WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-10-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Mark Sanford of South Carolina still hasn’t resigned. He spent 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don’t think she likes him very much any more. So who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida? I’m guessing Joe Biden. (Rich Orwell)

Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but you want to quit half way through. (Janice Hough)

A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don’t worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying. (Conan O’Brien)

So Sarah Palin has said she will cede power to Alaska’s lieutenant governor. And as a New Yorker, all I can say is: “Sure. What could possibly go wrong?” (Marc Ragovin)

Okay, John Edwards, Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. Hard to believe that the least embarassing V. P. candidate in recent memory is Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

A pending law would put guns in Arizona bars. Normally packing a gun is dangerous, but the risks are minimal thanks to the calming and sensible effects of alcohol. (Alex Kaseberg)

Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Biden said that he and President Obama “misread” the severity of the recession. And former President Bush said “See what can go wrong when you read?” (Janice Hough)

This might be too soon, but right about now you have to think Jenny Sanford is wishing her husband’s “soul mate” had been Sahel Kazemi. (Janice Hough)

The two-hour Michael Jackson Memorial service took place on Tuesday in Los Angeles’ Staples Center. Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson both spoke, and when you throw in Michael Jackson you’ve got three of the best ball handlers in history. (Jerry Perisho)

SARAH PALIN

In a recent poll, 7 out of 10 Republicans say they would like to have Sarah Palin as their presidential candidate for President in 2012. In a stunning display of bipartisanship, President Obama added, “Me too.” (Janice Hough)

Former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin says she is resigning as Governor of Alaska. Palin says she is tired of the “superficial, wasteful political bloodsport”. She would like to return to more conventional bloodsport, like shooting moose from a helicopter. (Jim Barach)

The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved good-bye to Russia. Obama was waving to her. (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin said in her resignation speech that not quitting would have been a “quitter’s way out.” While most Americans may not be sure what she meant, they still wish she would explain it to Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent.(Conan O’Brien)

Here’s what I can tell you about having your own TV show. Sarah, if you’re watching, and you get a TV show, you gotta be very careful what you say on the air, because you can get yourself into a lot of trouble, okay? (David Letterman)

Reportedly Alaskans have asked Tina Fey if she wants to finish out Governor Sarah’s Palin’s term. She looks the same, sounds more articulate, and has been spending about the same amount of time recently in Alaska. (Janice Hough)

In an interview with “Runner’s World” Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Barack Obama in a road race. Now we know she would quit halfway. (Alex Kaseberg)

During her resignation speech, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin compared herself to a good point guard, knowing when to pass the ball. She is looking for an endorsement deal from Nike, who has created a new ad campaign relating to her presidential aspirations; it’s the “Just Blow It” campaign. (Jerry Perisho)

MARK SANFORD

Governor Mark Sanford didn’t really enjoy this year’s Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina.(David Letterman)

Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman in Argentina. (John Aravosis)

Leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov. Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit his lover in Argentina. Republicans get mad when a scandal breaks up because they are forced to behave and spend a couple of weekends with their wives. (Pedro Bartes)

Mark Sanford refused calls for him to resign as governor of South Carolina. He spent the Fourth of July in Florida trying to reconcile with his wife. Womanizers around the country agreed it was a rather inappropriate way to spend Independence Day. (Argus Hamilton)

AL FRANKEN

Al Franken’s victory in the Minnesota Senate race means Democrats have 60 voting members … but still none that are funny. (Todd Long)

Any truth to the rumor this was Al Franken’s first statement on being finally seated in the Senate? “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people elected me.” (Janice Hough)

Al Franken has finally been sworn in as Senator from Minnesota. Republicans immediately renamed him Al Frankenstein. Now they want him to push for a Supreme Court nomination for the Church Lady. (Joe Hickman)

Walter Mondale walked Al Franken to the Senate for his swearing-in Tuesday. He lost a presidential race and a Senate election. Walter Mondale once said there is no place for G-d in politics and apparently G-d felt the same way about Walter Mondale. (Argus Hamilton)

MICHAEL JACKSON

Staples Center hosted both Michael Jackson’s funeral and the Ringling Brothers opening Tuesday. What a day. Everybody’s favorite moment was when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and twenty-five other dignitaries all got out of the same Volkswagen. (Argus Hamilton)

The Michael Jackson memorial service is Tuesday in Los Angeles. Family members are disgusted with the exploitation of his death. In fact, each plans to write a book about it. (Alan Ray)

Michael Jackson’s family was reported to be planning a tour where he’ll perform with his brothers as a hologram. The technology allows engineers in the booth to control a star’s entire performance. President Obama’s handlers think it could replace the TelePrompter. (Argus Hamilton)

California officials are concerned with the cost of Michael Jackson’s memorial to the city of LA. Things are so bad, Arnold was spotted across the Staples Center selling Jackson’s t-shirts to raise money. (Pedro Bartes)

Bubbles the Chimp was not invited to Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. He’s living in an animal shelter for great apes in Florida. It was twenty-four years ago today that Bubbles ran away from the circus to join the Jackson family. (Argus Hamilton)

During his speech at the Jackson’s memorial, Al Sharpton pointed out that Michael brought all the races together. Then he ruined it by saying that Michael became a pedophile only when he started turning White. (Pedro Bartes)

Los Angeles deployed hundreds of police for Michael Jackson’s memorial service Tuesday. It’s a fiscal crisis. The city is broke and can’t pay overtime so cops have been asked to work just for the chance to beat demonstrators at a historic event. (Argus Hamilton)

Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, “Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?” (Conan O’Brien)

Al Sharpton told the crowd Tuesday that Michael Jackson’s crossover popularity made the careers of Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods possible and elected Barack Obama. It was a stunning speech. Millions of Michael Jackson’s younger fans had no idea he was black. (Argus Hamilton)

Investigators report that Michael Jackson had a mini hospital in his rented home… to play doctor with the kids. (Pedro Bartes)

The mother of two of Michael Jackson’s kids, Debbie Rowe, says she wants them back. I’m sure they mean a lot to her, probably several hundred millions worth. (Tim Hunter)

Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris completely stole the show Tuesday with a tearful and heartfelt tribute to her dad. Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Jennifer Hudson could only watch. The lesson of Michael Jackson’s life is that a ten-year-old can upstage anybody. (Argus Hamilton)

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Immediately after hearing the news, Joe Jackson pounded Michael’s casket, screaming, we do it all over again. (Pedro Bartes)

Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein said Thursday he doesn’t think he’s the biological father of the kids but he doesn’t rule it out. You know how it is in Los Angeles. Nobody is claiming those kids until they find out if they can sing. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama says he wants a health care bill on his desk by October. So I sent him the one for my kid’s appendectomy. (Todd Long)

President Obama corrected Joe Biden’s statement Sunday that the U. S. would step aside if Israel attacks Iran. It’s getting nutty. Every morning the first item on President Obama’s threat assessment report is whatever Joe Biden said the day before. (Argus Hamilton)

The Internet is buzzing about a picture from the G8 summit that seems to show President Obama ogling a woman’s rear end. The White House insists he was just checking her greenhouse gas emissions. (Jake Novak)

Pres. Obama, in Russia for a diplomatic trip, jokingly thanked Pres. Medvedev for the “good deal” the Russians gave the US on Alaska in 1867. Then, they both turned to the east and waved to Sarah Palin. (Jerry Perisho)

THE ADMINISTRATION

With the Obama’s away in Russia and Europe visiting world leaders Vice President Joe Biden is getting a little squirrelly. Today he planted magic beans in the White House garden. (Frank King)

Pres. Obama named one of the pioneers in unraveling the genetic code as the head of the National Institutes of Health. So, he deciphered DNA, and now he’ll fix the NIH. The next mystery he’ll work on is the BCS. (Jerry Perisho)

THE ECONOMY

The Transportation Department said car driving fell off by four percent this year in the steepest decline in history. It’s the economy. Young people can’t take the family sedan out for a hot date beccause their parents are living in the car. (Argus Hamilton)

60% of the new GM is owned by the U.S. government, the UAW owns 17.5%, and anyone who buys a GM car now owns 100% of a piece of crap. (Jake Novak)

Home prices in April had an 18% drop from the year before. With unemployment and foreclosures still rising, another 82% drop in prices and the housing market may finally start to pick up again. (Jim Barach)

The Lundberg Survey said gas prices hit three dollars per gallon in California despite people driving less. Critics say drivers are being screwed by the oil companies. It’s no accident that the most frequently used actor’s name in porno movies is Derrick. (Argus Hamilton)

Bailed out AIG wants to pay its executives big bonuses again. But this time it has a good excuse: it turns out the company is making millions insuring the lives of overpaid AIG executives who keep getting death threats. (Jake Novak)

THE CONGRESS

House Democrats are proposing the new health legislation be paid for by a tax surcharge on people with an income of $200,000 plus. So it looks like my hip replacement is going to be paid for by Michelle Obama’s staff. (Bill Williams)

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch wants the Justice Department to investigate the BCS for antitrust law violations. Well, and why not? It’s not like Congress has anything more important to worry about. (Janice Hough)

Senator John Ensign’s family gave almost $100,000 to his former mistress and her family. I guess you could call this a stimulus package for stimulating his package. (Janice Hough)

House Democrats pushed a second giant stimulus spending package Tuesday which the White House encouraged. Once you get a taste of free stimulus money, it takes more and more free stimulus money to keep you high. Once all these congressmen quit drinking, drugging and cheating on their wives, the disease had to go somewhere. (Argus Hamilton)

Embattled and embarrassing Illinois Senator Roland Burris said he will not run again in 2010, but he will serve out his current term. This might be the only time in history that Democrats look wistfully at the actions of Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)

91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is opposing his fellow Democrats and their cap and trade energy bill. It turns out he’s against anything that helps power those darn horseless carriages. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

Arizona has passed a law allowing people to bring guns into bars. In related news, Plaxico Burress immediately instructed his agent to start negotiating with the Cardinals. (Janice Hough)

July 1 was the effective date of the the South Carolina law that requires unwed fathers to register with the state to preserve parental rights. There are a few exceptions to that one, though. It doesn’t apply to new fathers who impregnate their daughters, mothers, grandmothers or first cousins. (Bob Mills)

A pro marijuana group has launched a TV ad campaign in California to legalize pot. Such a move could be an economic boon for the state. Sales of Doritos would go through the roof. (Alan Ray)

A Missouri state legislator is opposed to subsidizing school lunches for low income kids during the summer months because, “Hunger can be a positive motivator.” In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the Capital cafeteria immediately closed. (Jerry Perisho)

A new report shows many states are not using the stimulus money as intended. Ohio is using it to build useless government offices, Florida is using it to widen unused roads, and California is using it to keep LaToya Jackson away from all her brother’s memorial services. (Jake Novak)

LOCAL NEWS

Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote. (Jake Novak)

In Illinois, four people have been arrested for digging up corpses in an historic cemetery and then selling the empty plots. According to the law, the only people who are allowed to make a profit from selling previously used plots are Hollywood producers. (Bill Mihalic)

78 turtles ended up causing delays earlier this week at JFK by crawling onto the runway. Fortunately, the turtles were not harmed and still made it off the runway faster than most JetBlue flights. (Janice Hough)

A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. There is no solid evidence of foul play, but police are holding Willie Wonka for questioning. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

Not to say the Republican party is in trouble, but the Washington Nationals baseball team is telling Republican jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The FBI said Tuesday that mortgage fraud is rampant and growing across America today. It’s a major problem in Southern California. There are some beautiful homes in Los Angeles that are built on bluffs, because nobody ever asks to see a tax return. (Argus Hamilton)

Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he’s going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it’s Martha Stewart. (David Letterman)

A guy was arrested for pruning his tree with a shotgun. You can’t blame him, since he left the White House, Cheney is getting bored. (Pedro Bartes)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Democrats to Republicans: You’re lying. Republicans to Democrats: Pelosi is lying. CIA to Democrats and Republicans: No. We’re lying to both parties and that’s the truth. In a related story. Congress plans on holding a series of hearings on what the appropriate name for the committee that handles security issues should be because Intelligence Committee is a misnomer. (Sara Joshel)

Here’s something wacky. Osama bin Laden’s first wife — and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives — well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It’s a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel. — But the book is going to be huge. It’s being published by Random Cave. (David Letterman)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The city of Amsterdam is trying to figure out a way to provide banking services to the area’s many legal prostitutes. They should get along extremely well, because who knows more about screwing the public than the local banker? (Jerry Perisho)

Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole 320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. (Pedro Bartes)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Rioting between ethnic groups in China has prompted Communist leaders to flood the streets with police. And, you know what that means for the rest of the world, don’t you? A big shortage of cheap toys covered in lead-based paint. (Jerry Perisho)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

British scientists claim to have created human sperm from embryonic stem cells for the first time. thereby rendering the human male completely unnecessary, other than to carry in the trash cans once a week. (Jerry Perisho)

Writing in the journal “Stem Cells and Development,” scientists in Newcastle, England claim to have created viable male sperm in the laboratory. The artificial sperm looks and acts so real, lab technicians had to use a condom to keep it in the petri dish. (Bob Mills)

It’s been a few weeks now since the expanded recall of refrigerated Toll House cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Donne would say, “Nestle, ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles for thee.” (Rich Orwell)

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. Larry King has been taken this drug for the last 50 years. (Pedro Bartes)

Dogs are being trained to sniff out medical problems, like diabetes and skin cancer. That’s odd, because the dogs I know seem to be trained to sniff out hemorrhoids. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wildlife experts report that a mysterious fungus has been killing insect-eating bats in such numbers, the epidemic could spread nationwide within two years — allowing insects now naturally controlled to thrive. Warned a zoologist from Boston University “If not contained, the fungus could be a greater threat to America’s wildlife than Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin combined.” (Bob Mills)

Astronomers say they have found the most distant supernova ever detected, and they estimate it was created about 11 billion years ago. On CNN last night, Larry King said, “I remember that; it was a Tuesday.” (Jerry Perisho)

The health industry on Tuesday promised to work with the Obama administration to cut medical costs. Their first order of business was to ask Americans to please limit themselves to one autopsy per customer. (Frank King)

Dogs are being trained to sniff out diabetes. Experts say dogs can be trained to sniff out other medical problems too. Soon — at the medical clinic – instead of saying “The doctor will see you now” — the receptionist will say — “Fido will sniff you now.” (Toms Lake Humor Company)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Obama vows U.S. will lead the way on climate change. Heck, the way we’re puffing carbon into the air, we can do it all by ourselves. (Joe Hickman)

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez was ejected in the fifth inning of his fourth game back from his female fertility drug suspension. The Dodgers outfielder apologized afterwards, but explained that it was “that time of month.” (Janice Hough)

Tennis great Roger Federer won the Wimbledon championship Sunday, setting a record with 15 major titles. The only other person who could nail 15 majors would be Madonna while on a USO tour. (Jerry Perisho)

Tiger Woods was reportedly going to play golf with House Minority Leader John Boehner. Apparently the Republicans are trying to sway Woods over to their side. They first were attracted to him when they saw how many times his drives went far right. (Jim Barach)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was reported Monday nearing a ruling on Michael Vick’s case. He’s good at this. Last year Roger Goodell arranged for the Cincinnati Bengals to wear striped uniforms, so when they go to prison they won’t have to change. (Argus Hamilton)

Thursday’s Padres-Astros game in San Diego was delayed for 52 minutes in the ninth inning while beekeepers removed a huge swarm that bivouacked in left field. Both teams, to a man, said the sight of bees is definitely more terrifying than Nats. (Dwight Perry)

After race officials DQ’d Italian swimmer Flavia Zoccari when the lower back of her skintight swimsuit burst open: “When Zoccari’s swimming career is over, she will make a great plumber.” (Cam Hutchinson)

How long did Sunday’s epic five set match last at Wimbledon between Roger Federer and Andy Roddick? By the time it was over, Brett Favre had un-retired and retired three times. (Janice Hough)

Former Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang, the NCAA career leader in passing yards, was questioned by Honolulu police after he allegedly grabbed a woman’s camera and threw it onto a nearby rooftop to keep her from filming a brawl, the Honolulu Advertiser reported. Possible charges range from first-degree robbery to misdemeanor intentional grounding. (Dwight Perry)

After starter Johnny Cueto got rocked for 10 first-inning runs en route to a 22-1 pounding: “They told me he didn’t look good warming up. Sometimes, that doesn’t mean anything. Tonight, it meant something.” (Dusty Baker)

Tennis player Simona Halep underwent breast reduction surgery. It was to avoid injuries, apparently her boobs were causing tennis elbows to a lot of fans. (Pedro Bartes)

Colorado Avalanche star Joe Sakic announced his retirement after 20 years, saying, “every athlete has to decide when its time to move on…” And Brett Favre added “not exactly.” (Janice Hough)

A Russian woman has set a new record by lifting a 14 kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin confirmed the whole thing. She watched the competition from her front porch. (Jerry Perisho)

The Ricketts family of Chicago will buy the Cubs for a little less than $900 million. They’ll make front office changes once the team’s season is over. In other words, any day now. (Alan Ray)

ENTERTAINMENT

Just wondering, in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, are Tums considered a performance enhancing drug? (Janice Hough)

Simon Cowell is reportedly being offered $144 Million a year to stay on “American Idol”. Contestants are starting a collection to see if they can match it so he will leave. (Jim Barach)

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are expecting to open a show at The Staples Center a day after Michael Jackson’s memorial. If things work out for them, they might add a couple of clowns to the show, Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the company that bears his name, died at the age of 95. He had attributed his long life to never eating any of his own products. (Janice Hough)

Now that the Michael Jackson funeral extravaganza is over, rumor has it Joey Chestnut also wants to rent the Staples Center, for a tribute to Oscar Mayer. (Janice Hough)

“American Idol” judge Kara Dioguardi got married, Saturday. It was nice, Paula Abdul gave a toast that was closed captioned for the slurring impaired. (Alex Kaseberg)

RELIGION

The economy has forced Vatican radio to air advertisements. The agency must be from AM radio because the ads are for tickets to see the pope say mass on “Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!” (Paul Seaburn)

HISTORY

Neil Armstrong will be celebrated next week on the fortieth anniversary of his becoming the first man in history to land on the moon. He is the most optimistic human being who ever lived. Neil Armstrong returned to the earth, and he had a choice. (Argus Hamilton)

British Museum archivists discovered an original copy of America’s Declaration of Independence in storage in London Thursday. It got a laugh. Parents always keep notes from their children, especially the ones that say they’re running away from home. (Argus Hamilton)

Lady Liberty’s crown was re-opened to tourists Saturday after being closed due to the World trade Center attacks. It was a no-win situation. The Statue of Liberty is obviously a tempting target, but with no people around, Canada geese were free to use the statue as a forward staging base from which to attack passenger planes. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Shady Lady Ranch, one of twenty-five legal Las Vagas houses of prostitution, has hit upon hard times during the current economic downturn and will hire male hookers in an attempt to improve their bottom line. Moreover, they plan to offer a special mix ‘n’ match “Madonna Wing” for those clients unable to decide on their preference immediately upon arrival. (Bob Mills)

The World Series of Poker began its fortieth year in Las Vegas Saturday at the Rio Hotel and Casino. No woman has ever placed higher than fifth. Women with top skills in lying and deception can do a lot better than the jackpot in some poker tournament. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Sears has introduced its new glass balcony on the 103rd floor of Chicago’s Sears Tower. Now, if Sears would only introduce a second cashier at lunch time. (Jerry Perisho)

General Motors was carved up by a judge Tuesday, giving taxpayers sixty percent ownership of the automaker. The government owns a car company. Now no one in Los Angeles will buy a GM car because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation. (Argus Hamilton)

Auto parts supplier Lear has filed for bankruptcy protection. Lay off notices to employees are mean spirited. “In our new promotional event, everything must go. Shocks, mufflers, you” (Alan Ray)

Have you seen the Evian rollerblading babies commercial? It is so funny and cute it made Manny Rameriz’s water break. (Alex Kaseberg)

Aluminum giant Alcoa is betting on a big rebound for the company… mostly because soon the only way to make money in America will be getting the nickel for recycling soda cans. (Jake Novak)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we’re at 17. (Conan O’Brien)

Compiled by Stan Kegel