S. government is taking a 40% stake in Citigroup. But between the government’s office hours and banker’s hours, Citi will be open only for about 15 minutes a day. (Jake Novak)

G.M. needs $30 billion till Tuesday. Just need to get the few remaining Aztecs off the lot. They were going to cut the Buick line, but ministers launched a Sunday sermon onslaught against it. Tried to get rid of Cadillac, which brought Jews and blacks together for the first time since the civil rights movement. (Michael Feldman)

New York’s Fashion Week began Friday with the new clothing lines being modeled in front of buyers and celebrities sitting along the runway. The recession has hit the fashion industry hard. Some of those models look like they haven’t eaten in two years. (Argus Hamilton)

U. S Airways flights will start charging $7 for pillows and blankets on domestic flights. They know that we all need pillows, because we need something to bite while we’re getting screwed by the airline. (Pedro Bartes)

HOLIDAYS

Crash Wednesday: The day after Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is celebrated as the last day before Ash Wednesday, or the start of Lent for the Christian religion. For people between the ages of 16 and 25, its where you get tanked in the middle of the week. Crash Wednesday is the day dedicated to your hangover. (Urban Dictionary)

Wednesday was the first day of Lent, a time of fasting and penitence for many Christians. Most Christians give up something they love during Lent. Octo-mom will not be delivering any more babies for the next 40 days. (Jerry Perisho)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a recent survey, more than half of all dentists think $1 is an appropriate amount for the tooth fairy to give kids for every tooth. Today, the tooth fairy asked the government for a bailout. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel