WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-28-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here’s what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They’ll screw up the place in six months. Six months! (Jay Leno)

There is a heavyweight boxing contender named Christobal Arreola. And contender is no titular title, this Arreola is no boob, he is quite a knocker in the ring, but we will keep you abreast of Arreola’s progress. (Alex Kaseberg)

Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven’t paid them yet. (Jay Leno)

President Obama told reporters Tuesday that his budget will build a foundation for economic recovery. He warned it could get worse before it gets better. Things are so tough that even people not in Obama’s administration aren’t paying their taxes. (Argus Hamilton)

Special Relationship starring Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Julianne Moore as Hillary begins filming in July about the Lewinsky scandal. It faces delays. The producers want to audition two hundred more actresses for the role of Monica Lewinsky. (Argus Hamilton)

A local high school student explained global warming was due to the extra hour of daily sunshine due to daylight savings time. (Stan Kegel)

At a newsconference last night, President Obama promised to reduce the deficit by borrowing another two trillion dollars. Looks like someone at the White House forgot to lay off President Bush’s speechwriters. (Jake Novak)

Yankee Stadium is being sold, everything must go. Madonna wants to buy home plate. It’s for old time’s sake because everybody on the Yankees has scored with Madonna. (Jerry Perisho)

Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is back in front of the TV cameras to talk about the AIG scandal. It is very appropriate, if you think about it. Who is better to talk about screwing people than Eliot Spitzer. (Pedro Bartes)

The ex-wife of former corporate CEO George David is asking for a divorce settlement of $53,000 a week. She says she isn’t asking for alimony. Just call it her end-of-marriage bonus. (Jim Barach)

In his upcoming tell-all book, Bob Barker says he once seriously considered an offer to appear in porn movies. But, oral sex just isn’t the same when someone keeps yelling, “Come on down!” (Jerry Perisho)

President Obama on Sunday proposed a cap on executive salaries in all publicly traded corporations in the United States. This idea will never make it through Congress. All the executives have to do is tell Barney Frank that they won’t be able to afford to make campaign contributions and the salary cap will die in committee. (Argus Hamilton)

A.I.G.

Beautiful day in New York City today. In fact, it was so nice, the A. I. G. executives were counting their bonuses in the park. (David Letterman)

Congress held hearings on the AIG bailout on Capitol Hill Tuesday as lawmakers took turns blasting the bailout and the bonuses. No one’s ever seen the public so angry at Wall Street. Things are so bad Dick Cheney just took his stockbroker hunting. (Argus Hamilton)

Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at J.F.K. Airport in New York City today. An A.I.G. executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd. (Jay Leno)

It turns out the bonus money that AIG got was actually $218 million and not the $165 million that was originally reported. AIG said they misplaced $53 million in bonuses. And today, Senator Chris Dodd said, “You mean that wasn’t a campaign contribution?” (Jay Leno)

AIG executives agreed Monday to give back the bonuses they received. For one long week news anchors kept railing about all the public outrage in America. No one knows if they’re mad about the bonuses, the bailouts, the budget or just because everybody is supposed to be out of work and the traffic is just as bad as it ever was. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama held a big press conference earlier tonight. He’s on TV a lot these days. The only way Obama could get more TV time is if he had eight babies. (Craig Ferguson)

After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, “Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?” (Jay Leno)

How many watched the President’s news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the A.I.G. bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he’s talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies. (Jay Leno)

Earlier tonight, President Obama held his second prime time press conference. He spent the first half defending the economy, and the second half defending the decision to interrupt “American Idol.” Obama answered questions about how the economy’s progressing. And in a nutshell, it’s not. (Jimmy Fallon)

President Obama went on prime time TV last night and urged the nation to be patient. He said “American Idol” will be back tomorrow. People were mad that the President preempted “American Idol. ” I mean, halfway into the news conference, fans called in and tried to vote him off. (Jay Leno)

Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. There was one awkward moment when Michelle unearthed about ten thousand Florida ballots for Al Gore. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Now I’m getting worried. Obama just patted Secretary Geithner on the back and said “Timmie, you’re doing a heckuva job.” (Marc Ragovin)

Postmaster General John Potter announced Wednesday that without new funding the Postal Service will run out of money this year. He wants everyone to email Congress. (Jeff Showell)

The Postal Service will cut more than 3,000 jobs. Most affected employees won’t find out for another six months. The pink slips are being sent first class. (Alan Ray)

The Post Office is offering early retirement to 150,000 workers and cutting 15% of its management after losing $2.8 Billion in 2008. They lost so much money last year they may seek to be reclassified as a bank. (Jim Barach)

President Obama nominated former Freddie Mac executive David Stevens to be the next head of the Federal Housing Commission. He was in charge of affordable lending at Freddie Mac. He’s responsible for such a bubble that the props from the Lawrence Welk show have to be taken out of storage for his confirmation hearings. (Argus Hamilton)

The Obama administration says it wants to stop airline pilots from taking guns on flights. Apparently they are just worried about the danger of mixing alcohol with firearms. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That’s the big problem, banks can’t sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I’m no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn’t that like K.F.C. advertising salmonella chicken? (Jay Leno)

The Obama Administration wants to unload a trillion dollars in toxic assets. I don’t know what that means, but do you know how much a trillion dollars is? A trillion dollars is almost as much as the A.I.G. bonuses. (David Letterman)

Former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan says that banks will need another $750 Billion of bailout money. Apparently the executives are demanding their year end bonuses in advance now. (Jim Barach)

Finally, a good day on Wall Street. Stock market went up 500 points today. Very exciting. See, apparently what happened was stockbrokers were so distracted by the N.C.A.A. tournament, they weren’t able to screw things up. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so bad, on “Sesame Street,” they won’t even talk about letters “A,” “I,” or “G” anymore. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

It turns out Senator Chris Dodd’s wife was a director at a company controlled by AIG. Dodd insists he doesn’t remember marrying her. (Jake Novak)

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants to propose a legislation banning the replacement of the dollar with any other currency. And today Tim Geithner said not to worry; as a matter of fact, we are not only going to keep the dollar as a currency, we are even actually thinking of printing tons of them. (Pedro Bartes)

THE COURTS

Almost a century after it sunk, a Federal Judge in Virginia is set to protect the Titanic and all it’s belongings from ever being touched. And just when FEMA was about to arrive to save them. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Nebraska policeman who is 5’9″ and weighs 300 pounds was given his job back by a court after getting fired for being overweight. This is one time the scales of justice are definitely tipped. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

Voters in Iowa are already receiving phone calls about whether or not they approve of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. They’re instructed to press one for “yes” and two for “you betcha!” (Jimmy Fallon)

A state senator from Nevada named Bob Coffin proposed a bill which would tax prostitution. Who would have thought Spitzer and Charlie Sheen were going to save the economy? (Pedro Bartes)

LOCAL NEWS

The lights of New York City’s Empire State Building and several other major buildings will be turned off Saturday night for an environmental demonstration called “Earth Hour”. But the event will be known locally as the “mugging and lotoing hour.” (Jake Novak)

Faced with a New York citywide infestation of bedbugs, Mayor Bloomberg has established a 10-member “bedbug commission.” They’re just itching to get to work. (Paul Feehan)

San Francisco unveiled new luxury commuter buses aimed at wealthy suburbanites Friday. They offer you the opportunity to talk on the phone, read the newspaper, eat breakfast and enjoy a little wine on the way to work. It’s exactly the same as driving. (Argus Hamilton)

A Providence, R.I., strip club held a job fair over the weekend. Some of the questions on the application are a bit misleading. “Had experience working on laptops?” (Alan Ray)

THE REPUBLICANS

President Bush says he will write a book about his “12 toughest decisions” he made as President. Apparently three were what to have for lunch, four were what color tie to wear and the rest were between watching “Spongebob” or “American Idol”. (Jim Barach)

George W.’ s working on a book: “Decidering.” (Michael Feldman)

In the book, George W. Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like ‘should I heed Al Roker’s warnings about Katrina?’ That would be one tough decision. ‘Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?’ That would be another. (David Letterman)

President Bush has already started on his first book since leaving the White House. Insiders say that he’s colored almost half of it. (Tim Hunter)

Most Republican officials are begging Dick Cheney to stay home and avoid talking to the press. What they don’t know is that his wife is the one pushing him to leave the house; do you know how boring it is to hear Cheney plotting wars against his neighbors all the time? (Pedro Bartes)

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It’s weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That’s odd. (Jimmy Fallon)

Former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson is writing a book on the 2008 financial crisis. It will be the first thing Paulson has had to sell that didn’t cost at least $700 billion. (Jake Novak)

Former President Bush’s freedom institute appears to be coming together — kind of a Bush Doctrine think tank. Former Vice President Dick Cheney, on the other hand, is working on a dunk tank. (Jeff Showell)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A veteran Little League coach in Yulee, Fla., was arrested on charges of selling marijuana to undercover police officers. Team moms figured something was up when he kept requesting brownies for the postgame treats. (Dwight Perry)

A St. Louis doctor has been arrested for planning to trade drugs for sex. It’s illegal in St. Louis to provide drugs for sex without first getting a $15 co-pay. (Jake Novak)

A San Diego car chase ended with narcotics suspects throwing $17,000 in cash out the window onto the freeway. Police figured anyone throwing around money like that was either on drugs or an AIG executive. (Jim Barach)

A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff’s prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don’t confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer. (Jay Leno)

Police in California are searching for a woman who skipped town after using a fake credit card to purchase breast implants. They describe her as “armed and voluptuous”. Police have set up an 800-number and are looking for “hot tips”. (Jerry Perisho)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

President Obama has now committed $700 million to help beef up U.S. security at the Mexican border. I think most people are pretty surprised by this. “What? We have security at the Mexican border? When did that start?” (Jay Leno)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico’s government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses. (Jimmy Fallon)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Prime Minister Gordon Brown tried to watch the movie DVDs President Obama gave him, but they were the wrong format for Britain. However, the president has a very nice gift to give the prime minister when he goes to London next month to make it up to him. Since Barack Obama became president, twenty states have decided to rejoin the British Empire. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A world record was set Sunday when 756 people lined up in central Brussels to wait for the bathroom. The entire event was sponsored by Depends. (Jerry Perisho)

Lance Armstrong fell off his bike and broke his collarbone and is likely out of the Tour De France. When he heard this, French President Nicolas Sarkozy was so upset he nearly broke his collarbone when he fell off his wife, Carla Bruni. (Alex Kaseberg)

IRAQ & IRAN

Now here’s evidence of actual progress in Iraq. Iraq, as of today, is officially open to tourism. But I was thinking about this. If you want to take a trip, a vacation, to some place where they’ve got sniper fire, dangerous streets, a lot of goat-based food, and random violence, just come to New York City. (David Letterman)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Clerics in Saudi Arabia want to ban pictures of women in newspapers and on TV, even if their faces are hidden with a veil. Gee whiz, when will women over there be allowed to act like women in the rest of the world, and hide their faces with cosmetics? (Bill Mihalic)

In Saudi Arabia, radical clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. This is really bad news for fans of the hit comedy, “How I Met Your Mullah.” (Jimmy Fallon)

A group of Saudi clerics is pressuring the country’s new information minister to ban women from appearing on TV. It’s not a religious thing, they just can’t stand “The View” either. (Todd Long)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

In a move that will cost 300 Americans their jobs, the Federal government announced it will no longer buy American-made condoms made in Alabama. We’re now going to buy cheaper condoms made in China. Does that make any sense? If Chinese condoms are so good, why are there over one billion Chinese people? (Jay Leno)

The country of China is going to be doing a Broadway style play based on Karl Marx’s book on communism. A play based on communism. You know, that’s where capitalism has been replaced by the government taking over control of all private industries. Or as we call in this country, “a stimulus package.” (Jay Leno)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The FDA faced demands to improve food inspections Monday. Last week one banana shipment hid cocaine and another bunch had a spider whose bite causes male arousal. All these warnings that we’re becoming a banana republic didn’t tell us the good part. (Argus Hamilton)

Whole Foods workers in Tulsa found a poisonous Brazilian spider in a crateload of bananas Friday. The venom causes prolonged erections. They’re scary because when somebody must suck the poison out of the bite, you find out who your real friends are. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a physician at the Institute for Reproductive Medicine in New York City, vasectomy consultations are up 48% from this time last year… Just when you thought sperm banks would be the only banks that were going to survive this crisis. (Pedro Bartes)

A software designer who lost a finger had it replaced with a prosthesis made from a USB flash drive. That makes it the first truly digital digit. Until now a “USB finger” was what people used to salute Microsoft. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Nickelodeon’s asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it’s a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. “SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?” (Jimmy Fallon)

SPORTS

President Obama has made his prediction for the Final Four. He made his prediction today. The only ones left standing after next week will be Citigroup, Chase, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley. (Jay Leno)

The top ticket price at the new Yankee Stadium will be $2,625. This shows that a family of four can still go see a ball game for less than $15,000. (Jim Barach)

A front-row seat for just one game at the new Yankee Stadium will cost you — get this — $2,625! And in keeping with the theme, stadium ticket-booth personnel will wear a ski mask and brandish a pistol. (Dwight Perry)

Curt Schilling retired from baseball Monday and stated he’s proud he never put a foreign substance in his body. He may run for Congress. He so clean he hasn’t even been elected yet and already he has been drafted to chair the House Ethics Committee. (Argus Hamilton)

Is there anyone else watching the NCAA tournament thinking that maybe the “Pontiac game-changing performance” should be building a Pontiac Americans actually want to buy? (Janice Hough)

In Augusta, Ga., a golfer searching for an errant tee shot found a half-buried hand grenade just off the eighth fairway. No problem; he blasted his way on to the green. (Jerry Perisho)

A golfer at Augusta (Ga.) Municipal Golf Course — once the site of an Army post — found a half-buried hand grenade while looking for his off-target tee shot. They better add some more bunkers. (Steve Schrader)

Golfer Henrik Stenson stripped down to his underwear to play a shot out of the mud. We may have to start calling it the PG-13 Tour. (David Thomas)

A man lost a tooth to a 16-pound ball in a six-man brawl over bowling etiquette at Rocklin (Calif.) AMF Lanes. Witnesses say the hole in his grille looked eerily like a 7-10 split. (Dwight Perry)

Georgia’s QB Matt Stafford scored an impressive 38 on the NFL’s pre-draft Wonderlic Intelligence test out of a possible 50. 30 on the Wonderlic test is good, scoring below 12 means you think a Wonderlic is the service for which Alex Rodriguez paid hookers. (Alex Kaseberg)

A minor league baseball park in Michigan will sell a 5 patty cheeseburger with 4800 calories. What’s the favorite tradition out at that stadium? The 7th inning defibrillator. (Alan Ray)

The Toronto Blue Jays have had five different opening-day shortstops in GM J.P.Ricciardi’s first seven seasons — and Marco Scutaro is about to make it six. So when they say short stop in Toronto, they’re not kidding. (Dwight Perry)

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants an 18 game season. Two more dates means additional operational expenses for teams. The Oakland Raiders would need more bail money. (Alan Ray)

When Lance Mackey won his third straight Iditarod race from Anchorage to Nome the other day, he actually said: “There’s no place like Nome.” I assume one of his sled dogs is named Toto. (Dwight Perry)

The annual Great American Meatout was last Friday, March 20 across the country. Judging by what I saw, some men forgot this is a diet and education program; not a flasher’s convention. (Jerry Perisho)

ENTERTAINMENT

“Aliens vs. Monsters” is out Friday. A young girl battles space creatures along side a cockroach and a 20,000-year-old fish. Animators got the idea while having lunch at Long John Silver’s. (Alan Ray)

Duplicity starring Clive Owen and Julia Roberts opened huge Thursday. They play two secret agents who swindle two corporations out of billions. In the original script they swindled evil oil sheiks, but the test audiences weren’t mad enough at them. (Argus Hamilton)

Sean Penn, Jim Carrey and Benicio Del Toro have been lined up to star in a new movie based on 1930s comedy icons The Three Stooges. Producers went for those actors because the three congressmen they wanted asked for too much money. (Pedro Bartes)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

David Letterman has finally married longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko. The ceremony had all the traditional symbols. The “something old” was a stupid pet trick. (Alan Ray)

Today Show host Matt Lauer missed work Monday after a bicycle he was riding hit a deer on the road and he went flying over his handlebars and dislocated his collarbone. The deer could be in lots of trouble. Matt Lauer works on an endangered network. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Alex Rodriguez was a frequent customer of the same brothel used by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer; so apparently that brothel specialized in A-Rods and A-Holes. (Alex Kaseberg)

There is a line of cards that features past and present “American Idol” contestants and judges. They have Ryan Seacrest on the Queen of Diamonds.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Alex Rodriguez posed shirtless and kissing himself in the mirror in a magazine layout. Remember when baseball was tough? The only time you would hear about baseball players and mirrors was when they were snorting cocaine. (Pedro Bartes)

Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich has a new gig as a Chicago radio host. The program director probably misunderstood him, because Blagojevich never said he could spend two hours a day on the air; he said he could easily spend two hours a day on his hair. (Pedro Bartes)

Lindsay Lohan has asked Stephen and Daniel Baldwin to help her stay sober. In return, Lindsay promised she will do everything she can to help them stay out of acting. (Tim Hunter)

Anne Hathaway has landed the role of Judy Garland in an upcoming movie, beating out Clay Aiken. (Tim Hunter)

In a Parade magazine interview, Mary Tyler Moore says that laughter is “a gift.” She also said it’s a good way to hide the fact that plastic surgery has pulled the sides of your mouth back to your ears. (Bill Mihalic)

Roseanne Barr is working with a writer from “Arrested Development” to develop a new family sitcom with her as the mother. I think it’s called “Arrested Career.” (Paul Seaburn)

Latino star Elvis Crespo is being investigated after a woman said she saw him masturbating on an airplane en route from Houston to Miami. I blame the airlines; if they didn’t charge for the stupid blankets or the bathrooms nobody would have noticed poor Elvis. (Pedro Bartes)

EDUCATION

Notre Dame will keep President Obama as its upcoming graduation speaker despite his views on abortion and stem cell research. Since Christ wasn’t available, they wanted the other guy who can walk on water. (Jerry Perisho)

More than 100 school districts are considering starting their school classes running from 11:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. because experts believe students will perform better. Besides, it gives them some extra time to frolic in bed with their teachers. (Pedro Bartes)

The state of New Jersey is looking to hire unemployed Wall Street traders as public school teachers. Students in those classes will learn how $170 billion in losses somehow equals a $165 million bonus. (Jake Novak)

Officials at the University of Alberta Hospital in Canada discovered that medical students and residents were using knowledge they gained by watching ER or Grey’s Anatomy instead of the knowledge they gained at med school. That also explained the big number of pregnancies among medical students and residents. (Pedro Bartes)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to a new study published in the “Archives of Sexual Behavior”, when a guy is physically attracted to a woman, he’ll look into her eyes for an average of 8.2 seconds and if he’s not attracted to her, only 4.5 seconds. Unless she’s got a big rack because in that case he won’t look at her eyes at all. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a study by Dr. Michael Dunn, there’s a wide variety of evidence suggesting that females are more superficial than men and are more influenced by wealth and status. Some women were mad and wanted to organize a protest against Doctor Dunn until they found out he is the son of a multimillionaire. (Pedro Bartes)

A Denver man just released a new cell phone application called PMS Budd iPhone that will warn you when your girlfriend or wife is on that time of the month, unlike the old system when you were warned by your wife throwing plates at you. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Tiffany jewelers announced Monday that profits were down seventy-five percent in the fourth quarter. They said they couldn’t sell their high-priced items. A lot of men just decided it was cheaper to get a divorce while the house was worth nothing. (Argus Hamilton)

The Treasury Department’s auto advisor Steven Rattner said Saturday that GM and Chrysler will need billions more to survive. The two automakers have submitted rescue plans that just might work. They’re going to stop making cars and become banks. (Argus Hamilton)

Tesla Motors has rolled out its $49,000 all electric-powered sedan. The car will save motorists thousands in gas prices, but their electric bills will now be about $10,000 a month. (Jake Novak)

OTHER NEWS

A disabled Texas woman uses a seeing-eye horse instead of a dog. Some people have complained because by law she is entitled to walk with the little horse even inside stores. I bet you money that if she had a seeing-eye tiger nobody would dare complain. (Pedro Bartes)

Compiled by Stan Kegel