WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-14-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Monday is President’s Day. Legend has it George Washington heaved a silver dollar across the Potomac. To commemorate the event, this week Congress will throw lots of money away. (Alan Ray)

Money talks and taxes are how it eats its own words. (Gil Stern)

Spring training is just around the corner. Next week, pitchers and catchers and pharmacists report. (Gary Loewen)

Michael Phelps relationship with Kellogg’s has gone up in smoke. (Tim Hunter)

I just noticed that if you divide the 2009 FDA budget by the population of the US, you get $6.25, exactly enough to buy every American a bulk pack of Keebler’s Cheese and Peanut Butter Crackers. Coincidence? I think not! (Paul Benoit)

When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes. (Conan O’Brien)

People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here’s how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm. (David Letterman)

Today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.’s in a room full of politicians — they had to flip a coin to see who’s going to tell the first lie. (Jay Leno)

The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars a congressman makes, a prostitute makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama says without Lincoln’s presidency, a black man might never have been elected President. All due respect to Lincoln, but without George W. Bush’s efforts, a black man might not have been elected President.(Janice Hough)

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, in New York people are going to Knicks games just to see something that sucks worse than Wall Street. (Scott Witt)

A woman who ran an escort service servicing Wall Street gave an interview to ABC and said that some of the banks CEO’s were her clients. I don’t believe her, why would the banker pay to have sex if they have been screwing the country for free for years?. (Pedro Bartes)

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Many Americans previously clueless about geography are expressing a sudden interest in the Netherlands. (Marv Kaminsky)

See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour? (Jay Leno)

President Obama’s admission that he screwed up vetting cabinet appointees drew raves for his honesty Friday. The last president never admitted screwing up on the job. It took a DNA test to get the president before that to admit he screwed anything. (Argus Hamilton)

Sarah Palin celebrated her 45th birthday Wednesday. And she did it like always with her traditional chocolate moose cake. (Pedro Bartes)

These days Barack Obama has to be thinking, Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted longer than this. (Janice Hough)

THE STIMULUS BILL

The Senate has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here’s how it’s going to work. On March 1, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars. (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Obama getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And listen to this — not only that, on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18-hole. (Jay Leno)

All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it’s going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn’t mean you have to have sex with other dudes? (Jimmy Kimmel)

ALEX RODRIGUEZ

A-Fraud with the Yankees, A-Roid with the Rangers. (Dwight Perry)

A-Rod’s name has been leaked as only one of 104 players who reportedly tested positive for steroids in 2003. Maybe we should put a flag with an asterisk out in front of the Baseball Hall of Fame and be done with it. (Janice Hough)

And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, “Hey, try it for eight years.” (Jay Leno)

Sports Illustrated is saying that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids back in 2003. There’s some breaking news. Apparently Major League Baseball was waiting to release the findings along with the discovery that Babe Ruth was overweight. (Jim Barach)

Alex Rodriguez admitted he took steroids. And here his New York Yankee teammates thought A-Rod testicles were shrunken from dating Madonna too much. (Scott Witt)

The sports world is stunned by news that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. But since he’s now dating Madonna, it’s a shame he didn’t test positive for penicillin. (Jake Novak)

A-Rod admits he used performance-enhancing drugs when he played for the Rangers because he felt the pressure to perform. Course that all changed with the Yankees. The only pressure there is not to get the uniform dirty. (Bill Williams)

According to an insider, A-Rod is not dating Madonna anymore because he has enough bad publicity. And because people were noticing his boobs were bigger than hers after he admitted to steroids use. (Pedro Bartes)

There are news reports that Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, caught in a steroids scandal, returned to his ex-wife for comfort, which made girlfriend Madonna very angry. So fellas, Madonna is back on the market, as long as you don’t mind dating a woman who smells like pine tar, hair gel and stale sunflower seeds. (Jerry Perisho)

Hey, did you see the latest episode of Fox’s “Lie To Me”? Oh wait, that was A-Rod’s ESPN interview. (Marc Ragovin)

A-Rod says he took the steroids because he felt, “an enormous pressure to perform.” Actually, that’s why he takes Viagra. (Jake Novak)

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says Alex Rodriguez might be suspended for admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs, and for continuing to lie about everything else, A-Rod will get a $25 million bonus.(Jake Novak)

Spring training camps have opened in the MLB. The New York Yankees may use A-Rod this year as a DH. Designated Hormone. (Alan Ray)

New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez admitted in an interview Monday that he used steroids six years ago. This ends years of denials. Once again we should have believed Jose Canseco when he told us that mortgage-backed bonds were worthless. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

So far it seems the most successful event of the Obama administration was when Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the oath of office. (Patrick Gorse)

President Obama signed a children’s health insurance law on Wednesday and paid for it by slapping an additional sixty-cent federal tax on cigarettes. This is terrible. If cigarettes get any more expensive it’s going to make crack cost-effective. (Argus Hamilton)

Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson, who has reportedly put on some weight. (David Letterman)

President Brack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He’s the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established “Pants-Free Friday.” (David Letterman)

Yesterday, when President Obama — this is true — was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, “See, it’s complicated, right? It’s not so easy. Doors are hard.” (Conan O’Brien)

President Obama’s press conference answers ran so long Monday that one network cut away from him in mid-answer to cover the Westminster Dog Show in New York. No one was upset. It was comforting to libertarians to see that no matter how much power the president grabs for himself, he’ll never be powerful enough to pre-empt a dog show. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Joe Biden says that there is a 30 percent chance the stimulus program will not succeed. Remember when so many people wanted Barack Obama to choose Hillary for vice president, but there was a concern she might undermine him? (Janice Hough)

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has pledged U. S. financing for programs creating a Public-Private investment fund, with an initial capacity of $500 billion, to provide financing for private investors to buy distressed securities, spurring new lending and addressing banks’ toxic assets. Economists have dubbed Geithner’s programs the Bad Assets Relief Fund, or BARF for short. (Paul Benoit)

I hate to be critical this early into the new administration, but I don’t know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary was in charge of buried treasure. (David Letterman)

Despite his income tax misdeeds, Timothy Geithner is the new Treasury Secretary because the White House needs his ability to manipulate the economy. Following that reasoning, there should be an even bigger job for Bernie Madoff. (Scott Witt)

THE ECONOMY

The economy is so rough, in New York City, the hookers are offering a Bernard Madoff’s wife’s Ruth special. For an extra $100 they’ll let you make a hasty withdrawal. (Scott Witt)

I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is “Spare Change You Can Believe In.” (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

In Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, “God wants me to serve.” But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can’t win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side? (Jay Leno)

Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I’m quoting here, that she may “be a slut and a whore, but” she is “not a criminal.” But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three.(Jay Leno)

Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state’s broke. If we’re going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay? (Jay Leno)

In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It’s sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they’d stay together for the sake of the cat. (Conan O’Brien)

LOCAL NEWS

The Salt Lake City woman who had the Guinness world record for the longest fingernails had them broken in an auto accident. Her right thumb nail was 2-feet, 11-inches long. She’ll be OK, but the driver of the car in front of her has some serious puncture wounds. (Jerry Perisho)

THE REPUBLICANS

Sarah Palin is actually 45 years old today, and just to tell you a little something about me — Sarah Palin, I think, is the first vice presidential candidate that I have pictured naked. Well, since Lloyd Bentsen. (David Letterman)

Wednesday was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s 45th birthday. She’ll spend a quiet evening reading birthday cards, sipping some nice red wine, and rendering oil from a side of whale blubber. (Jerry Perisho)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where you throw good money after bad or, as the government calls it, a stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

Police in southwest Florida arrested a man they say let his 8-year-old son drive his van for a “bonding moment.” It worked because the man is now out on bond for the moment. (Paul Seaburn)

Police in Indiana solved a church burglary case using DNA from a half-eaten doughnut the burglar left in the church’s kitchen. After the trial, the cops gave the donut a medal for bravery in the line of duty. (Paul Seaburn)

IMMIGRATION

Border Patrol reported Friday that its Texas border fence is only seventy miles from completion. It’s going to be hard to finish it though; the illegals that were building it decided to go back to Mexico. (Pedro Bartes)
THE MILITARY

Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy. (Jay Leno)

NASA & SPACE

An American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia. This is the biggest confrontation between Russia and America since Rocky Balboa knocked out Ivan Drago in the fifteenth round. (Patrick Gorse)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

India’s Hindu nationalist movement says it is developing a new soft drink that is made from cow urine. Dumping this stuff on the winning coach will get you kicked off the team. (Jerry Perisho)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The doctor that implanted embryos into the woman who gave birth to octuplets is a Beverly Hills fertility expert. Asked what he was thinking about when he implant eggs in a woman who already had 6 kids, he said, “Healthy kids, a safe pregnancy, and how I was finally going to be able to afford that two-week trip to the French Riviera.” (Jerry Perisho)

Octo-mom, that woman in Southern California who gave birth to 8 babies, is facing some serious financial challenges. She did get one problem solved, though. Three times a day Salma Hayek is going to drop by to feed the kids. (Jerry Perisho)

The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody. (Jay Leno)

Canadian researchers say they can determine a person’s simple preferences by shining near-infrared light into their head. The first preference they realized? People don’t like near-infrared lights shined directly into their heads. (Todd Long)

The F.D.A. has recently approved a drug made from goat’s milk. Unfortunately, for women, one of its side effects is hair growth on the chin. (Charles Almon)

Last week Bill Gates released a jar full of mosquitoes into the audience during a presentation about malaria. People in the audience haven’t slapped themselves this much since Gates released Windows Vista. (Doug Austen)

SPORTS

Michael Phelps can now blow smoke rings in the shape of the Olympics logo. (Jeff Sawyer)

Another retirement? Bret Favre has become the Barbra Streisand of professional football. (Jerry Perisho)

New toast in Green Bay: May your troubles last as long as Brett Favre’s retirements. (Janice Hough)

New York Jet QB Brett Favre has retired. Again. This guy retires and goes back to work more than a $50 hooker with a sub-prime mortgage. (Scott Witt)

The NBA announced it will add the old hoops game of “H-O-R-S-E” as part of All-Star Weekend, except their version will be called “G-E-I-C-O,” to plug its commercial sponsor. A more appropriate name would be G-R-E-E-D. (Todd Dewey)

Bud Selig made almost $17.5 million last year, or more than all but three players. No wonder he is not in favor of a salary cap. (David Thomas)

Barry Bonds pleaded not guilty in federal court on Thursday to charges he lied to investigators about using steroids. It’s so sad. If only they had given a urine test to mortgage-backed bonds instead of Barry Bonds, we wouldn’t be where we are today. (Argus Hamilton)

The Sacramento Kings retired Chris Webber’s No. 4 on Friday, with plans to do the same for uber-flopper Vlade Divac next month. But no need to hoist that jersey to the rafters — just drop it to the floor. (Dwight Perry)

Ashton Kutcher is coming to the defense of Michael Phelps after the Olympic champion was photographed smoking marijuana from a bong. That can’t be good for Phelps. That’s like Paris Hilton defending Jessica Simpson for being called dumb. (Jim Barach)

A marijuana scandal has resulted in four Sumo wrestlers being kicked out of the sport. Is that a surprise? How else did anyone think they kept their appetites up all the time? (Jim Barach)

Hockey Hall of Famer, Bobby Hull. at an awards dinner in Chicago, On growing up with 10 siblings: “I never slept alone till I got married.”

Toronto’s Pillow Fight League has boomed to 13,000 female participants — including such stalwarts as Lynn Somnia, Polly Esther, Carmen Monoxide and the 6-foot-6 Eiffel Power — in just five years, but the PFL remains committed to cautious growth. “We have had offers to take this to nudie bars, but we’re not interested,” founder Stacey Case told Scotland’s Glasgow Daily Record. “We are not going to let people ruin the good name of the Pillow Fight League.” (Dwight Perry)

ENTERTAINMENT

Several of this year’s Grammy nominees performed at a concert honoring the work of Neil Diamond. Chris Brown performed at one honoring the work of Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Todd Long)

R&B singer Chris Brown has pulled out of all of the events surrounding the N.B.A. all-star game after being arrested and accused of assault. After all, we have to protect the squeaky-clean image the N.B.A. (Jerry Perisho)

The Grammy Awards show aired live from L.A. Sunday as the world’s greatest music acts led by Led Zeppelin took turns performing. They were all sensational. Now that drugs have moved from the music industry to sports, everyone shows up for rehearsal. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Tabloids report 50-year-old Madonna is dating a 22-year-old Brazilian model. It’s cute, she’s teaching him Math. Specifically how many times 22 goes into 50. (Scott Witt)

Siegfried & Roy will make a onetime return in Vegas on March 6 and will perform with tigers again for a charity event. To make it safe, this time they are going to perform with a Detroit Lion, which as we all know, are pretty harmless.. (Pedro Bartes)

If you had a party,it seems to me the last person you want to hit the bong is Michael Phelps, with the lung capacity of a humpback whale. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Singer Madonna has been seen parading around New York City with 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz. Madonna insists it’s a publicity stunt. And, apparently Luz can stunt all night; sometimes 5 or 6 times in one evening. (Jerry Perisho)

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman offered her story to TV for two million dollars Monday. She’s trying everything to get some quick cash. She even called President Obama and said she is in the biggest post-partum depression since the 1930s. (Argus Hamilton)

Donations have been pouring in to a Web site set up to collect donations for the California mom who had octuplets. I’d give, but apparently she’s been getting quite a bit of my money for several years now already. (Todd Long)

Singer Chris Brown was charged with domestic assault on his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. Rhianna was reportedly treated for serious bite marks. Brown had no comment as he was busy working on his next single, a remake of Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.” (Scott Witt)

Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn’t paid taxes for eight years straight. So for Barry, it’s either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one. (Jay Leno)

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger, dubbed a hero for landing his airliner in the Hudson River, said the rescue boat crews were the real heroes. They only had minutes to get to the passengers in the icy river before the lawyers did. (Argus Hamilton)

Captain “Sully” Sullenberger says he is still having trouble sleeping. Apparently his wife threw out their waterbed. (Marc Ragovin)

Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger says the feeling after both engines of US Airways Flight 1549 lost power was “the worst sickening, pit-of-your-stomach, falling-through-the-floor feeling” he’s ever had. Apparently pilots don’t eat the food served on their planes. (Paul Seaburn)

On Elin Nordegren giving birth to her and Tiger Woods’ second child, “The proud parents are looking forward to all the usual milestones: first words, first steps, first Nike commercial, first win over Phil Mickelson’s son.” (Reggie Hayes)

The grandmother of Caylee Anthony says the murdered child’s life “did not end without purpose.” That purpose? “So I could finally meet Larry King.” (Todd Long)

HISTORY

February 12 is the 200th birthday anniversary of the 16th president of the United States Abraham Lincoln. If Lincoln were alive today, he would be amazed at what he sees in the White House; a president letting his mother-in-law move in! (Jerry Perisho)

Charles Darwin is 200 years old today. Have you seen pictures of him? He looks that old. (Joe Hickman)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. Editors say it is not a superficial exploitation of women. “These are some of the smartest females we’ve ever herded into one location.” (Alan Ray)

A Michigan Zoo is charging couples $50 to watch animals mating on Valentine’s Day. Hey, if I want to see some unintelligent animals having sex I’ll just watch the Paris Hilton tape. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The Hasbro toy company announced that its 4th quarter profit fell a sharper-than-expected 30% last quarter. They also announced plans to make their popular Monopoly game more realistic. Virginia, Tennessee, New York, Kentucky, Indiana and Illinois Avenues will be joined by California Avenue. There, all houses will be earthquake damaged and rents will be paid in useless IOU’s. (Jerry Perisho)

The Wrigley chewing gum company has dropped Chris Brown from its Doublemint ads until the R&B singer clears up claims that he assaulted his girlfriend, Rihanna. I think Wrigley is missing a real advertising opportunity here: “The next time you get into a fight with your girlfriend and have the urge to bite her repeatedly, leave that fresh, clean scent of Doublemint gum.” (Jerry Perisho)

Sending first-class mail will cost two cents more in May. The Post Office has postage which pays tribute to standing in a teller line. It’s called the “forever stamp.” (Alan Ray)

Women may soon outnumber men in the U.S. workforce for the first time in history. Proving women still can’t win, the report came out a day after President Obama put a $500,000 cap on C.E.O. pay. (Paul Seaburn)

Elevator music producer Muzak Holdings has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy… and you thought all the financial news these days was bad! (Jake Novak)

Muzak has filed for bankruptcy protection. Its latest compilation for dentist offices didn’t go over well. When Celine Dion came on, patients would ask for the drill. (Alan Ray)

HOLIDAYS

Saturday is Valentine’s Day. After exchanging gifts, your husband will utter those 3 little words you’ve come to expect. “Where’s the remote?” (Alan Ray)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

A 10-year-old Sussex spaniel named “Stump” is the Westminster Kennel Club’s best in show. Now, if the old pup can get himself adopted by Mayor Bloomberg, he’ll become Stump Dog Millionaire. (Paul Feehan)

The Westminster Dog Show got underway in New York City Monday. Handlers placed Vicks Vapo Rub on the noses of males so they can’t smell the females in heat during the show. If Hillary Clinton had known this trick she might still be the little woman. (Argus Hamilton)

Some sad news. You know the winner of Best in Show at the Westminster dog show, Stump? Today Stump tested positive for performance enhancing Purina. (Alex Kaseberg)

There a chance Stump may lose his title. A closer examination of his glossy, ginger-colored fur revealed gray roots. (Charles Almon)

OTHER NEWS

An elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election. (Jay Leno)

I’m a little nervous about this new local restaurant, Listeria Lane. On the menu: subprime rib, salmon with salmonella, broccoli with e.coli, and beri-beri compote.(Paul Feehan)

Compiled by Stan Kegel