WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-31-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

And so just how popular is our new president? The way I see it, if it ain’t Barack, don’t fixate! (Tom Mitchell)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday, so it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They will have one politician sitting in the White House, and the other one sitting in the big house. (Jay Leno)

Governor Rod Blagojevich will be the guest on “Larry King Live” Monday night. Viewers are invited to call in with their questions — $5 for the first minute, $1.50 for each additional minute. (Todd Long)

Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that’s refreshing, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)

The email system in the Obama White House crashed Monday morning. Political historians say the last thing to go down in the White House was Monica Lewinsky. (Jerry Perisho)

Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president. (Craig Ferguson)

They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off. (David Letterman)

Remember that plane US Airways plane that landed in the Hudson river? Great news. FEMA just showed up to help the passengers get out. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That’s a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees’ payroll for a season and a half. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland. (Conan O’Brien)

PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house. (Craig Ferguson)

The Super Bowl is Sunday. The NBC play-by-play team will be there giving the most in-depth analysis. Of what’s up later on NBC. (Alan Ray)

In Tampa, where Sunday’s Super Bowl game will take place, there are 43 strip clubs, many within walking distance of the football stadium. Dancers at strip clubs during Super Bowl week can make $2,000 per day. And, there is no “illegal use of the hands” rule. (Jerry Perisho)

Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Sunday news shows that Congress spending two hundred million dollars on birth control will help stimulate the American economy. This is crazy. An economy that is screwing this many people doesn’t need any more stimulation. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There’s outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he’s hostile to gun rights. (Argus Hamilton)

THE INAUGURATION

During the inauguration ceremonies there were 2 million people crammed into the Mall and not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that’ll all change now that Congress is back. (Jay Leno)

The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time. (Jay Leno)

It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, “I could have done that gig.”

Interesting facts still coming out about the inauguration: Aretha Franklin says that she’s not happy with her performance at the inauguration, and she says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Aretha said she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat. (Conan O’Brien)

Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office, so they did it over again. Which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath… having somebody in government actually go back and fix something. (Jay Leno)

There has been 130 million tons of garbage hauled out from the inauguration. And that’s not including the previous administration. (Craig Ferguson)

BLAGOJEVICH IMPEACHMENT

The embattled and Herbal Essence-infused governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, held another press conference today. He’s the guy they caught on tape allegedly trying to barter for Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. I’m no lawyer, but when they get you on tape doing what you say you didn’t do, you’re probably guilty. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Gov. Blagojevich is being impeached. The state of Illinois is already looking for a crooked politician to take his place (David Letterman) .

Gov. Blagojevich said he considered giving the open Senate seat to Oprah. He changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today Gov. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Blagojevich then said, “I have had a dream, and for $100, I’ll tell you about it.” (Conan O’Brien)

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That’s ridiculous — Oprah’s way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate. She’s got real muscle. Although, she’s got enough money to buy it from that guy. (Craig Ferguson)

Larry King asked him, “What do you do with an approval rating of 7?” He still thinks the people of Illinois are behind him. But even 7 — who are these people who approve of the job he’s doing? His mom … the guy at Supercuts who does his hair … (Jimmy Kimmel)

Yesterday, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as “an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.” (Conan O’Brien)

Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. Which may be a stretch — but at least he got the prison part right. (Conan O’Brien)

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he wants to appear Thursday at his impeachment hearing in Springfield. The governor will be accompanied by a crowd of supporters – each of whom paid $10,000 to be there. (Jerry Perisho)

It’s a bad day for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. The state senate kicked him out. So today, Blagojevich did what any smart criminal in Illinois would do. He asked Oprah for a pardon. (Craig Ferguson)

So now, the lieutenant governor of Illinois will move up and he’ll be sworn in. And Blagojevich still doesn’t get it. Like when he heard the lieutenant governor was going to get his seat, he said, “You mean for free?” (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama added a financial briefing to his morning schedule Thursday to follow the morning intelligence briefing. It fits into the schedule perfectly. The financial briefing will replace the morning sports briefing President Bush used to get. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama will get to keep his BlackBerry with him in the White House. This is unprecedented and is th)e first time in history that the U.S. will have a BlackBerry President. (Doug Austen

After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama
will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess he’s going to be on Verizon. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in. Sounds like the mother-in-law already moved in. .” (Jay Leno)

Obama has signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement. (Jay Leno)

President Barack Obama gave his first sit-down interview as president to an Arab TV network. He’s reaching out to the Arab world. In fact, he even made a cameo appearance on one of the biggest sitcoms in the Arab world, “How I Met Your Mullah.”

President Obama slammed Wall Street for taking more than $18 billion in bonuses in 2008. He’s so angry that’s he’s only going to give Wall Street $100 billion worth of the $900 billion stimulus plan. (Jake Novak)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The Obama administration seems ready to create a “bad bank” to solve the credit crisis. Ex-President Bush scoffed: “That’s nothing! Hundreds of bad banks were created under my administration. (Norm M.)

BUSH & CHENEY

They still haven’t revealed the contents of that note Bush left for Barack Obama, but I have it: “deer Brak, I took Clinton’s porn.” (Craig Ferguson)

It’s an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell? (David Letterman)

Dick Cheney supposedly pulled a hamstring while moving boxes. I think he just tried to weasel some workman’s comp on the last day of his government job. (Will Durst)

Dick Cheney was in a wheelchair at the Inauguration after pulling a muscle in his back. Apparently the injury happened while he was attempting to smile. (Jim Barach)

Moving out, Dick Cheney hurt his back. Did you hear about this? He was packing up his junk and moving out of his office, and he hurt himself. So apparently, the door did just hit him in the ass on the way out. (David Letterman)

THE ECONOMY & TAXIS

As the April 15 income tax deadline approaches, the Internal Revenue Service is offering advice to taxpayers. Keep most tax records for three years; accurate mileage logs help track business expenses; failure to pay taxes does not guarantee a job in the Obama administration. (Jerry Perisho)

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi boldly wants to add birth control funding to the new economic “stimulus” package. Apparently, not all stimulation is going to help the economy. (Tim Hunter)

House Republicans asked Friday how spending hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives stimulates the economy. That’s obvious. They help the bar business, the restaurant and hotel business, the florists, and if anyone gets caught, the jewelers. (Argus Hamilton)

The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Hidden in the Democratic drawn-up economic recovery bill: $335 million for sexually transmitted disease prevention. I guess this is to help hookers get off their feet and back on their backs again. (Tim Hunter)

THE CONGRESS

President Barack Obama’s stimulus package passed in the House 244-188. Even though Obama reached out to the GOP and made several concessions, Republicans are complaining that the bill was “shoved” down their throats. Luckily for the GOP, Democrats included $3 billion in the bill for tissues and anxiety meds. (Patrick Gorse)

Some folks are starting to make comparisons between the new New York senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Sarah Palin. So I guess its fair to ask if she can field dress a New York City rat? (Charles Almon)

Senator Christopher Dodd is blasting Wall Street for giving itself $18 billion worth of bonuses despite drastic losses in 2008. Dodd says he’s personally outraged because everyone knows the only people who can get pay raises when they fail are members of Congress. (Jake Novak)

THE COURTS

The Wisconsin Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday declaring that high school cheerleading is a contact sport like football. Not exactly. In football illegal use of the hands is fifteen yards, while in high school cheerleading it’s fifteen years. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Meanwhile, in New York, Gov. David Paterson named a replacement for Hillary Clinton, and he did it for free — not too bright. (Jimmy Kimmel)

In another totally unsubstantiated report from Alaska, it seems that the Governor, gunning for grizzly bears from her airplane, accidentally shot a Piper cub. (Paul Feehan)

LOCAL NEWS

The openly gay mayor of Portland, Oregon, Sam Adams, has admitted to having an affair with an 18-year-old male intern. See, that shows you how far gay rights have come in this country, when a homosexual politician can lie about his past, deceive his constituents, and have sex with his interns, just like our heterosexual politicians. (Jay Leno)

Sam Adams, the openly gay mayor of Portland, Oregon, is being investigated for having an affair with a teenage male intern. You know, let me ask you. What happened to the good old days in this country, when if a politician wanted gay sex, by golly, he just tapped his foot three times in the men’s room? (Jay Leno)

Well, here’s something shocking. Officials of Mendocino County, California, say two thirds of the income in that county comes from marijuana growing. Isn’t that amazing? The other third comes from the sale of Chips Ahoy cookies. (Jay Leno)

Nashville voters rejected a law Thursday that would have required all government business to be done in English. Analysts were surprised. It has nothing to do with immigration, it’s just that everybody is trying to learn Chinese so they can get a job. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid to fill New York’s vacant Senate seat. According to some reports, she dropped out because of marital problems. How bad is your marriage when it keeps you from replacing Hillary?

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for New York’s U.S. Senate seat Wednesday. She pulled out after reports surfaced that she was cheating on her husband. You are only allowed to represent New York in the U.S. Senate if your husband’s cheating on you. (Argus Hamilton)

Caroline Kennedy was reported furious Monday at New York’s governor for leaking reports that she was sleeping with the publisher of the New York Times. That’s so beneath her. A woman with her background should rate the publisher of the London Times. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Former secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, is readjusting to life as a private citizen. God, you think after eight years of tense talks with hostile tyrants, she would have had enough, but no, today, she was on “The View. (Jay Leno)

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin formed a political action committee to support conservative candidates; it’s called SarahPac. Palin said, “A Pac is kind of like the PTA, but you never have to sit through a gawd-awful talent show.” (Jerry Perisho)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The FBI says that 80% of the crime in the U.S. is being carried out by ruthless gangs, but enough about Citigroup, Bank of America and Goldman Sachs. (Jake Novak)

Police say the California man who killed himself and his family owed the I.R.S. $15,000, sadly, only about half of what one must owe to become Treasury Secretary. (Todd Long)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. The big problem is, How do you get all of these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the “Do Not Fly” list. They don’t know what to do with them. Other countries don’t want them. We don’t want them. Although today, representatives from New York’s Yellow Cab Company said, “Oh we’ll take them.” (Jay Leno)

Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh? (Jay Leno)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

In Scotland this weekend, they celebrated Robert Burns night. He was a poet. They celebrate it by drinking too much and eating haggis, which is like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts. (Craig Ferguson)

IRAQ & IRAN

Iraqi officials said Wednesday they have less money to spend on infrastructure and salaries because the falling price of oil has hit government revenues hard. They said they can’t spend money they don’t have. Have we taught them nothing in six years? (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Hey, did you see that a woman recently gave birth to eight babies? And out of force of habit, John Edwards went back into hiding.

A southern California woman gave birth to eight babies Monday. Eight kicking, screaming southern California babies. Throw in a washed-up pitcher and you’d pretty much have the Dodgers. (Jerry Perisho)

Researchers say that bad eating habits can alter a person’s DNA. That’s a nice way of saying we are becoming a bunch of pigs. (Jim Barach)

In Japan, seven diners were sickened after eating the delicacy poison blowfish testicles; I’m not a nutritionist, but I think the reason they fell ill was because they ate poisoned blowfish testicles. (Alex Kaseberg)

So many foods these days come with no sugar, no fat, zero calories. Now I can talk with my mouth full because my mouth really isn’t full. (Gil Stern)

A 111 year old Tuatara, cousin of the Iguana, has become a father at a zoo in New Zealand. Reptiles normally breed much earlier in their life cycle. Just right out of law school. (Alan Ray)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Al Gore was supposed to testify in front of congress today about the dangers of global warming … but a huge snowstorm may keep him away. I believe that is called “global irony.” (Tim Hunter)

The Weather Channel reported that a cold front descended on South Florida Wednesday and ruined orange crops. It was the coldest three days anyone could remember. The national media wasted no time giving President Obama credit for ending global warming. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that cleaner air has added five months to life expectancy in the past two decades. In Los Angeles, for example people can now see a freeway shooter much sooner without the smog so they can take evasive action faster. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS

Obama signs presidential order banning torture / Lions, Clippers, Nationals told to stop selling tickets. (Dwight Perry)

On the BCS absurdity of letting polls and computers determine college football’s title-game matchup: “If the NFL worked that way, Tennessee would be playing the Giants in the Super Bowl.” (Steve Simmons)

Seems Serena Williams beat Andy Roddick in a one-set tennis match back in their child-phenom days — she says it was 6-1, he says 6-4 — and she’s laughing off his demands for a rematch. (Dwight Perry)

On NBC airing a one-second Super Bowl beer commercial: “It was either this or show a clip of the Dallas Cowboys playoff highlights during the past decade.” (Brad Dickson)

Bo Jackson playing in the Bob Hope Classic said he doesn’t snap golf clubs over his thigh in anger like he once did with baseball bats. “Bats were free. Now I kind of hold on to my clubs. I’m paying for them.” (Orange County Register)

The New York Yankees announced they will purchase the Dominican Republic. “When we crunched the numbers it turned out it was cheaper to buy the whole country than sign individual players,” explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman. (ETrueSports)

The Super Bowl is Sunday in Tampa. The players on both teams will truly stand out. They’ll be the only ones in the stadium not falling down drunk. (Alan Ray)

The Cardinals play the Steelers in the Super Bowl. Analysts say Arizona won’t be able to move its offense against Pittsburgh. They’ll be shut down faster than a Wall Street investment bank. (Alan Ray)

A 73 year old man is on the Roane State Junior College basketball team in Tennessee. He loves starting the fast break. For once, he gets to pass something that doesn’t clear the room. (Alan Ray)

Now that Joe Torre has co-authored a new tell-all book about the Yankees, the team is considering a confidentiality clause so players and staff cannot tarnish the team’s reputation in print. Instead, they’ll just have to do it on the field. (Janice Hough)

A Texas girls basketball team that was on the winning end of a 100-0 game wants to forfeit it. The Covenant School says they unfairly ran up the score on Dallas Academy. Isn’t that a little like Barack Obama telling John McCain he can now have Vermont? (Jerry Perisho)

ENTERTAINMENT

“You’re Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush,” starring Will Ferrell, opened on Broadway Friday, is already a monster hit. Until you’re allowed to laugh at Barack Obama in mixed company, Will Ferrell will be the only comic working in New York. (Argus Hamilton)

Brad Pitt’s movie, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” picked up 13 Oscar nominations. The night of the awards, Brad plans to recreate the movie, going from 13 nominations to walking away empty-handed. (Tim Hunter)

Here’s an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don’t know what the musical is about. (Craig Ferguson)

ABC says they will probably cancel the sitcom “According to Jim,” which means Barack Obama’s message of hope is already working.(Conan O’Brien)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Rush Limbaugh says that President Obama is “frightened of him”. He’s not alone. (Tim Hunter)

A TV ad created by PETA has been deemed too sexually explicit to be aired. An angry PETA spokesperson criticized NBC for airing ads that make Americans “fat, sick and boring in bed.” Well, at least now I know who’s to blame for those problems! “Honey, NBC’s commercials are to blame; we can finally stop seeing the counselor!” (Jerry Perisho)

TV advertising time during the Super Bowl game on Feb. 1 is running about $3 million for 30 seconds. That’s $100,000 per second. Who negotiated these rates; Eliot Spitzer? (Jerry Perisho)

In Washington, in response to President Obama’s stimulus package, Rush Limbaugh proposed his own stimulus package. That’s true. You see, that’s what this country needs. What we need is a stimulus package proposed by a fat DJ. That’s what’s going to set the country back on track. Actually, Rush Limbaugh’s stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants. (Craig Ferguson)

CELEBRITIES

Paul McCartney will reportedly wed new girlfriend Nancy Shevell. The ceremony will have the traditional symbols. But this time the “something new” will be a better prenup. (Alan Ray)

Gossip reports say Tony Romo is cheating on Jessica Simpson. But in his defense, recent pictures suggest Jessica has been cheating on him with Tony Roma’s. (Pedro Bartes)

New York Knick Eddy Curry is being sued for sexual harassment by his male ex-driver. Kind of brings new meaning to the term backdoor pass. (Alex Kaseberg)

Resigned-due-to-a-gay-sex-scandal former evangelical minister Ted Haggard appeared on “Oprah” and said he is not gay, he is heterosexual with issues. Is that like a gift with purchase? (Alex Kaseberg)

EDUCATION

According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they’ll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it’s silly for college students to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to find a job — because the answer is no. (Conan O’Brien)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A new study says that whether or not you’re shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago — if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you’re not shy. (Craig Ferguson)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Starbucks Corp. announced a first quarter loss that led it to close 300 more stores around the world.If they close 300 stores, that means you may no longer be able to see one from your front porch! (Jerry Perisho)

J. Crew’s stock has gone up 10 percent because first lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mrs. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick? (Conan O’Brien)

The Ford Escape has been rated the most fuel efficient S.U.V. Of course, it’s pretty easy to be fuel efficient when you’re sitting unsold on the dealer’s lot. (Todd Long)

Forty thousand American workers lost their jobs Monday, but on Tuesday almost nobody did. So it’s a good attitude-bad attitude reaction, depending on whether your glass is half-full or half empty. — Or your belly. (Joe Hickman)

According to a new survey, one in three workers admits they pretended to be sick in the last year. The other two pretended they had a job. (Pedro Bartes)

Bank of America CEO John Thain was ousted after spending $1.2 Million redecorating his office. Apparently that money was earmarked for an executive retreat at a posh resort. (Jim Barach)

The Postal Service asked Congress for permission Thursday to end mail delivery service on Saturdays to try to cut costs. Why stop just Saturday? If they closed the entire Post Office no one would get their bills and the economy might recover. (Argus Hamilton)

The Postal Service may cut Saturday delivery. It would change employee schedules. To make up for the lost hours, workers during the week will have to cram in extra breaks. (Alan Ray)

The State Farm Insurance company says it will pull out of the Florida property insurance market because the state will not allow them to charge appropriate premiums. In Florida, the TV commercials will sing, “And like a good neighbor, State Farm is in Georgia…” (Jerry Perisho)

The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a voluntary recall of Discount School Supply Jesus Fish Beads due to a lead paint violation. This product also violates the separation of church and taste. (Paul Seaburn)

The porn industry is seeing an overall loss of revenue in a bad economy. Some of the new titles are the result of cutbacks in production costs. Debbie Does Lubbock. (Alan Ray)
Compiled by Stan Kegel