TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Rush Limbaugh, as head of the Republican Party, is less qualified to be VP than Sara Palin. Rush can’t see Russia from his house. (GCH)
The exacta (the 1-2 finishers) in the Preakness were a filly and a gelding. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it “A dream team.” – Sort of ironic, the horse, Mine that Bird, who came the closest to chasing down the filly, Rachel Alexandra, wouldn’t know what to do if he caught her. (Janice Hough)
The U.S. government now borrows $1.00 for every $2.00 it spends. We’re almost as stupid as the people who lend us the money. (Frank King)
President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantánamo Bay. He’s going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership. (Jay Leno)
“Keep the prisoners shackled to the walls,” said Dick Chainey. (Rich Orwell)
Sarah Palin’s signing to write her memoirs with publisher HarperCollins turned out to be a mistake. They thought they were signing Tina Fey. (Doug Austen)
Why do they call it American Idol when it is taped in Los Angeles? Because the Lakers in games 1,4 and 6 against Houston basically copyrighted “Los Angeles Idle.” (Janice Hough)
A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a “vowel” movement. (Pedro Bartes)
If a slugger using a female fertility drug makes you uncomfortable, just think of it as Manny giving himself an early Mother’s Day present. (Dwight Perry)
Manny Ramirez insulted the Jewish community when he said that he does dread lox. (Warren Alexander)
In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. He’s calling his program “Weed the People.” (Jay Leno)
In a move seen as equal parts symbolic and cost-cutting, the bankrupt Phoenix Coyotes will play all their home games on thin ice next season. (Dwight Perry)
Chrysler says it is going to shut down 800 dealerships, which will put thousands of car salesmen out of work. I really feel sorry for those guys—an entire closet full of plaid sports coats and nowhere to wear them. (Bill Mihalic)
The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn’t that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That’s government thinking, isn’t it? “Hey, nobody’s buying our product. Let’s raise the price.” (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more. (David Letterman)
A California man has been convicted in a scheme to buy and sell human body parts. The amount of money in the plot was never mentioned, but court records indicate the parts cost an arm and a leg. (Jim Barach)
A survey claims 5% of men say they never masturbate. Come on, women, let’s give these guys a hand. (Alex Kaseberg)
On mangling a foul-ball call early in his Hall of Fame career: “I wanted to say, ‘Hot shot hit foul!’ It did not come out that way.” (Vin Skully)
Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the “Partridge Family,” may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business, she’s ready to let it all hang down. (Jimmy Fallon)
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only that, she gets to keep her implants for another year. Donald Trump reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself “The Donald.” You can get away with that when your name is Donald. That doesn’t work when your name is Colin Powell. Or Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)
American Idol contestants Adam Lambert and Kris Allen each got millions more votes than any of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s California special election ballot measures. Guess the next time California elects an entertainer as governor, maybe we should make sure he can sing. (Janice Hough)
Los Angeles is going to begin water rationing next month. Kids will still be allowed to run through the sprinklers, just not with the water running. Dick Cheney has been told to switch to sand-boarding. (Tim Hunter)
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