WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-14-09

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Politicians in the state of Iowa have voted to rename their Department of Elder Affairs. They’re changing the name to the Department of Aging. Have they thought this through? I mean, now, elderly people will be calling the D. O.A. (Jay Leno)

A wide-ranging study on American religious life found that more Americans say they have no religion at all. Which is weird because every time most Americans check their 401(k) they say: “Oh God!” (Pedro Bartes)

Tobacco-rich North Carolina is close to passing a law banning public smoking. No smoking in North Carolina? Next thing you know the state will make it illegal to marry your sister! (Jake Novak)

History is a story that repeats itself; right now it’s on Chapter 11. (Gil Stern)

Americans in rapidly growing numbers have ceased using “Bullshit” or “B S” for statements that are ridiculously stupid, biased, and untrue. Instead, they call such statements “a Limbough” to honor the man whose every utterance seems to epitomize the term. (Stan Kegel)

President Obama will reverse the Bush administration’s limits on government spending for embryonic stem-cell research today. The White House is hoping scientists will discover a way to use stem cells to regrow the stock market. Nancy Pelosi is especially excited about the move, as she is hoping to use stem cells to help her grow a penis. (Jake Novak)

Iowans asserted their need for that two-million-dollar congressional earmark to study pig odor. Now’s the time. They would have asked earlier, but it wasn’t til the presidential candidates left that Iowans were sure the smell was coming from the hogs. (Argus Hamilton)

There’s a new swingset up at the White House for the Obama girls. This will mark the first time there have been swingers at the White House since the Clinton administration. (Tim Hunter)

In North Korea, they’re grooming President Kim Jong Il’s son to take over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea know, this doesn’t always work out the best. (Jay Leno)

President Obama wants public schools to go beyond math and reading proficiency and include classes on “creativity” and “imagination.” Kids who grow up with more creative imaginations and less math and reading ability have great career opportunities in the White House budget office. (Jake Novak)

Two junior high school teachers in Utah are accused of having sex with the same 13-year-old student. Isn’t that a sign of the bad economy? Teachers cannot afford their own students and now have to share. (Pedro Bartes)

In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, they’ll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit. (Jay Leno)

Britney Jordan, the top NCAA women’s basketball scorer at 31.3 points per game for Texas A&M-Commerce, once worked as an exotic dancer in Philadelphia, The Dallas Morning News reported. No wonder they’re moving up in the poles. (Dwight Perry)

The FDIC hinted Friday it might have to borrow billions of dollars in order to insure everybody’s bank deposits. The overall economy is to blame. In the last four months fifty million Americans have had to switch brokers, from to stock to pawn. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Wall Streeters regained the will to live Tuesday after the stock market soared three hundred seventy points on good news from Citigroup. Everyone is too nauseous to be happy. Stocks might not provide for your old age but they do hasten its arrival. (Argus Hamilton)

Stocks were up 400 points today. I haven’t seen anything shoot up so fast since Amy Winehouse. (Craig Ferguson)

Americans lost 1 hour on Sunday Due to Daylight-saving. The economy is so bad that for daylight saving the government could afford to save only 30 minutes instead of an hour. (Pedro Bartes)

The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, even people who don’t like Barack Obama aren’t paying their taxes. (Jay Leno)

Warren Buffett declared Monday the United States must see itself as engaged in a war against the economic downturn. He’s got a point. If you’ve seen the federal deficit you will know we haven’t been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor. (Argus Hamilton)

Foreclosures have worsened. Now folks are receiving junk mail addressed, “Current Non-Resident.” (Gil Stern)

The deep recession is forcing more families to live in motel rooms, which creates a crisis for most politicians who need those rooms to meet their mistresses and favorite hookers. (Jake Novak)

Stock market keeps going down and down and down. Today I tipped my cabdriver with 100 shares of G.M. stock. (David Letterman)

BERNIE MADOFF

Bernie and his wife Ruth want to keep $69 million. They said that’s not money they swindled. That’s just money they had laying around. That’s money they saved by switching to Geico. (David Letterman)

Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty Tuesday to swindling victims out of fifty billion dollars and faces one hundred fifty years in jail. That’s not enough time. Thanks to embryonic stem cell research, Bernie Madoff’s best years could still be ahead of him. (Argus Hamilton)

Bernie Madoff pled guilty today in court to running a Ponzi scheme. He was immediately taken to jail. Oddly, when he was taken to jail he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. So you know what that means, guys in prison — he’s available. (Jay Leno)

A guy was arrested in Long Island for running a $4 million Ponzi scheme. And I thought, Hell — Bernie Madoff has that in his sock drawer. (David Letterman)

Bernie Madoff is now in a small, dark, smelly holding cell in the Manhattan Correctional Center. It’s so small and dirty that if it were a studio apartment across the street, it wouldn’t sell for a penny over $1.7 million. (Jake Novak)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama got some good news today. So many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder’s fee from the I.R.S. (Jay Leno)

President Obama continues to have problems filling Cabinet positions. CNN’s medical expert Sanjay Gupta turned down the job as surgeon general. He said he didn’t want to take the big pay cut. Obama said to him, “Hey don’t worry about it — after my tax hike, it’ll work out to the same money anyway.” (Jay Leno)

Obama’s approval ratings remain high. I don’t want to say there’s a conspiracy against him, but on the show “Jeopardy,” they had an Obama category and there seemed to be a bias. One of the questions was, “Obama learned his extreme Marxist ideology at this law school.” Another, “In 2012, after Obama has destroyed the economy, President Rush Limbaugh will be responsible for this task.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

They say President Barack Obama’s hair is already starting to turn gray. Been in office two months, hair already starting to turn gray. And so today, Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected him with Just for Men. (David Letterman)

The Obama family is finally getting their dog. They say they’re getting a Portuguese water dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

GOP Rep. Patrick McHenry said Monday that the party’s goal is to bring down the approval numbers for Speaker Nancy Pelosi and for House Democrats. Democrats immediately responded that they don’t need Republicans; Pelosi is doing a fine job bringing her numbers down all by herself. But thanks for your help. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress is renewing a push to regulate cigarettes. Apparently they are able to do this since they aren’t busy regulating banks or any Wall Street activities. (Jake Novak)

Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the “tiny little portions” of food served at White House functions. Apparently, Obama will do anything to keep Rush Limbaugh as far away from the White House as possible. (Pedro Bartes)

According to political publication Roll Call, Sen. David Vitter blew a gasket last week at Washington DC’s Dulles Airport after missing a flight to New Orleans. Apparently, he didn’t get to the gate in time because he wasted too much time at the restroom playing footsie with Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress voted funds to keep the U. S. government from shutting down Friday. They have car payments to make themselves. Congressmen must drive their own cars because taxicab drivers refuse to pick up passengers who are statistically likely to rob them. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants. “Yeah, you can’t have dee boobs here. No more boobs here if dare not real.” (Jay Leno)

New York state is considering a tax every time you go into a strip club. A $10 tax every time you go into a strip club. For example, in my case, it would be, well, like what’s 365 times 10, what would that be? (David Letterman)

22 state legislators in Georgia are either late in filing or paying their state income taxes. Apparently they are all expressing an interest on being named to the Obama Cabinet. (Jake Novak)

New Jersey moved one step closer to becoming the 14th state with a medical-marijuana provision when the state senate passed the Compassionate Use Medical Marijuana Act last month. Buoyed by the news, 38 NBA players demanded a trade to the Nets. (Dwight Perry)

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending more than $173,000 on training to try to make its 4,000 clerks friendlier. Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to give them free samples? (Paul Seaburn)

LOCAL NEWS

A sheriff in Illinois is suing Craigslist, claiming it’s the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Apparently there are over 10,000 prostitutes on Craigslist, according to a list compiled by former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

Newt Gingrich gave interviews Thursday and discussed running for president in four years. He’s a brilliant conservative with a history of cheating on his wives. In four years everyone’ll be sick of stock market jokes and ready for the infidelity material again. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Islamic extremist groups from Somalia were reported Monday to be recruiting in Minneapolis, where there’s a large Somali population. Nobody in Minnesota minds the terrorists moving to their state. Until the Senate race is decided, every vote counts. (Argus Hamilton)

The CIA admits it destroyed 92 tapes of harsh interrogations that may have constituted torture. It turns out it was several months of recordings of “The View”. (Jake Novak)

Al-Qaeda’s Ali al-Marri made his first U.S. court appearance Tuesday. He plotted cyber attacks on banks eight years ago. He had a plot to drive Citigroup stock down to forty dollars a share, and now we’ll pay him anything if he’ll tell us how to do it. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA & SPACE

NASA will launch the Kepler spacecraft, mounted with the biggest telescope ever, later today. Its mission is to find Earth-like planets in the Milky Way… and then ask them for $500 trillion to bail us out. (Jake Novak)

NASA launched the Planet Explorer into outer space Friday to look for a planet just like Earth. It won’t be easy. Its telescope will determine whether a planet is just like Earth by looking for four elements: hydrogen, oxygen, hell and a handbasket. (Argus Hamilton)

Astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They name the black holes “A. I. G. -1? and “A. I. G. -2.” (Jay Leno)

Cal Tech confirmed Thursday that a meteor just missed earth two weeks ago. The last one struck ten million years ago and killed every dinosaur in the Middle East, where the corpses decayed into crude oil. Israel’s so sorry it had a no-pets policy. (Argus Hamilton)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

A U. N. study says the United States is behind other advanced countries in phone and Internet technology. Apparently other countries use the phone other than when they are driving and have found other uses for the Internet besides porn. (Jake Novak)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

President Obama began the process of easing travel and trade restrictions with Cuba Monday. He inserted the travel and trade provisions into this week’s spending bill. The president doesn’t view Cuba as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section. (Argus Hamilton)

The State Department warned college students to avoid Mexico this spring break due to the drug wars. The warning went unheeded. Twenty percent of college students decided to go to Mexico for spring break, the rest are going to Mexico for a new life. (Argus Hamilton)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama a pen holder made of wood from the nineteenth century ship the HMS Gannet, which caught slave boats off the coast of Africa and freed the human cargo. Obama’s gift to him was a DVD of Gone with the Wind. Gordon Brown is furious at MI-6 for not telling him that Obama was pro-slavery.

IRAQ & IRAN

The Iraqi journalist who threw shoes at President Bush was sentenced to 3 years yesterday. Apparently, he would have walked free, but when he threw the shoes at Bush, he missed. (Pedro Bartes)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao is expressing concerns about the growing U. S. debt. Luckily, China is willing to lend corporate America as many 9-year-old slave laborers that we need until we can turn things around. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range ballistic missile, but North Korea insists it’s just a satellite intended for peaceful purposes. Like peacefully bombing South Korea. (Jimmy Fallon)

North Korea threatened war on the U. S. Monday if the U. S. Navy shoots down a North Korean missile they are test-firing over the Sea of Japan. They claim the missile can reach Hawaii. If it hits Pearl Harbor we’ll be out of this depression two days later.

SCIENCE & HEALTH

President Obama signed a bill today overturning President Bush’s restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure disease and help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an athlete’s on-field performance can actually be improved just by having family in the stands. It is true, when A-Rod has his cousin around, he gets a lot better. (Pedro Bartes)

How scary is this? A previously unknown asteroid narrowly missed hitting the Earth this week. They said that if it hit, it would have been the worst disaster since the invention of the adjustable rate mortgage. (Jay Leno)

Archaeologists have found 3500 year old jewelry in an Egyptian tomb. Historians speculate the valuables were gotten illegally. They may have been part of a pyramid scheme. (Alan Ray)

According to a U. N. estimate, the world’s population will hit 7 billion early in 2012. Or it could double if the octomom gets busy again. (Pedro Bartes)

SPORTS

Syracuse beat Connecticut in a marathon 6-overtime game that lasted 3 hours, 46 minutes, breaking the hearts of the players on both teams who lost so much valuable study time. (Jake Novak)

The Dallas Cowboys cut superstar receiver Terrell Owens from the team because he was such a distraction in the locker room. It won’t cost the team any ticket sales at its new stadium. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete. (Argus Hamilton)

Former NBA star Charles Barkley completed his 3-day jail sentence in Arizona’s “Tent City” for DUI. He stayed in a separate tent from other inmates and had meals brought to him. The only thing “hard” about the time the 46-year-old Barkley did in jail was his prostate. (Jerry Perisho)

Today, the committee that puts the NCAA basketball brackets together gathers in Indianapolis to fill out the 65-team field. Members will have to consider team strength, geographical rivalries, and which font to use so people can easily make 50 copies of the brackets for the office pool. (Jake Novak)

Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was sporting a butterfly Band-Aid between the ring and pinkie fingers on his pitching hand after a crab pinched him at the beach near Jupiter, Fla. Witnesses described it to police as a perfectly executed squeeze play. (Dwight Perry)

Barry Bonds sought employment from Major League teams after prosecutors delayed his steroids trial for a year. It’s a chance to hire history. He’ll be the first player inducted when Major League Baseball opens the Hall of Asterisks in Cooperstown. (Argus Hamilton)

More than 67 dog teams began the 1,150 mile race through the Alaskan wilderness, Sunday for the Iditarod Dog Sled Races. Each team has 16 slobbering members that occasionally eat some meat, sleep and have sex. It’s not at all unlike the NBA. (Jerry Perisho)

Martin Truex Jr. drove in Sunday’s Kobalt Tools 500 Sprint Cup race, less than 24 hours after he worked out a kidney stone at an Atlanta-area hospital. It didn’t affect his driving much, veteran gearheads say, though he did have problems passing. (Dwight Perry)

ENTERTAINMENT

Siegfried and Roy reunited with the tiger that mauled Roy for a show in Las Vegas. Or, as the tiger called it, “seconds.” (Todd Long)

The folks over at “American Idol” had a problem upping the final 12 to 13 this year. Turns out the sequenced telephone number for contestant 13 is already in use by a phone sex company. And you know that Bill Clinton voted for contestant 13 like twenty million times. (Pedro Bartes)

“Killzone 2” is the hottest new video game in stores. Any player can shoot randomly at various characters in his path. It’s not a favorite of parents, but it is endorsed by the NRA. (Alan Ray)

Will Ferrell performs his one-man show as George W. Bush on HBO Saturday. After just six weeks we’re already looking back at the worst president in history as those good old days. What we wouldn’t give for an ill-conceived invasion right now. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Katie Couric is trying to interview Rush Limbaugh. Then I thought, didn’t Katie already do a probing in-depth interview of Rush Limbaugh? Then I remembered, no, that was the video of Katie’s colonoscopy. Easy mistake. (Alex Kaseberg)

John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, wrote yesterday that Ann Coulter is “offensive, radical, and insulting.” Wow. That’s by far the nicest thing anyone has ever said about Ann Coulter. (Jimmy Fallon)

CELEBRITIES

Oprah Winfrey used Thursday’s show to “send love” to Chris Brown and Rihanna in an attempt to “help them heal.” To which Rihanna replied, “Umm—she didn’t send ice packs?” (Todd Long)

Britney Spears accidentally exposed her privates during a concert Sunday night in Tampa, Florida. Her manager was mad; you know how difficult it is going to be to sell first row tickets again? (Pedro Bartes)

Hours before taking the stage in Miami, Britney Spears visited a local Children’s hospitals and helped a lot of kids realize that, even though they may be sick, they can be very thankful that she’s not their mother. (Tim Hunter)

Concert promoters have increased the number of shows Michael Jackson will perform in London from 10 to 25. The British can relate to performers who carry umbrellas, have funny walks and look like they haven’t been in the sun since the 1980’s. (Paul Seaburn)

Michael Jackson announced last week he’ll perform concerts in London. However, no insurance company will insure him or his concerts. The last time an insurance company covered Michael Jackson they needed a federal bailout to pay off the parents. (Argus Hamilton)

Howard Dean says he made it “pretty clear” he wanted to be health secretary. Although I think what he told the President was: “I wanna be Secretary of State, and Treasury Secretary, and Commerce Secretary, and Defense Secretary, and Health and Human Services Secretary … YAHHHH!” (Todd Long)

Rapper Lil’ Kim is now a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.” While in the joint she worked on a few numbers. New York license plate 4473-2198. (Alan Ray)

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman is moving into a $565,000 home that her dad bought for her. That’s not that great. With 14 kids and only three bathrooms in the house, in just a few years, the odds are going to be 5-1 against there being a bathroom open when you really need one. (Tim Hunter)

In real estate news, the octo-mom just bought a home here in Southern California for $565,000. How is she paying for this? She’s got 14 kids, no job and no credit. Who financed this deal, A.I. G.? (Jay Leno)

L. A. octuplet mother Nadya Suleman’s publicist quit in disgust Monday. The porno movie offer was the last straw. He didn’t have a problem with her screwing the taxpayers of Los Angeles until she told him she is going to do it one taxpayer at a time.

Rhianna and Chris Brown are reportedly recording together. Apparently, Chris likes Rhianna because she knows how to keep a beat. (Pedro Bartes)

Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani say they bathe together to help save water and the environment. Oh brother, Gavin — what a sacrifice! You HAVE to take a bath with Gwen Stefani. Like there aren’t other earth-conscience people out here who wouldn’t be willing to do it for the greater cause! (Tim Hunter)

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That’s right. And apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming. I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail. (David Letterman)

According to Star Magazine, Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, broke up with her boyfriend Levi Johnston. It was good news for Sarah Palin, because after she returned all the clothes to the GOP party, she didn’t have anything to wear for the wedding. (Pedro Bartes)

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has signed a six figure deal to write a book. It turns out he will be getting paid almost as much as he was charging for a Senate seat. (Jake Novak)

Eddie Doyle, bartender for 35 years at the Boston tavern that inspired “Cheers,” has been laid off. Poor guy has gone from the place where everybody knows your name to the unemployment office, where everybody knows you’re broke. (Paul Seaburn)

The Cheers bar in Boston made famous on the NBC show fired legendary bartender Eddie Doyle Monday due to slow business. He’s famous for knowing everybody’s name. He’s just been hired by Mexico’s government to identify the bodies during spring break. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

President Obama said that we have let our schools crumble, and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news is we’re still No.1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. (Jay Leno)

In Utah, two women teachers were charged with having sex with the same underage boy; or as that boy is known in Florida: an over-achiever. (Alex Kaseberg)

The weak economy is forcing Washington State to cut high school gym and sex ed classes. It’s a smart fiscal move as without taking gym classes, most high school kids will be too fat to have sex anyway. (Jake Novak)

President Obama addressed educational needs in Washington Tuesday. He proposed longer school days and more years of education. He’s hoping that if you keep students out of the workforce until they’re thirty-five, maybe the unemployment rate will drop. (Argus Hamilton)

A high school history and economics teacher in eastern Idaho is selling advertising space to a Pocatello pizzeria on his students’ tests to make up for a cut in his supply budget. Do you think fat kids are going to be able to concentrate on the exam when they have the picture of a big pizza slice at the bottom of the page? (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

A report says there were no survivors from the Russian Royal Family murders. Mostly because they happened 91 years ago. (Jake Novak)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, men who have 150 to 350 orgasms per year report that their body feels two to eight years younger than their actual age. Today, I saw Bill Clinton watching Nickelodeon. (Pedro Bartes)

A sex patch designed for women has failed to boost their level of desire. Apparently men will have to keep using the old method of buying them drinks. (Jake Novak)

A woman in Pittsfield, Massachusetts tried to forcibly impregnate her lesbian lover with a turkey baster filled with her brother’s sperm. She failed, but the turkey next Thanksgiving will definitely be tender and juicy. (Pedro Bartes)

Policy Review editorialized Monday that food and sex have switched places over the past forty years in American morality. We used to be monogamous but ate anything, while today you must eat only correct food but you can sleep with anyone. This could explain why the average price at a Las Vegas buffet is now two hundred dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

General Motors announced they wouldn’t need an extra $2 billion from the bailout. They said they’re getting great returns from some guy named Madoff. (Craig Ferguson)

The ten highest wage earners at Merrill Lynch were paid $209 Million in bonuses last year. Apparently those bonuses were based on how much was left in the company vault. (Jake Novak)

After it was announced that Citibank operated at a profit during the first two months of the year, its stocks went up from $1 to almost $1.36. Today, Citibank CEOs demanded $10 billion in bonuses. (Pedro Bartes)

Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis says it was a “mistake” taking $20 Billion of government bailout money. But how else could the failing company pay for executive bonuses? (Jake Novak)

Delta Airlines announced it is cutting back its international flights by 10 percent. So, for example, flights from New York City to Munich will now only go as far as the western coast of France. (Bill Mihalic)

G. P.S. device maker Garmin announced layoffs on Monday; 141 workers were given turn-by-turn directions from their cubicles to home, with a cheerful electronic voice telling them never to come back. (Marv Kaminsky)

Sesame Street just laid off 20 percent of its workforce. It’s going to be tough finding these guys jobs — they’re still learning the alphabet. (Jimmy Fallon)

Citigroup is accepting nominations to fill four vacancies on its board of directors. The bank is looking for new directors who have extensive experience with panhandling. (Jake Novak)

Compiled by Stan Kege