GOODBYE, WORLD!

No, don’t have a heart attack, I am not bidding a piqued adieu, this year-end, to the world.
I am telling you about how scientists envisage the end of the world.
Read this article for details.

1. Dr. Ray Jayawardhana, Canada Research Chair in Observational Astrophysics at the University of Toronto, explains what will happen when the expanding sun engulfs the earth and roasts the planet.

2. Dr. Vicki Kaspi, a Professor of Physics at McGill University, explores the irradiating effects of a giant gamma ray burst.

3. Dr. Laura Ferrarese, a Senior Researcher at the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, suggests that a rogue black hole may set its voracious appetite on Earth.

4. Dr. Peter Brown, a researcher with the Meteor Physics Group at the University of Western Ontario, tells us what will happen if a giant asteroid plunges into Earth and pulverizes us.

5. Dr. Richard Peltier, Director of the Centre for Global Change Science at the University of Toronto, has a chilling scenario: the earth becomes a Popsicle planet and puts a freeze on photosynthesis.

I am simply amazed at the level of their imagination. They need to eat some Punjabi tandoori food to give them some fire in the belly and some material for fermentation.

How about we try our own list of how the earth will meet its end:

1. The Chinese take a monopoly position in the toothpaste market. The toothpaste contains radioactive poisons that cause destruction of the teeth and gums of the entire populace. The resulting misery leads to an inability to eat, in spite of the world having overcome the subprime crisis, Keynesian bailout economics and the Pakistani hallucinatory crisis, among others, and having a food surplus to boot (no pun intended). Hunger destroys the planet.

2. Manmohan Uncle becomes Indian Prime Minister again. In an ambitious move to make his own name immortal, he launches an ambitious campaign to make crow the international food of the world. He succeeds. The world eats these every day, and everyone dies of diarrheal diseases or drowning. Bird flu gets eradicated because there are no birds, only birdbrains.

3. Shah Rukh Khan gets an Oscar for Best Actor, and most of the world dies by choking while laughing hysterically. Upon hearing about the award to the undisputed Numb-er One , Aamir Khan gets convulsions while doing his 1000th decline push-up, slips down and drowns in his own sweat, but forgets to die.

4. Barack Obama is caught in a double sting–smoking and using bad English during an off-the-record interview with the New York Times for an article quoting “highly placed sources in the White House” on how Hillary Clinton is power-obsessed and a control freak. The world gets a cerebral hemorrhage. US citizens, now enjoying the benefits of ‘free’ medicine, are all living in hospitals. They get strokes, too, but don’t die because they are kept indefinitely on life support. It’s free, after all!

5. You tell the rest of us how you think the world is going to end. Or say something vacuous and irrelevant, like a Minister. This season, you are forgiven for everything. Even for bad blogging.

34 responses to “GOODBYE, WORLD!

  1. Anderson Cooper finally comes out of the closet and tells everyone that he and Michael Phelps are an item. ๐Ÿ˜›

  2. Ruhi:
    Harharhar! What would he say, “We get along swimmingly!”??

  3. CNN (IBN) starts a new 7×24 Situation Room on Bollywood hosted by Wolf Blitzer, and bores to death every living creature within the reach of its electromagnetic waves.

  4. Ha ha ha ha, Gandhi Family finally relinquish powers back to Indias’ amm admi and aurat and the both is so confused they all commit suicide and whole of India is wiped on the map and this sudden weight imbalance crushes the earth and End of the World LOL ๐Ÿ˜€

  5. Pingback: The Awards Cometh | amreekandesi.com

  6. TRF:
    Wolf or that chatterbox: I forget his name… obnoxious character!

  7. how about a more modest explanation? Say like,vishu takes his 10th avatar ? But i suspect even if that is the case,SRK winning a horror-scar will kill it/him/her….

  8. Rahul Gandhi becomes Prime Minister. The End.

  9. Even better. Mayawati becomes Prime Minister.

  10. My wife finds out I had 2 pepperoni and cheese pizzas for lunch today (the world would end for ME at any rate)

  11. rofl@Naren! hahaha ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. 8 straight years of George W Bush. Britany Spears. Laloo Prasad Yadav. The younger, horsier, version of Randhir Kapoor in skimpy clothes. Sh-sh-sh-sharuk Ham Khan. Wars without a valid reason. Barkha Dutt. Him-esh (more like Her-esh) Re(n)sha(n)mmi(n)ya with his doberman & black cap. Parochial views of petty politicians. Journalists using sloppy grammar; writers using โ€˜r u der wid me/u wanna cum wid me?โ€™ in published articles. People afraid to call that lovely, useful digging implement by its name out of fear of political incorrectness. Terror and hatred.

    We have callously been able to live through all this โ€“ like roaches after a nuclear blast โ€“ and multiply like them too. If our living indifference and dead souls arenโ€™t proof of the end of the world already, I doubt an official end would really go noticed.

    Oh wait a minute. If peace and order is restored, people respect each other more, Bollywood stops questioning the viewersโ€™ intelligence, and politicians pull up their socks, and everything magically becomes what it should ideally be โ€“ the world might just end out of sheer shock. Too much to handle.

    -g

  13. My fear is that there is going to be less and less oxygen to breathe and we will die of carbon poisoning and there is going to be no place for us to biodegrade peacefully even after that as the earth gets covered with more and more plastic.

  14. Mayawati decides that she will use her extortion racket to collect money for Mulayam Singh’s birthday party because she is too sad to celebrate her birthday due to Mumbai terror attack.
    Amar Singh deserts bade bhaiya and joins the Shahrukh camp.
    Mamta Bannerjee decides that she will never take part in any bandh, demonstration or chakka jam ever.
    Lalloo Yadav announces that he or any other member of his family will never hold any position of power.
    MF Hussain decides that he will never walk bare foot ever again.

  15. Vishesh:
    Who’s Vishu: YOU?
    Nita:
    You have any doubt about that? I don’t.
    AD:
    I hope I don’t see the day.
    Naren:
    Hahaha!
    Rads:
    He is pricelessly witty, true!
    Gauri:
    Thanks for a cool comment.
    Usha:
    Plastic? Please, don’t take environmentalists so seriously! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Prerna:
    And when all these things happen, the world will end?! Or this was one of the semi-irrelevant comments I invited?! ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. If we all woke up one day and realize our inability to access our emails, SNS, Chat services and WP blog ๐Ÿ˜€ Free entertainment gone? The extinction of humanity.

  17. So you truly believe that if Mayawati throws Mulayam a birthday party, the world will survive the shock? Wow, I thought I was an optimist. ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. “You tell the rest of us how you think the world is going to end”
    After reading your blogs Sir jee..lol

    P.S: I know you have great sense of humor. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  19. @ Gauri:

    (Whew!!!) … That was quite a heavy dose of reading for the morning after a Christmas Eve party (no I did not attend Mass). Now, if Shefaly can add quotations, footnotes, citations etc. it can become a suitable article for publication in a peer-reviewed journal (not this blog ๐Ÿ™‚ but I do have some contacts in Sage). I’d be happy to volunteer as a peer, but don’t think I stand a chance against such heavyweight competition ๐Ÿ™‚ .

  20. Kiran:
    That IS a very limited immobile view of the world, I must say. There is something to be said about taking digital pleasure a little too far!
    Prerna:
    Politicians don’t shock us any more, do they?
    Dev:
    Alas! You overestimate my influenza!
    Vivek:
    I copy pasted your comment on Goggle Schoolar and the response was “Premum Cantend: please purr, chase this article, or log in. Alternatively, log out.

  21. Karan Johar join hands with Ram Gopal Verma and makes Dosti ki Aag. The whole nation commits suicide thus starting a world war for the occupation of the Indian soil, which in turn kills everyone else. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  22. Ha ha. Bad blogging is forgiven -> I can survive!

    HERE’S mine:-
    Pakistan and Afghanistan combine to become Talibanistan.

  23. Vivek S. Khadpekar

    Doc:

    I did issue a disclaimer about my limitations, but still you had to put me through the shredder ๐Ÿ˜ฆ . And to aggravate matters, you forgot to close the quotation, so I don’t know whether the alternative is offered by you or by said Goggle Schoolar.

    Anyway, I managed to pull the shreds together and become my whole self again. And the first thought to cross my mind after reassembly was that your peers must (re)view you “through a glass, darkly”, but in a sense quite opposed to that of 1 Corinthians 13.

    And with that, I (b)log out.

  24. @Vivek:

    Uhhโ€ฆare you calling a comment full of Himesh, Kareena, SRK, Britany, Dubya & Laloo *heavyweight*? (Alright, maybe Kareena could make the mark :P) I would’ve asked “what has the world come to?!”, but that’s what this is about ๐Ÿ˜

    But seriously, unless the Xmas hangover wasnโ€™t an excuse, you just strengthened my point, if not proved it ๐Ÿ˜‰

    And just for that, you get a cookieโ€ฆMerry Xmas ๐Ÿ™‚

    -g

    PS: (Speaking of cookies, doc, you sure are a smart one :D)

  25. @ Gauri:

    I waste my smileys on the desert air.
    In fact, although I am no geek or nerd,
    Let me confess that other than that Bush
    (Years back we had a radio by that name)
    And Laloo (was our dhobi’s dog at home),
    The rest that figure in your list of names
    I have no clue on who the hell they are.

    SRK is “Survival Rescue Knife” —
    Part of every commando’s basic kit.
    But I don’t get the context of it here
    Unless, as you rhetorically ask:
    “What has the world come to?” Is that your woe?

    I guess they are all very famous names —
    Honourable, like Brutus, all of them,
    Whom all are expected to know about
    And to aspire to warmly shake their hands
    On earth or where’er else they have their niche.

    Finally, since I don’t quite get the point
    That you were making, I’ve no clue of what
    I’ve strengthened or have proved, beyond the fact
    That I am rather ill-informed on things
    That seem to matter if one must get by.

    And yes, coming down from verse to worse … er … when and where can I collect my cookie? I hope it’s nice and crunchy, not soft and crumbly, and that it is low on baking powder.

    Season’s greetings

  26. @ Doc:

    May I trouble you to delete the extra “no” in line 2 above?

  27. Vivek:

    I’d respond to each line, Sirjee
    Had I had the patience or energy

    But for now, let’s leave it & decide it’ fine
    (Besides, it’s doc’s space, not yours or mine ๐Ÿ™‚ )

    As for the cookie – just go to any site
    When asked “allow this cookie?”, click ‘yes’, and take the byte ๐Ÿ˜‰

    -g

  28. Vivek:
    Done so, and added an ‘s’ to ‘unless’.
    She possibly means she will clear the cookies in her PC that pertain to you….

  29. @ Doc:

    Sorry to be such a bother, but in line 11, I’ve misspelt “unless”. Please add the extra ‘s’.

  30. Doc: Crossed wires. Thanks!

  31. @ gauri, doc:

    So that’s the way the cookie crumbles, eh?
    And here I was, licking my chops in hope
    Of some delicious, scrumptious, tasty bit ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  32. Gauri:
    Your couplets were awesome!

  33. Vivek S. Khadpekar

    Doc:

    “…clear the cookies…” as in clear them out (i.e. block them) or as in issuing a clearance allowing them through?

  34. Goodbye cruel world,
    I’m leaving you today.
    Goodbye,
    Goodbye,
    Goodbye.

    Goodbye, all you people,
    There’s nothing you can say
    To make me change my mind.
    Goodbye.
    (Pink Floyd)
    Dan, http://danmihalache.wordpress.com

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