WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-20-08

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Dubya finally found them, Loafers of Mass Destruction! Maybe now people will understand the dangers of missle toe. (Paul Benoit)

What basic pass-catching rule did Giants receiver Plaxico Burress violate when he shot himself in the leg? He didn’t account for the safety. (Dwight Perry)

To save the economy, we have American know-how. The economy is not getting better no-how. (Gil Stern)

A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors, or as we call it, Social Security. (Jay Leno)

One of the possible victims of hedge fund king Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scam is former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Of course, Spitzer is used to paying a lot just to get screwed. (Jake Novak)

Did you notice that, in just two months, the unemployment rate has reached 20 percent? But enough about NBA coaches. (Dwight Perry)

Snow closed the airport at Las Vegas. I guess OJ Simpson was right, he is going to prison when hell freezes over. (Alex Kaseberg)

And the Feds are thinking of another interest rate cut. If rates go much lower investors will get back less money than they put in. Of course, Americans already have that option, it’s called “Wall Street.” (Janice Hough)

You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. “Free shoes? You betcha!” (Craig Ferguson)

Caroline Kennedy’s wish to be appointed as the junior Senator from New York is causing some controversy. Apparently there is resistance to the idea of having someone get Hillary Clinton’s seat just because of the family name. Instead, they feel a more deserving choice would be Andrew Cuomo. (Janice Hough)

SHOES

President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him. You see what President Bush did to keep from being hit? Something he’s never done before. Lean to the left. (Jay Leno)

W figures he’s like a Marine; first he helped his oil friends land the Haul of Montezuma, and now he’s seen the souls of Triple E! (Robert Stupple)

Anybody who calls President Bush “lame” didn’t see him duck.. (Joe Hickman)

To give you an idea how bad the economy is in Iraq, the shoes that were thrown at Bush came from Payless. (Jay Leno)

One theory regarding the reporter in Iraq who displayed his contempt for President Bush is that it was a form of religious protest. Authorities are trying to determine whether he is a shoe-ni or shoe-ite. (Frank Yuen)

Bush did pretty good. I don’t think Bush really has dodged anything like that since the Vietnam War. (David Letterman)

A guy threw his shoes at President Bush while Bush was in Iraq. If you thought that was the end of it, you’re wrong. Iran has announced plans to develop a long-range loafer. (David Letterman)

President Bush says that he’s actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction. (David Letterman)

This is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season. (Conan O’Brien)

Today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, “Do you have these in black?” And threw them back. (Jay Leno)

Too bad for that guy in Iraq: He wanted to throw shoes that symbolized President Bush, but he didn’t have any loafers. (Alan Ray)

You see how quickly Bush got out of the way? Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes? (Craig Ferguson)

President Bush didn’t really worry about that Iraqi’s shoes: he’s actually relieved he didn’t invade Holland. (Miguel larocca)

President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can’t afford to buy shoes. (Jay Leno)

The Secret service is now suspicious of anyone asking Santa for shoes. (Gil Stern)

That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? I mean, take off one shoe, you throw it. “Oh!” you throw the other shoe, but he had to plan this for months. And he still missed both times! (Jay Leno)

Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC. (Jay Leno)

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president’s farewell trip to Iraq. Now Halliburton was given a concession to open a chain of shoe stores the same day Cheney announced Bush will go on tour in Iraq. (Pedro Bartes)

On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture, and he said, “Let me clarify what happened here.” He said, “In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone’s head is considered an insult.” Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it’s a huge compliment?” (Jay Leno)

GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. Apparently he didn’t realize that congressional positions are not for sale. They can only be rented by lobbyists. (Jake Novak)

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Illinois Senate. He could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. (Conan O’Brien)

Governor Rod Blagojevich refused to step down from office Monday when Illinois lawmakers began impeachment proceedings. It may take awhile. The legislature is trying to come up with the six hundred thousand dollars he’s demanding to resign in disgrace. (Argus Hamilton)

The Illinois state legislature has formed a panel to look into impeaching Governor Rod Blagojevich. Seats on the panel are currently going for $500,000 apiece. (Jake Novak)

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich faces corruption charges. He’s a real hands on state executive. In fact, he’ll soon be making everyone’s license plates. (Alan Ray)

llinois governor Rod Blagojevich laid low Wednesday after he was arrested for trying to sell a U. S. Senate seat. The cameras caught up with him at a local flea market. He was there to get something for his wife but no one would start the bidding. (Argus Hamilton)

The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, “Your check is in the mail!” (Conan O’Brien)

THE ECONOMY

U.S. households are cutting back on debt for the first time ever. It’s amazing how much more financially responsible people become when they no longer have an income. (Jake Novak)

You know the economy is bad when The Jonas Brothers are a better investment than Lehman Brothers and the only Banks with any money is Tyra. (Matt Sullivan)

Oh, the economy is in bad shape, but I tell you, there are some great deals out there. There are still bargains, you know. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois senate seat, $149, marked down from half a million. (Jay Leno)

Wall Street rallied Tuesday when the Federal Reserve reduced interest rates to nothing. The commodities market also jumped. Oil rose to forty-four dollars a barrel on the Chicago Exchange and the price of a U. S. Senate seat soared to over a million two. (Argus Hamilton)

OBAMA & THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

President-elect Obama has chosen Mary Schapiro to be the next SEC Chair. It’s good that Schapiro is getting this job, because she’s lost all her money investing with Bernie Madoff. (Jake Novak)

BUSH & THE OLD ADMINISTRATION

According to an article that just came out in a fitness magazine ., the president often rides a stationary bike on-board Air Force One. That’s true. Advisors say he pedals really hard because he thinks he’s powering the plane. (Conan O’Brien)

That shoe throwing incident at a news conference in Iraq demonstrates one of the truly amazing differences between Pres. Bush and former Pres. Bill Clinton. When Clinton was President, the only apparel he had thrown at him was women’s panties. (Jerry Perisho)

This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, ‘And I’ll really miss being president.’ That was the best part. (Conan O’Brien)

McCAIN & PALIN

John McCain said that Sarah Palin could not necessarily count on his support if she runs for president in 2012. McCain said, “We have some other great young governors out there.” Yeah, too bad he didn’t pick one of them to run with. (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin has a brand new Christmas album. It’s entitled “I Can See Bethlehem From My House.” (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Well, the latest talk is that Caroline Kennedy wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton’s senate seat. In fact, today, Caroline Kennedy got a call from Illinois Governor Roy Blagojevich saying, “How much you willing to pay for it?” (Jay Leno)

Caroline Kennedy sought appointment to New York’s Senate seat Tuesday. There’s nothing wrong with government by bloodlines. Last year Britain banned hereditary seats in the House of Lords as undemocratic, but America left Britain long ago to go our own way. (Argus Hamilton)

Caroline Kennedy says she is interested in being named to the US Senate seat that will be soon vacated by Hillary Clinton. She is preparing for the job by brushing up on foreign policy, gathering a group of potential staffers and shopping for a complete wardrobe of pantsuits. (Jerry Perisho)

“The Nanny” star Fran Drescher says she wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat. Se seems qualified. She’s loud, abrasive and her role as a nanny taught her to work with children. (Jake Novak)

Senator Arlen Specter appalled a crowd of fellow Pennsylvanians Thursday at the Commonwealth Club in New York by telling a string of old Polish jokes. He’s in real trouble. Nobody’s going to believe that Polish jokes are a side effect of chemotherapy. (Argus Hamilton)

Idaho Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to overturn his guilty plea in an airport sex sting case. He didn’t speak at the hearing. He just tapped his foot and gave the judge some hand signals. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says the budget crisis in California is only getting worse. He said it is so bad, we may have to start selling Senate seats here. (Jay Leno)

In New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it’s the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey. (Jay Leno)

As part of the new $121 billion budget, New York Gov. David Paterson has announced a tax on iPods. In related news, everyone still refuses to buy a Zune. (Steve Etheridge)

LOCAL NEWS

It looks like the Detroit Free Press and the Detroit News will eliminate home delivery on most weekdays. Readers looking for depressing news about Detroit will be forced to get it the old-fashioned way, by peeking out the window. (Paul Seaburn)

A New Jersey grocery store refused to make a birthday cake for a 3-year-old child named “Adolf Hitler Campbell.” They also refused to let his parents buy the “EZ Bake Oven” the child so desperately wants. (Todd Long)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

O. J. Simpson was taken away Thursday to Nevada State Prison, forty miles north of Las Vegas. It’s a tough adjustment. O.J.’ s used to a life of cocaine and golf and blondes, but the Nevada State Prison is much different than the Los Angeles County Jail. (Argus Hamilton)

A man named Bernard Madoff, the former chairman of Nasdaq, has been arrested and confessed to Federal officials that he ran a Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors of $50 billion. The name of the Ponzi scheme: Nasdaq. (Jay Leno)

Bernard Madoff scammed $50 billion from his investors. Shouldn’t the first clue have been that his last name is pronounced ‘Made Off’? (Alex Kaseberg)

So a former Nasdaq chairman has been arrested for running a Ponzi scheme. Henry Winkler was quick to deny any involvement. (Nick Coombs)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico City has begun working on expanding its subway system. That’s right. Apparently, they’re adding stops in San Diego and Los Angeles. (Conan O’Brien)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

It’s not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, having to get a real job. (Jay Leno)

Britain says it will be out of Iraq in three months, but they said the same thing about Ireland. (Michael Feldman)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A nude picture of the first lady of France appears on a shopping bag. The French seem to know how to stimulate the economy. (Anand Tatti)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A study says that smarter men may have higher quality sperm. Nerds have better sperm quality? That makes sense. Their sperm samples are better because they are mostly hand produced. (Jake Novak)

A paleobiologist says he has found some of the world’s oldest spider webs. They are at the Univ. of Southern California campus library in the section reserved for football players. (Jerry Perisho)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Thank you for coming out on such a cold day. It is cold, isn’t it? Man, everybody was shivering. It’s like the whole city’s in rehab. (Jay Leno)

They had snow in Las Vegas and they predict it will stick around for a while. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (Tim Hunter)

A cold storm front produced record snowfall in Las Vegas on Thursday. There hasn’t been this much white stuff lying around Vegas since Whitney Houston’s last performance there. (Jerry Perisho)

And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn’t it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren’t used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn’t understand. (Jay Leno)

It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich actually had his hands in his own pockets. (Jay Leno)

A big cold snap has hit the Midwest. In fact, in Illinois, its so cold the governor was only selling heated Senate seats. (Tim Hunter)

They’ve been having record low temperatures in Denver this week. If fact, they say it’s so cold, at this Sunday’s Bronco’s game, they may not even try to start up the Zamboni. (Tim Hunter)

Man, it was freezing across the country this week. It was so cold—as Air Force One was preparing to leave Washington D.C., a guy threw snowshoes at President Bush. (Patrick Gorse)

People living in the Northeastern part of the country are suffering with icy conditions. For many, it is like living through a Bill and Hillary Clinton anniversary dinner. (Jerry Perisho)

SPORTS

How are the New York Giants and the New York Knicks similar? Neither team has players that know how to shoot. (Nick Coombs)

Three-time Grand Slam winner Lindsay Davenport announced she is pregnant and has taken herself out of the Australian Open. Well, it is nice to read that at least someone knows when to pull out early. (Jerry Perisho)

Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow didn’t win his expected second Heisman, despite having the most first-place votes. On a brighter note, he did receive a congratulatory phone call
from Al Gore. (Janice Hough)

The NFL and the players’ union proudly announced they will pay a whopping $100 a month for Medicare costs of players age 65 and over.It seems like a nice gesture until you learn the average life expectancy of an NFL player tops out at around 59. (Tony Augusty)

The Sacramento Kings fired head coach Reggie Theus Monday after a 6-18 start. With Theus’ firing, the most unpopular leader in Sacramento is once again Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Jerry Perisho)

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers, with a 9-14 record, fired their head coach Maurice Cheeks, Saturday. So, once again, the only cheeks basketball fans will be watching during a 76ers game will be attached to the cheerleaders. (Jerry Perisho)

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president’s farewell trip to Iraq. The toss was so quick and powerful that the Yankees have started negotiations to get him for the next season. (Pedro Bartes)

ENTERTAINMENT

Keanu Reeves’ new science-fiction remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still” is No. 1, making $31 million. It’s about a robot who comes to Earth to warn everyone about the consequences of humans destroying the Earth. Didn’t they already make a movie about a robot warning humans? Wasn’t that the Al Gore movie, “An Inconvenient Truth?” (Jay Leno)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?” (Amy Poehler)

The press appears ready to make up for letting Bush get away with 95 months of criminality by holding Obama accountable for any crime committed within a 400 mile radius. (thepoorman.net)

CELEBRITIES

Guy Ritchie will get up to $92 million to settle his divorce from Madonna, her spokeswoman said. Though the judge shot down his plea for joint custody of A-Rod. (Dwight Perry)

Jennifer Aniston is wearing nothing but a tie on the January cover of GQ magazine. The tie covers all of her private parts, which will make GQ readers wish this was the bolero issue. (Paul Seaburn)

Jennifer Aniston is reportedly looking for someone to accompany her to the premiere of her next film. But most guys don’t see a trip to Blockbuster as that much fun. (Todd Long)

Calls to the national domestic violence hotline were up 18% in October. So, it is true, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown got back together. (Pedro Bartes)

Paul Anka was attacked by his wife who threw an ice cube at him. And for the first time in a long time, Paul Anka was cool again. (Pedro Bartes)

EDUCATION

A teacher in England has been fired after she told a class of 7-year-olds there was no Santa Claus, which, ironically, is the same thing Congress told the automakers. (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

A Catholic Cardinal in Chile says that Madonna causes “impure thoughts”. In order to keep his mind on business, he was forced to surround himself with a few extra altar boys. (Jake Novak)

Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Very serious, disturbing, but they are looking for a suspect. They think it’s Joe the arsonist. That’s who they are looking for. (David Letterman)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

More than a fifth of teenage girls say they have sent nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves online to friends, some of which end up on the Internet. Upon hearing that news, computer sales to middle aged men shot up more than 500%. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The Tribune Company has filed for bankruptcy protection. You know your company is in trouble when its most valuable property is the Chicago Cubs (Jake Novak)

eBay canceled a British man’s auction for his soul for a starting bid of $37,600 or a “Buy it now” price of a little over $1 million. The announcement came moments before the president of eBay was turned into a goat. (Paul Seaburn)

The Hasbro toy company has dropped a lawsuit against the makers of an online version of Scrabble. The legal principle involved is “nolle prosequi,” which by the way is worth 122 points with a triple word score with a 50-point bonus for 7 letters or more. (Jerry Perisho)

A company has created an Amber alert for pets. Apparently, they will warn you when Michael Vick gets out of jail. (Pedro Bartes)

The White House is scrambling to create an auto industry bailout. The clock is ticking. If the U.S. auto industry collapses under President Bush, Hank Aaron will come on the JumboTron and congratulate him for breaking Herbert Hoover’s record. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush has approved a $17.4 billion loan for Detroit. True to form, each of the Big 3 automakers immediately invested that money with Bernie Madoff. (Jake Novak)

The Polaroid Company announced recently that it has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. People inside the company with knowledge of the financial situation would only say, “It’s not a pretty picture! ” It was amazing. They created and filed their bankruptcy petition in just 60 seconds. (Jerry Perisho)

The London Daily Telegraph reported that Burger King is out with a barbecue-enhanced cologne for men described as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” (Dwight Perry)

HOLIDAYS

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. Sounds like Exxon Mobil’s worst nightmare, doesn’t it? (Jay Leno)

Christmas is coming. Biblical historians say a true miracle occurred that night 2,000 years ago in the Middle East. No one got blown up. (Alan Ray)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. Doctor is the most admired profession. Yeah. The least admired profession? Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s barber. (Conan O’Brien)

OTHER NEWS

Now here’s something historical. In January, all five living presidents are scheduled to have lunch together. Clinton suggested the VIP room at Hooters. (David Letterman)

Compiled by Stan Kegel