WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In light of recent developments, the famous phrase “Not for all the tea in China” will be changed immediately to “Not for all the T-Bills in China.” (Paul Feehan)

The case is finally coming to court of a North Carolina firm that collected human body parts for transplants, which was closed because the owners kept inaccurate records. It appears the owner just doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Although the owner put his heart and soul into it, he just didn’t have a good head for business. (Jerry Perisho)

So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, “Wow! There really hasn’t been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.” (David Letterman)

There was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. They are calling it the city’s biggest snow job since that stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

I’ll miss New York but both New York and California have their downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets.” (Conan O’Brien, whose NBC show is relocating to Los Angeles)

President Obama says it’s only the “rich few” who oppose his spending plan. What he meant to say was that after his plan is enacted, only a few of us will be rich. (Jake Novak)

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government’s “Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.” (Jay Leno)

Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s monthly batting averages, March to October, for the 2008 season: 1.000, .305, .293, .264, .236, .193, .178, .100. No word on whether he answers to the nickname of “Stock Market.” (Dwight Perry)

Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He’s enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama’s policies is Rush Limbaugh. (Argus Hamilton)

Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, “Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?” Have you seen Rush lately? (Jay Leno)

According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges. (Craig Ferguson)

The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college kids want to play in the snow this week they don’t have to go to Mexico and get killed trying to buy some. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

I’ll tell you how bad the economy is. Listen, I was in Beverly Hills, and I saw a guy driving an American car. (Jay Leno)

President Obama is saying it’s a good time to buy stocks. So here’s what you do. Instead of that latte you buy in the morning, pick yourself up a thousand shares of G.M. (David Letterman)

Today, I went to the ATM to get $20, and the machine spit out 20 shares of Citibank, and some change. (Jerry Perisho)

And the Federal Reserve chairman said today that the $700 billion bailout of the banks is not going to be enough money. When did the Federal Reserve become like a car mechanic, you know? “Yeah, we can get the economy running for maybe $700 billion, but there’s no guarantee it’s not gonna stall out on you.” (Jay Leno)

Rhianna and Chris Brown are back together. Not everything is bad for Rhianna; at least she is going to get sunglasses endorsement. (Pedro Bartes)

Star magazine is hinting that Rhianna and Chris Brown got already married because they saw a minister entering the mansion where they both were staying in Miami. Not to be pessimistic but knowing Chris Brown, the minister could have been called to give the final rites. (Pedro Bartes)

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation is warning that its deposit insurance fund could go broke this year. So, the only deposits that you need not worry about are at your sperm bank and inside your carotid arteries. (Jerry Perisho)

I’m worried about this recession. Opportunity knocked and asked if I could spare a few bucks. (Gil Stern)

The Dow Jones numbers are so low today they were made an honorary NBC affiliate. That’s how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)

Today, president Obama said that buying stocks could be a good deal. It’d better be; we just bought 36% of City Bank stocks. (Pedro Bartes)

President Obama said Tuesday stocks are so low this is a good time to buy. Three trillion dollars of personal wealth has disappeared since he got elected. The unemployment rate will skyrocket now that everybody who’s retired is looking for a job. (Argus Hamilton)

The economy is so bad, I saw Bill Maher in church praying, and later, I saw Warren Buffett buying lottery tickets. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Barack Obama declared in his Saturday address he came to Washington to provide the sweeping changes the people of the United States demanded by electing him. He believes it’s morally right to soak the rich because they’re feasting on the ill-gotten gains of colonialism. He’s bored with being Jesus, he’s decided to be Gandhi. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama may be losing it. Yesterday he signed a stimulus package for the Edsel. (Bill Williams)

How about that President Obama? Over the weekend he went to a basketball game, went to see the Bulls and the Wizards. And I thought, well, hell, if he’d gone to a Knicks game, he could have played. (David Letterman)

Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan. (Jimmy Fallon)

President Obama telephoned former President Bush in Dallas Friday to brief him about his plans to withdraw United States troops from Iraq. The call was merely a courtesy. If he really wanted an expert on pullouts he would have called Bill Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

Some say Obama is arrogant. Yeah, but he’s smart. We already tried arrogant and stupid. And that didn’t work. (Will Durst)

Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It’s great. It’s much nicer than the one George Bush used. (Jimmy Fallon)

President Obama put a swing set on the south grounds of the White House for his kids Wednesday. This brought back some great memories for comedians. The last time there was a swing set at the White House, Monica Lewinsky pulled the plaster out of the Oval Office ceiling. (Argus Hamilton)

You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here’s the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn’t cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney’s guard tower. (David Letterman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Our new Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is working very hard traveling all over the world. She’s been to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, Israel, or as Bill calls it, “spring break! Yeah!” (Jay Leno)

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s chief medical correspondent, has withdrawn his name from consideration as surgeon general of the United States. Apparently, when he took a look at Biden and Pelosi, he realized how much work he was going to have to do. (Pedro Bartes)

The President’s latest nominee, this one for U. S. trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That’s what the paper said today. He’s agreed to pay them. When was there a choice? (Jay Leno)

U.S. Trade Representative nominee Ron Kirk owes the IRS ten thousand dollars, an error disclosed Monday by the Senate Finance Committee considering his nomination. Another one of these pop up every week. Apparently Friday is casual tax day at the White House. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama officially named Gov. Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas as his choice for health secretary. Her first order of business will be to find a cure for peanut butter. (Paul Seaburn)

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner testified in front of the House Ways and Means Committee Tuesday. He told them the administration is gearing up to go after tax evaders. Did he ever get a cold shoulder when he showed up at the next cabinet meeting. (Argus Hamilton)

TAXES

Many Democrats are not sure President Obama’s plan to raise taxes on the wealthy will work. Among the most doubtful are wealthy Democrats. (Todd Long)

Rich Americans are suing Swiss bank UBS to keep their names secret. The government wants the names of account holders who are avoiding taxes. Apparently releasing the names could completely wipe out the Obama Cabinet. (Jim Barach)

Governor Schwarzenegger is raising California’s taxes by $12 billion. Or, as Arnold calls it, “two Jerry Bruckheimer movies.” (Todd Long)

THE CONGRESS

Congress is pushing through a new $410 billion omnibus spending bill that includes millions of dollars for driftwood cleanup on the Potomac. American taxpayers would be more supportive of a bill that cleans up the deadwood on the Potomac known as Congress. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says he may turn down $100 Million in stimulus funds from the Federal Government. Congress is threatening to investigate him. A politician turning down money could set a bad precedent for everyone else. (Jim Barach)

West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill which bans Barbie doll sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette, and that only happens when Republicans control Congress. (Argus Hamilton)

Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval ratings have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state. (Jimmy Kimmel)

One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t one of them. (Craig Ferguson)

Georgia law enforcement agents Tuesday arrested members of an assisted suicide group called the Final Exit Network. It’s against the law in Georgia to help someone commit suicide. If they want to eat the peanut butter you can’t open the jar for them. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

New Yorkers were reported Friday to be bottling the city’s tap water and selling it for two dollars a bottle. It’s pumped from the upstate Hudson River and always voted America’s best drinking water. This year’s bouquet offers just a hint of airline fuel. (Argus Hamilton)

Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a bone, the dog has to signal for a fair catch. (Argus Hamilton)

A Massachusetts man has been fined $500 for attacking a Chuck E. Cheese mascot. The judge says the next offense will be more punitive. It could mean up to five days in the restaurant. (Alan Ray)

Los Angeles County Supervisors on Monday designated the first week of March as No Cussing Week. Good luck. It’s not going to work as long as the cable news channels keep that running stock market ticker in the lower right hand corner of the TV screen. (Argus Hamilton)

Authorities report that a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald’s employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets. The cops said they could not respond to such frivolous calls, unless donuts were involved. (Marv Kaminsky)

Los Angeles police talked down a naked man who was threatening to jump off the cross atop a church steeple Sunday. He’s lucky a cop happened along. Nudity’s been the official religion of Los Angeles for so long that nobody even noticed him up there. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEMOCRATS

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it’s an autobiography. (Jay Leno)

Ousted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has made a deal to write a book. But anyone wanting to read it will first have to make a $10,000 campaign donation. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Republican Party said it would donate Sarah Palin’s $150,000 wardrobe to a needy cause. That’s nice, that’s nice. They looked around. It turns out the neediest cause is the Republican Party. (Jimmy Fallon)

This past weekend, the Conservative Political Action Conference picked Mitt Romney over Sarah Palin in their straw poll to be the next presidential candidate. Yeah. Well, it’s kind of interesting. I mean, one is just a pretty face, obsessed with makeup and hair. And the other, of course, is the governor of Alaska. (Jay Leno)

Security problems are delaying newspaper delivery to President Bush’s new home in Dallas. That’s great. After eight years of being President, NOW he wants to start reading the paper. (Jim Barach)

Do you remember Vice President Dick Cheney? Well, listen to this. Cheney has now been invited to speak at the American Museum of Fly Fishing. After his speech, he’s going to demonstrate how to waterboard a trout. (David Letterman)

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body. (David Letterman)

Rush Limbaugh said today that he was rooting for the planet Earth to explode because it would help the GOP retake the White House. Mr. Limbaugh explained that if the world blows up in the next four years “it will happen on Barack Obama’s watch. Let’s face it, the world exploding would be great for the GOP and Barack Obama knows it. That’s why he is doing everything in his power to keep the planet from blowing up.” (Andy Borowitz)

Rush Limbaugh says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I’m thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don’t know about a debate. (David Letterman)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The White House said Thursday the U. S. government will stop raiding medical marijuana clinics in places where it’s legal. Reaction was swift. The next day Michael Phelps said he had a doctor’s prescription to go to that party in South Carolina last month. (Argus Hamilton)

In Ohio, a woman was arrested for driving while breast-feeding her baby. She was charged with child endangerment and the lesser charge of impersonating Britney Spears. (Alex Kaseberg)

A man in California was arrested when he arrived to take the Police Department entrance exam. Investigators identified him as a suspect in the robbery of a Kmart. They noticed he had a discount price on his head. (Doug Austen)

Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scheme that screwed $50 billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I’ve got a solution for that, O.K.? It’s called the death penalty. (Jay Leno)

Bernie Madoff is asking the federal court to allow him to keep his Manhattan penthouse. Madoff is arguing that if he loses his home, he might run out of places to hide all his stolen money. (Jake Novak)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

National Intelligence Council chairman nominee Charles Freeman was brought up for questioning by Congress Wednesday over controversial past statements he’s made. He was quoted calling the occupation of conquered land an act of violence. His nomination is in limbo until he clarifies whether he meant Iraq or Israel or America. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA’s torture methods this week. It’s a seminar. President Obama wants to learn how to get honest answers when he asks his Commerce Secretary nominees if they have ever done anything illegal. (Argus Hamilton)

The Senate announced plans this week to probe CIA torture during the Bush administration. We now know that waterboarding just doesn’t work. Wall Street has been under water since September and bankers still won’t say what they did with the money. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MILITARY

President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, “Thank you, but the economy’s better over here, so we’re going to stay.” (Jimmy Fallon)

NASA & SPACE

Cal Tech confirmed Wednesday that a giant flying asteroid whizzed close to the earth last week. It was a near disaster. Had it destroyed the earth, mankind’s last thought would’ve been that we really didn’t need separate garbage cans for recyclables. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA will launch the Kepler spacecraft, mounted with the biggest telescope ever, later today. Its mission is to find Earth-like planets in the Milky Way… and then ask them for $500 trillion to bail us out. (Jake Novak)

Australia’s astronomers last week spotted a forty-yard-wide asteroid whistling past the earth’s atmosphere in plain view. Americans weren’t surprised to hear about it. In this economy even God was trying to catch the eye of NFL scouts at the combine. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro was reported Friday to have taken a walk through Havana last week looking healthier than he has in years. He certainly must feel vindicated. Barack Obama used his ideas to get elected and Bill Clinton used his cigars to get impeached. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives today for a meeting with President Obama. A month ago Obama ejected Churchill’s bust from the Oval Office over differences in policy. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and tears, and Barack Obama doesn’t require toil. (Argus Hamilton)

Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced Wednesday that Queen Elizabeth is giving a knighthood to Teddy Kennedy. It’s well-deserved. The Kennedy men have been on their very best behavior ever since pepper spray was invented to make it a fair fight. (Argus Hamilton)

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with President Obama to devise a Global New Deal to provide food, supplies and prosperity to people in every country. How did the Third World wind up on welfare so fast? Just last week they had all our factory jobs. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It’s almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife. (Jimmy Fallon)

IRAQ & IRAN

For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil. (Jimmy Fallon)

Yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe. (Craig Ferguson)

Saddam Hussein’s cousin Chemical Ali was given a death sentence for the third time Monday by a tribunal in Iraq. He was in charge of building Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire a relative if you really want the job done. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. See, apparently, we ran out of banks in this country to bail out. So now we’re bailing out the West Bank as well. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton flew to the Middle East Monday to deliver nine hundred million dollars to the Palestinian Authority. The money is for construction projects. Everywhere Hamas operates there’s a building boom, just not necessarily in that order. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Journal Science said Monday you can pre-select a baby’s eye color and intellect and athleticism with DNA before an embryo is implanted. How scary. In nine months, Nadya Suleman could break her own record by giving birth to the L.A. Dodgers starting line-up. (Argus Hamilton)

Scientists say the hydrogen sulphide smell of rotten eggs is arousing to men and could create an alternative to Viagra. So, when your team plays so poorly that the hometown fans throw rotten eggs at you, there’s an up side! (Jerry Perisho)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

President Obama overturned a Bush administration regulation Monday that limited protection for endangered species. He doesn’t want anything to go extinct while he’s in office. He may have to cut taxes to protect the habitat of the endangered investor. (Argus Hamilton)

A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would’ve been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to. (Craig Ferguson)

There is so much snow in New York, Alex Rodriguez had his cousin inject anti-freeze into his butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I’m sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. (David Letterman)

It was so cold in New York Alex Rodriguez got back with Madonna just for the hot flashes. (Alex Kaseberg)

Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped. (David Letterman)

Today, they unveiled a totally new method of snow removal. What they do, is they put A. I. G. in charge of it and the snow just disappears. (Jay Leno)

SPORTS

New York Yankees executives worked the phones around the clock Friday trying to sell luxury boxes in the new Yankee Stadium. The clock’s ticking. If they’re not all occupied by opening day, Barney Frank is going to move homeless people into them. (Argus Hamilton)

Doctors say New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez has a torn labrum in his right hip that may require surgery. Doctors say they may want to operate, but A-Rod’s cousin says he has some stuff from the Dominican that will fix it in no time. (Jerry Perisho)

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner signed a two-year deal Wednesday for four million dollars a year. He also gets a fifteen million dollar bonus. It’s not clear what he’s done to deserve such a bonus, he hasn’t run one company into the ground. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles Dodgers fans flooded the team office with ticket requests Wednesday when the team signed Manny Ramirez for forty-five million dollars. Now he’s besieged by fans wherever he goes. The whole town is thrilled to have a buyer who can qualify. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick was scheduled Friday to be released from prison in May. The worm has turned. Just a year ago Michael Vick was reviled for arranging dogfights, and today he is admired as the last man in America who knows how to make money in a hurry. (Argus Hamilton)

The local economy here in Los Angeles is improving, especially if your name is Manny Ramirez. Ramirez signed a two-year, $45 million deal with pro baseball’s Los Angeles Dodgers. And Ramirez played hardball for that money. He told the Dodgers that if they did not give him the money he was asking for, he was going to leave and go over to A. I. G., who has plenty of dough. (Jay Leno)

The Dallas Cowboys have released wide receiver Terrell Owens. For the Cowboys, the move frees up $34 million in salary cap money and $980 billion in Prozac costs through 2010. (Jake Novak)

New England Patriots star Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen in Santa Monica on Friday. She’s a German supermodel and he’s the handsomest quarterback who ever lived. They’re going to live in a bomb shelter and breed a race of perfect people. (Argus Hamilton)

Darryl Strawberry says he would have used performance-enhancing drugs, but there’s only so many hours in a day. (Fark.com)

Just wondering, if Alex Rodriguez needs a hip operation, who does he ask to perform the surgery — the team doctor, or A-Rod’s cousin? (Dwight Perry)

Michael Vick was ordered under house arrest Friday after doing his prison time for dogfighting. This could work out for him. When the house goes into foreclosure and the marshals come to evict him he can say that he’s got a court order to be there. (Argus Hamilton)

Vijay Singh wore the hat and logo of Stanford Financial Group at the Accenture Match Play Championship, despite the firm’s shutdown by SEC regulators on suspicion of pulling an eight billion dollar fraud. Perhaps he hadn’t yet heard. Vijay’s new financial adviser looked at his books and advised him to go home to India and try to get on a game show. (Argus Hamilton)

Ex-NASCAR driver and crew chief Dean Combs faces charges after a 300-gallon still was found on his property near North Wilkesboro Speedway. Alcohol and firearms agents figured the still was his the instant they spotted the restrictor plate on it. (Wilkes (N.C.) Journal-Patriot)

On reports that swimmer Michael Phelps hides out in strip clubs to avoid photographers: “Get shot by paparazzi outside or Plaxico Burress inside.” (Gregg Drinnan)

On the possibility of the 0-16 Lions taking Wake Forest linebacker Aaron Curry with the first pick in the NFL draft: “For him, that would be like going from the Wake to the funeral.” (Steve Schrader)

Struggling to find a sponsor for the Kansas Speedway’s event this fall, Nascar announced it will be called the “Price Chopper 400 Presented by Kraft Foods”. And you thought event names couldn’t get any cheesier! (Jerry Perisho)

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen got married in a private ceremony. Guests could tell the couple have been spending a lot of time together because Gisele threw the bouquet 60 yards. (Paul Seaburn)

Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an athlete’s on-field performance can actually be improved just by having family in the stands. It is true, when A-Rod has his cousin around, he gets a lot better. (Pedro Bartes)

ENTERTAINMENT

I hear they are making a movie about the rip-off artists who perpetrate Ponzi schemes: Scumdog Millionaire (Harry Farkas)

Siegfried and Roy headed back to the stage for a one-night-only comeback performance, but the old act just wasn’t what it used to be. For instance, instead of sticking his head in a tiger’s mouth, Roy stuck his head in a box of Frosted Flakes. (Bill Williams)

In a reality show shocker, “The Bachelor” chose one woman, but then weeks later changed his mind. And John McCain said, “You can do that?” (Janice Hough)

“Watchmen” is out in theaters. A plot is uncovered that would destroy all superheroes. Each is lent a subprime mortgage. (Alan Ray)

Siegfried and Roy returned to the Las Vegas stage Sunday with the Bengal tiger Montecore who mauled Roy onstage six years ago. The tiger seemed happy to be back on the main stage. Due to the economic crisis they were only feeding him lounge comics. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

California Assemblyman Joel Anderson asked Google to blur the satellite images of Los Angeles available on the Internet. There are security concerns. Revealing what Californians look like in the back yard is a breach of actor-God confidentiality. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman was offered one million dollars to star in a porno film Wednesday and the next day she was seen shopping for a million dollar home in fashionable Westwood. No one’s upset. In this market, a buyer’s a buyer. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman turned down an offer of free child care and a place to live Friday after the facility refused to allow cameras in for a reality show. She’s already hooked on media attention. Ten years from now, the Democrats will be moaning about the sentencing disparity between powdered celebrity and crack celebrity. (Argus Hamilton)

Octomom Nadya Suleman says it was out-of-control hormones that prompted her to place a frantic 911 call when one of her kids wandered off. She was injected with over-the-counter Dominican hormones by Alex Rodriguez’s cousin. (Jerry Perisho)

In honor of Nadya Suleman the mother of the octuplets, Denny’s is offering a new breakfast meal: You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill. (via Tim Hunter)

It’s being reported that the octomom’s home is in danger of foreclosure. Apparently, the family is getting pretty desperate for money. I understand three of her kids are already working for Nike. (Jay Leno)

Meghan McCain, John McCain’s daughter, said she’s tired of constantly dating guys who are obsessed with how great her father is. Fortunately for her, she already dated all three of them. (Jimmy Fallon)

Word is that Bill Gates has banned all Apple computer products from his home. To counter, Apple founder Steven Jobs doesn’t allow any of his computers to run slow or display blue screens of death. (Tim Hunter)

EDUCATION

Universities are issuing travel advisories to students to stay out of Mexico on spring break. Apparently school officials feel that drunk and naked coeds are much safer staying in the U.S. (Jim Barach)

Several states are offering parents and kids the choice between sex ed classes that stress abstinence or classes that promote contraception. But most kids are opting for the classes with less science and math. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

James Dobson has resigned as chairman of the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family. Apparently he wants to spend less time with his family. (Paul Seaburn)

HISTORY

On this day in 1644 Massachusetts became the first colony to have a legislative body composed of two chambers. Congress has two chambers. When one chamber votes for a bill that will benefit the nation, it’s the other chamber’s job to vote against it. (Comedy Calendar)

The first corn flakes cereal was served to Dr. John Kellogg’s patients at a Battle Creek, Michigan, mental institution on this day in 1897. The mental patients loved Kellogg’s corn flakes. You might say they were crazy about it. (Comedy Calendar)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A Russian man died after downing a bottle of Viagra to have sex with two women. The family was forced to have an open casket funeral. (Pedro Bartes)

According to researchers from Harvard Business School, the state with the highest number of porn subscribers is Utah. I guess when you start getting tired of wife number nine you need to resort to a different kind of stimulation. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a new study by a Harvard Business School professor, when it comes to online pornography, 8 of the top 10 porn-consuming states voted Republican in 2008. Republicans watch more pornography than Democrats. So, apparently, while they were voting for McCain, they were fantasizing about Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The White House released statistics Friday showing that unemployment could soon reach ten percent nationwide. The big cities are hit hardest. Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a bone, the dog has to signal for a fair catch. (Argus Hamilton)

The Irish airline Ryanair may install pay lavatories. This could change flight protocol dramatically. It would bring new meaning to the term “holding pattern.” (Alan Ray)

Discount airline Ryanair is considering pay toilets on its flights. $1 per use. The best thing to do would be not drinking any liquids before flying with them… or, you could just be pissing away your money. (Tim Hunter)

Ryanair says it may start charging passengers on its flights $1.40 to use the restroom. However, they say they will provide all the free water anyone can drink for the entire flight. (Jim Barach)

GM lost $9.6 Billion in the fourth quarter of 2008. Why are they still making cars? They could cut their losses by just paying workers to sit around and save money by not buying any car parts. (Jim Barach)

Bank of America canceled a deal to sponsor Yankee Stadium on Friday. The bank feared negative publicity after taking bailout money. Every time the grounds crew pulled the tarp over the field it would just remind taxpayers they are getting soaked. (Argus Hamilton)

Citigroup agreed to a plan Friday that will allow the federal government to own thirty-six percent of all common shares in the bank. Shareholders don’t know what to do. The stock is so watered down even Las Vegas bartenders are refusing to sell it. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. government will provide troubled insurance giant AIG another $30 billion. AIG executives are promising to spend this money much more wisely by making less risky investments and using discount hookers. (Jake Novak)

After reporting a 48 percent drop in car sales, a Ford spokesman said, “We’re building a foundation for future growth.” Which is good because they’ve already dug the hole. (Robert Stupple)

Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they’ll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question. (Jimmy Fallon)

Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1 place on the web for things that have already been invented. (Jimmy Fallon)

OTHER NEWS

One of the new 44-cent stamps features a pair of wedding rings. But about half the people who lick them will get a really bad taste in their mouths. (Jerry Perisho)

A man living in a cave in Missouri faces foreclosure. The question is, who is this guy’s mortgage broker? (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel